Though the fear of black men by white people is based on racist stereotypes, black women’s fear is rooted in a lifetime of experience.
Black masculinity is a site of contradiction: a stigmatized and subordinate racial identity paired with a dominant gender identity. As a member of both privileged and disadvantaged groups, learning to navigate can be difficult.
Recently, I was in a class taught by my advisor, and it was my week to facilitate class discussion. My advisor sat next to me and told me that he wanted me to practice being a professor, that I should project my voice more. He said that even though I have a deep voice, when he sits at the opposite end of the table he can barely hear me. I told him that I choose to speak a little softer because when I project, my deep voice coupled with my 6’3” 220 pound body frightens white people. They think I’m angry, and angry black men are scary. Though he turned my comment into a joke, he didn’t say anything else about voice projection.
This experience is one that is unique to black men. Our perceived hyper masculinity, supposedly outstanding physical prowess and abnormal aggression, makes us scary and intimidating to white people. This isn’t new, and it’s something that we’ve learned to deal with. The purse gripping, refusals to join us in an elevator, white women scurrying around corners when we walk behind them, have all become a part of life that we simply accept with little power to change. In the course of growing my dreadlocks, I was even told by a supervisor, a really nice and supposedly liberal older white woman, that my hair made me look “more dangerous,” implying not only that I looked dangerous before I began to grow my hair but that my new, “black” hairstyle increased the level of threat attached to my body.
That is the life of a black man in a white world, one fraught with stigma and fear, but certainly returning home to our own communities would allow us to walk around freely without frightening those around us. Unfortunately, that’s not the case as we go from being subordinate in white spaces to dominant and hegemonic in black spaces.
A few weeks ago, I recall having a conversation with my girlfriend where I told her I was annoyed at the tweets of a black woman that I was reading. The woman ranted for almost an hour about her fear of black men. She said that she was afraid of individual black men, black men in groups on the street, and being alone with black men. It bothered me because I felt as if she was stigmatizing us in the same way that white people do, imbuing our bodies with inherent criminality. I expected her to feel differently.
We live together, in the same communities, in the same houses. We are natural allies in the black freedom struggle. Black women are our mothers, sisters, and cousins; they couldn’t possibly fear us. Somehow, though aware of the terror inflicted upon black women by black men, I managed to ignore their valid reasons for being afraid of us. I know that black men are like other men toward the women in their communities: violent (physically and emotionally) and entitled, but I naively assumed that black women would look upon us as individuals and gauge our potential for violence before assigning us the label “frightful.” Certainly, I, an “enlightened” feminist man, who doesn’t slut shame or participate in rape culture, wouldn’t be lumped in with the rapists and street harassers.
But how can we expect to be looked upon as individuals when we fail to extend to them the same luxury. I look just as threatening standing on a street corner as any other black man who may whistle at a black woman as she walks by and call her a bitch if she refuses to respond appropriately and deferentially. I look just as threatening at a house party as any other black man who may get a little too friendly while driving a black woman home after she drank a bit too much alcohol. We can’t expect black women to be unafraid when black men give them ample reason to be afraid.
Unlike white women, and white people in general, who are very rarely victims of the crimes of black men, black women are on the front lines being abused, raped, and harassed. Though the fear by whites is based on suspicion and irrational, racist stereotypes, black women’s fear is rooted in a lifetime of experience and hurt. We have to learn to separate the two and not be hurt by the fear we’ve caused. We have little power to alter whites’ perceptions of us, but we can combat the fear that black women have developed by refusing to perpetuate as system of domination and hegemonic masculinity that excuses and encourages behavior that makes us frightening.
We have to meet it at the source: our friends, cousins, and uncles. We must be brave enough to tell them not to yell at that woman across the street and push back when they suggest getting a woman drunk so they can have sex with her. We have to rid ourselves of the idea that because we aren’t the guys hiding in the bushes women shouldn’t fear us, and learn to own our privilege and frightfulness and fight to make our communities safe for black women so that we can also feel safe. If we want black women to be our allies, we have to stop positioning ourselves as the enemy.
Read more: Schrodinger’s Rapist: Yes, We Have To Talk About This Again
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what a coward, adjusting yourself to suit white people, is just giving up your power as a black man. I did not need to read further. You will never be a black man as long as you let people control your own identity You lost all credibility with the first sentence
@Alice: To,be fair and complete, the Afirican American community at large contributes and sustains this phenomenon. The African American community loves bold, macho men and why not, they were needed. Where would they be without men like Frederick Douglas, a first class bad ass of the highest order, or Malcom X ,or Dr. Harry Edwards? I remember laughing watching Melissa Harris Perry and a panel of women on her show trying to reconcile their political beliefs as feminists with the fact that they found thug rappers, like Biggie Smalls and Tupac Shakur atrractive. Of course, at the end of day,they… Read more »
what is wrong with being bold as compared to what, macho is and exaggerated display of manhood yes, but bold. In reality there are not many bold black man they are afraid and timid especially around white people. What is your point and the point of this article
@Cookie: As odd as it may sound,I have found some semblance of hope in the idea that this behavior is undoubtably rooted in culture and therefore learned.What is learned can be unlearned. I experienced what I think was a classic Southern upbringing,it just ocurred in San Francisco and as such was also influenced regionally. This regional influence which frowned on using corporal punishment on children gave me an option behaviorally.Even though I was beaten and verbally abused, I never beat my children. My mother never another way.The research I have done points to the south as epicenter of this behavior,especially… Read more »
Hey folks, it’s been interesting chatting with you but after a brief conversation with the writer of this piece, I can’t even take him seriously so I can’t take this article seriously anymore. He says “If we want black women to be our allies, we have to stop positioning ourselves as the enemy.” but the first time you disagree with him, he leaves tweets like, “You give [insert n-word] [expletive] to read and they don’t read it because it’ll prove them wrong. I get it now.” On my worst day with the worst person, I don’t call brothas the n-word… Read more »
@ Maroonsista – what a pity – and I mean that! You have an interesting voice and take on things that engages. And then you claim that words can hurt you… on twitter! I’m not fan of the Twittering Masses or the Farcebook clones – and I sure as hell aint a fan of anyone who takes 140 characters of less and turns it into a reason to run away! It’s the new social networking way to engineer a Flouncetastic Exit alla Drag Queen….. and honey your heels and frock have let you down. Sad to see you go but… Read more »
That is the key; to differentiate between good advice and a outright put-down, and I know that the former exists in our community all to often. It is just unfortunate that sometimes the two get mixed up…
@Cookie : I can say for myself that I can differentiate between good advice and someone telling me how to be man or from someone wj hi is emasculating. The truth is emasculation for all manner of reasons is common in the African American community and thought to be a good thing. I think it contributes to some of the failings we see in the community. Ever since I was a kid, I have heard some of the nastiest meanest language surrounding masculinity–who’s got it and who doesn’t– and more importantly, how do we punish those who are deemed to… Read more »
@Cookie: I can relate to what Jules has experienced with far too many African American women concerning control and masculinity. Too many either disrespect men by trying to be one even though they can’t be oine, or because they are constantly beating the, ” he ain’t no man drum, ” for some perceived violation of the “Black man code”( not to be confused with his equally stupid cousin, “the white male code” ) of which too many sisters think they define for him., or because they actually believe they can be a better man than men can be. Something that… Read more »
That is unfortunate; I can’t honestly say that I don’t know of any women in my past (and maybe present) who are a bit hardened by (their) life or circumsance; I am glad to say that I am not one of them. As for Beyonce’s song “If I Were A Boy”, I personally don’t believe the song is about emasculating men; I think it’s about enlightening men (and women) about the games that (some) men play in relationships, the consequences, and knowing what it is like to love someone and lose them because of your actions. I think it’s about… Read more »
Cookie I am certain you are sincere and forthright.However,I have discovered through life experience and in exploring sites like this one that often some women say they want a sensitive self aware man only to find out later they have no sexual or romantic interest in said man. This kind of crazy thing is very common and happens to men of all races.My point is, men are looking far more closely at what relationships and life has to offer them and women, I think,aren’t exactly comfortable with it. Women have been taught that men are supposed to want them,to pursue… Read more »
Unfortunately I can’t disagree with you, because I have encountered women like that in my life – some of whom were friends and possibly family. Yet this ‘legacy’ continues to thriveand flourish in our community and its destruction takes no prisoners; it’s detrimental for us as a whole, because you can’t possibly have a successful relationship if you’re emasculating your man, and in turn reacting to that by disrespcting your woman. It’s a vicious cycle. I think a healthy mix of sensitivity and self-awareness is a positive thing, for both the black male and female, but we are too defensive… Read more »
I welcome a brother who isn’t afraid to express himself; speak his fears, vulnerabilities, hopes, and dreams…it’s called being real – how else can we have a real relationship? Plus, I’d imagine that all that pretense would give you high blood pressure…hey, wait, that’s prevalent in our community too…
@Julia Byrd; As you can plainly see these problems are longstanding in the community, yet they really are no different than what “white” men are going through now as they struggle with attempting to regain control of their identities in a post-feminists world. From a mental health standpoint, for me, I can’t be around someone who doesn’t have the ability to compare, contrast and measure simultaneously the push pull effects of abuse on a variety of communities. Furthermore, trying to deal with and balance the contradictions associated with trying to be responsive to the demands of others is too much.On… Read more »
@Maroonsista:I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about. The emasculating language you have used in several posts in which you call men cowards,whiners,saying they need pacifiers is unnecssary and is exactly the kind of abusive patterned behavior I have been talking about and have mentioned before. This line of attack is all too common in the black community that eventually leads to an escalation in hostilities. Your behavior epitomizes what I’ve been discussing all along.Over and over again you resort to this shaming strategy because when you are disagreed with,and not with just me.Alchemist uses the same strategy when… Read more »
You mean…a site called “Good MEN project” is a site for men to write about men? YOU DON’T SAY?! I’m so glad you told me. I really had no idea. That totally went over my head considering the MASSIVE amount of articles from men about men. And I still didn’t realize it when I co-signed on this entire article FROM A MAN about MEN all the while you spent time disagreeing with everything on the post and wanting it to be about women’s wrongdoings. *blank stare* We’re done speaking directly to each other. I can handle a difference of opinion,… Read more »
Stop wasting your time with Maroonista. Some people are just not worth it.
@JT…
You are wrong. I thought Maroonsista offered some very valid and truthful observations.
Also, every human being is “worth it.”
Just because it is not something you (or I) might not want to hear, does not mean it is not true.
How about expanding your vision? Learn to see a different perspective. You don’t have to agree. But, at least take the time to indulge.
Just saying.
Hey @Julia Byrd totally appreciate the defense and I thank you. But don’t worry about it. It truly makes me not a bit of difference if anybody on this board thinks I’m a “waste of time” to talk to. Comments like that show me where their viewpoints are and set the stage for why my comments would be a “waste of time” to them. No big deal to me. I expect certain people with certain opinions to not agree with me. I will be cool either way. *shrug* You’re going to have people who will agree and those who disagree… Read more »
I’ve really enjoyed your comments on this post, ogwriter. Easily the most the nuanced and informed—which may be the reason they got so little response.
And Maroonista is clearly a waste of time.
I thought about giving a damn about you both saying that I’m a “waste of time” to talk to. I actually did wonder if you’d read my other comments before making that completely intelligent and thought-provoking response. (Sorry about the sarcasm dripping from your computer keyboard. It happens sometimes.) But then I realized who you do agree with and realized with a laugh, “Oh, that’s why. Now I DEFINITELY don’t give a damn.” *shrug* And…moving on!
@ogwriter… “This line of attack is all too common in the black community that eventually leads to an escalation in hostilities.” Yes, and it becomes counter productive. I just wished as a people we could learn to “rise above” this sort of thing. We need honest discourse. We need to hear the other person out, regardless of whether we agree or disagree. You did a fabulous job of presenting some tough and informed points. While I did not agree with everything, I can respect (and understand) where you were coming from on the issue(s). The aim and goal is to… Read more »
You did a fabulous job of presenting some tough and informed points. While I did not agree with everything, I can respect (and understand) where you were coming from on the issue(s). The aim and goal is to find solutions and common ground to move forward. Unless we can do this, it really is all lost. There’s a real challenge in there – so I wonder if people would be willing to rise to it! Pick a subject you are sure you won’t agree on – and then pick one where you will. Now pick one half way between and… Read more »
@wellokthen:The last comment I made to Jules was meant for you.
@Julia Byrd: For the most part your observations are astute and true. Foremost is the point that this situation is bigger than gender.
In some cases what we’re seeing is just the middle of cycle of abuse. Many of these men who are abusive to women were abused by women who were abused by men who were abused by women, etc., etc. That’s not an African-American thing, it’s a larger social problem. It’s an ongoing downward spiral. I don’t know what the rates of female-on-male domestic violence are within the African-American community, but I imagine it’s comparable to other groups. Bullies are often survivors of abuse themselves. There are certainly some high-profile cases that give me pause. Steve McNair’s murderer was an African… Read more »
@wellokaythen… It is indeed a larger problem. There are so many negatives in the black community. However, the majority is POSITIVE! Contrary to what is written there are NOT more black men in prison than college. Often, one has to seek out the truth and stop listening to half truths. Real income in the black community has actually increased in the black community! We actually have moguls and billionaires today. But, we need to tackle this issue with substance abuse, HIV/AIDS, and high school dropout. Lastly, Steve McNair was killed by his young Iranian lover. Not his black wife or… Read more »
@Maroonsista: I don’t subscribe to the values and beliefs of Southern honor bound society, nor do I believe that some arbitrary analysis of the value of shotgun wedding as a positive force on black culture is accurate in the least. I definitely don’t follow or believe in Protestantism. That kind of ridiculous chivalrous ideology is part of the problem.Which brings me to one of my overriding points;most of your knowledge and experience about these issues comes from your personal experience of your family. Since when has one family ever been used as a measure of how everyone else should manage… Read more »
@Ogwriter, I’ve already told you that after the “degree” comment I was done talking to you. I think a conversation with you is a waste of time (along with William, both of you spend too much time with the “whoa is me” whining b.s. I can’t respect) but I have said on this board that I’ve spoken in the community about safe sex and talked to college students about HIV/AIDS testing and being safe, etc. So no, I don’t just sit on a computer. I’ve been in countless charity events talking to young people about reducing the risks of unwanted… Read more »
@Maroonsista… I think polite discourse is important. We do not have to agree with one another. However, I think our community needs to learn how to engage in constructive dialogue without personal attacks. How are we ever as a people going to move forward if we refused to hear the other person out? How are we going to move forward if we shut the other person down? We do not have to agree. But, we can respectfully disagree. I am a fundamentally conservative man, even politically. However, I am open minded. I do not shoot the messenger. When I read… Read more »
@Julia Byrd From the very beginning I’ve heard you out and asked for actual examples of why you came to such grand assumptions that black women don’t like educated men and want to control them. I’ve even given you examples in hopes that maybe you’ll see from a first-hand perspective from a woman that it’s not always what it seems. As far as women ignoring you in the grocery store, no clue how to respond to that one. Maybe you give off a vibe. Maybe they don’t want to be bothered. It could be looks. It could be age. It… Read more »
I guess my question is whether “racial difference” is the key thing here. If a person is aggressive or rude, is it a “black man” in particular being that way, or is it a *man* being aggressive or rude, or is it just a *person* being aggressive or rude? If a person of one race is mean to a person of another race, how do we know that it’s a racial thing and not just someone being an asshole? There are jerks born into all racial categories. If a black man is a jerk, it may have nothing to do… Read more »
I’ve been sitting and watching this threat and it’s a hoot. I think there are some rather legitimate questions here that could do with being answered ; “I’m curious what the experience is among women who have dated black men as well as other men. Are black men somehow notably worse than other men when it comes to mistreatment? I honestly don’t know. I wonder if some of this is a feeling of disillusionment – here’s a guy I expected would understand my world and have my back, but he’s not like that.” I can make some legitimate answers as… Read more »
If you can see this message now, I strongly recommend you watch tonight’s episode of BET’s “Don’t Sleep” about the violence in Chicago and two brothas talking about living in the hood. The amount of smiling about murder, gangbanging, robbery and drugs just blew me away and T.J. Holmes NEVER smiled. I watched the show and it bothered me that I wasn’t surprised by anything they said…at all. One made a comment about homes with no money and what you do to survive. That takes me RIGHT BACK to my comments about having positive male role models in your life… Read more »
All I have to say is whan you get a loving, honest, respectful and supportive black women in your life, treat her well, don’t take her for granted, and give as good as you get; don’t lie and/or manipulate her to get what you want/need. We have a BAD habit of treating one another horribly, instead of appreciating and stepping up to be the man/woman that is needed and desired to have a successful (not necessarily on the material level!) progressive relationship; without that, we as a race will forever be behind the eightball….
@Cookie…
Yes. You are right.
Too often in the black community is always about “getting” and not enough of “giving.”
@Julia Byrd: Yeah we know that the uber mascul8nity thing is hype. We also know that it used like armor to protect us in a world where we can’t actually announce to the world that we are afraid. But the idea that the down low stuff is a reflection of a lack of masculinity is just not true. If a woman decides that she wants to experiment, she can without losing her womanhood. She is not penalized. In the oftimes homophobic hysteria of the black community, there is an obsession with monitoring the ebb and flow of masculinity of black… Read more »
@Julia Byrd: I betting even money that Sarah will not engage you in a debate about black penises and white women. Touche.
I just want to make note of your comment about black women not appreciating your education, your ability to carry yourself in a manner which is dignified, and as opposed to seeing this as a positive, it is deemed as a negative; viewed as you acting white. I want to say how unfortunate that is; where is it written that we have to speak, act, and behave in a manner that is negative and why would this behavior be more acceptable than acting like someone who respects themselves? By no means am I saying that there is a right or… Read more »
@Cookie…. Thanks for your comments. It is very sad that still in the 21st century we as a community do not value education and achievement (outside of entertainment and sports). We have much growing up to do. If we were to look at those immigrant blacks from Africa and the Carribean, we can see the stark contrasts. All too often we elevate form over substance. Much of it has to do with self loathing. I have always associated with people who knew MORE than I. I wanted to learn, excel, and succeed in life. What I see with many black… Read more »
No worries re: long winded – your comments were thoughtful and insightful….Yes, black women will definitely stand by her man, but in some cases, are they (the black women) appreciated for that support? We endure A LOT collectively as a race, yet it is SO difficult for us to support one another. The loyalty factor is limited. Sometimes I feel that black men are so hung up on the control isse when it comes to black women speaking their mind (respectively, of course), that the message and intent is lost; all that is heard is that she is trying to… Read more »
@Cookie, your comments were directed @Julia Byrd so I won’t dip in too long. Just wanted to say I agreed with pretty much everything you said (minus smiling at a thug, hell, even a thug is a person first and wasn’t born a thug). The rest though, *thumbs up* especially the part about “control” and “the message and intent is lost.” What some may consider “control” others may consider “teamwork” or “suggestions.” Anyway, good points!
LOL, I understand that a ‘thug’ is a person first, and wasn’t born a thug, yet to rewind to the beginning, as a black woman, I have to be cautious and careful about the vibe I give out when walking the streets and commuting to and fro..sorry, but it’s a fact, regardless of what the man may look like….sad but true…
With the amount of responses on here I’m pretty sure your answer will be no @Cookie but did you see the comment I left about walking home from work and the three guys I saw while walking down the street? Anyway, if you read that anecdote about the ‘grabber” (it was my first response) then you already know I can understand where you’re coming from. Problem is none of the guys (including the one who touched my coat) fit the description of a thug. Sometimes it’s NOT smiling or NOT speaking that can set someone off for no particular reason.… Read more »
No one should feel that they have to speak to someone just to possibly save themself from unwanted attention/advances/drama; it all boils down to respect. That’s where our community tends to (at times, not all of us) cross the line. We don’t respect one another and that’s where the problems start….
@Maroonsista: You sound young.Your analysis is also well. immature in so,many a ways and you continue to assume much.Just because your grandfather or father was able to escape the purge due to the war on drugs and draconian sentencing laws that doesn’t mean that the other guy or girl, from completely different circumstances, will do as your family as done. Complex problems with many moving parts are seldom solved with simple solutions. The all we need is good role models, trope is used by people who don’t actually work with at risk youth. Just one kid on the basketball team… Read more »
@Maroonsista: The issue for me is and continues to be about the bigger picture of routine cyclical abuse in American society of which no one group is safe from experiencing, as both perpetrator and victim. All groups; gays, straight men and women, lesbians,rich people, poor people,educated people, Catholics, Protestants, Jews,Arabs, bus drivers, short people with mohawks suffer from rape and dv in the subtext of their communities. But the only group who bears the burden of blame for ALL the others is men. And men of color, bear more than most. The issues of abuse in our country are bigger… Read more »
@rkandi: I don’t think for a moment that what I am doing has anything to do with promoting stereotypes. I am rectifying the use of stereotypes against men that too often serves as intelligent discourse. Even more important than that I am attempting to bring to light some issues of abuse that are hidden from view and public discourse. The problem is that the discussion of issues around abuse have been successfully highjacked by special interest groups that claim to be concerned about everyone but who clearly aren’t. The big picture is what concerns me and how the threads of… Read more »
R. L’Heureux Lewis-McCoy is an Assistant Professor of Sociology and Black Studies at the City College of New York – CUNY(B.A. from Morehouse College). His research concentrates on issues of educational inequality, the role of race in contemporary society, and gender equity. He has created B.R.O.T.H.E.R.S. (Boys Rising Organizing to Help End Racism and Sexism) where he will be working with adolescent males to become allies against sexism and gender based violence. He believes that sexual violence is a collective issue and one that is sadly often framed solely as a “women’s issue.” Quotes from some of this articles: “We,… Read more »
@THE ALCHEMIST:I don’t think you understand where I am coming from.I don’t follow your(Roberts) line of reasoning due to the fact that it is so flawed, in almost too many ways to mention. My abhorrence of these theories is based on a lifetime of research and experience, plain common sense, and has nothing to do with the color of your/his skin or of your/his gender. Dressing these ideas up in gender black face is strangely familiar and predictable. The professor sounds like a smart guy, but last time I checked, there are 100’s upon 100’s of sociological theories and according… Read more »
@Irma: This is the freakiest thing ever.You have my mother’s name,God rest her troubled soul…too strange,for real.
It strikes me that, in this amazing, insightful conversation, triggered by the amazing, insightful article, many of the people commenting are reproducing yet other stereotypes. Everybody seems to be questioning everybody else’s stereotypes. Few are questioning their own. That’s a problem. On this page alone, I think I’ve read stereotypes of black men, black women, black feminists, white men, white women… I think it’s safe to say that EVERYBODY stereotypes other people. To some extent, it seems to be part of how we learn about the world. The problem, I believe, occurs when, we allow the stereotypes to become larger… Read more »
@Alchemist: You should speak for yourself. If this years election, was any indication of whose issues are more important,the war on women propaganda, answered that. The idea that black women are not being heard is pretty strange. There has been a pretty steady drumbeat of anger for many years now.”All blackmen ain’t shit.”We don’t need blackmen.” “I could marry a whiteman and not have to deal with this shit.” These are all things I heard growing up and still hear. Anytime you want to discuss what really goes on in the community ,let me know. If you just want to… Read more »