Sixteen athletes, entertainers, businessmen, and world leaders face off for the imaginary title of Best Man.
In honor of March Madness, we’re pitting 16 of the best men in the world against one another in a single-elmination, bracket-style competition to try and find who the best man truly is. We already gave you a bracket for good men. This is the (completely subjective) bracket of good men. We start off in the Sweet 16:
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Athletes:
(1) Drew Brees vs. (4) Landon Donovan
Brees is the overwhelming favorite, and he jumped out to an early lead because, well, he saved an entire city. Generally, he’s just a great dude. He’s pretty freaking good at football, and now that we might not have football, he’s front and center, trying to bring the game back. Intelligent and athletic. You know, if I were a woman … wait, where were we?
Right, Landon Donovan.
You can never rule out our four-seed. If you need a little refresher course, here’s why:
Brees saved a city? Big deal. Landon Donovan captivated a country for, well, a couple of days. That’s more than enough. Everyone’s brackets are busted, and we’re only one game in.
(2) Derek Jeter vs. (3) Steve Nash
Everyone loves Derek Jeter. OK, no they don’t. Everyone wants to be Derek Jeter. He’s that two-seed who’s almost always a one-seed, but, since it’s Derek Jeter, we all still think he’s a favorite, kind of like UNC. His, um, “dating” resume is impressive, but it’s the consistency and the way he’s succeeded—he’s the one guy we’d never put anywhere near the All-Steroids team—that makes Jeter such a respected winner.
His opponent though, other than a few MVPs, hasn’t won anything. Still, despite his absolutely terrible haircut, everyone really does love Steve Nash. Whether it’s his charitableness, his entertaining basketball skills, or his general awesomeness, you won’t find anyone who’ll say a bad word about Nash. Also, being really good at two sports doesn’t hurt. Nash advances in a blowout we all saw coming, but were afraid to admit.
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Entertainers:
(1) Bono vs. (4) Ben Stiller
Stiller is a fan favorite. He’s the team everyone wants to be “this year’s George Mason.” Stillerstrong? Yes. He’s doing good in a funny way, which is something we all want to see more of. But Meet the Fockers? Seriously, man. What the hell was that? Maybe in the NIT that crap would’ve flown, but not here.
This is Bono we’re talking about. The guy might not even have eyes and no one would care because he’s so awesome. Right now, he’s simultaneously solving world hunger, cleaning water in Cambodia, setting the world record for the fastest Sudoku game, and recording a No. 1 single. It’s Bono in a romp.
(2) Sean Penn vs. (3) Conan O’Brien
Sean Penn is weird. We’re supposed to think he’s good. He does a lot of good stuff. But we’re really not sure what the hell is going on over there. Like, sure, he’s a great guy and all, but he’s too … removed and mysterious. And that freaks me out. If BYU was a talented, philanthropic, Oscar-winning actor taking part in a fake celebrity version of March Madness, they would be Sean Penn.
Conan, though, is a little more straightforward. He’s a nut job, but he’s one of those really loud, really harmless crazy people. That’s crazy in a good way. Conan is crazy for a good cause. Midway through the second half, he figures out Penn’s complex, vaguely secretive defense and squeaks out a close one.
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Businessmen:
(1) Bill Gates vs. (4) Mark Zuckerberg
No, the Zuck doesn’t have a friend on the selection committee. He didn’t offer us a rather sizable share of Facebook ownership. He didn’t mention anything about a secret program that lets you see everyone who’s clicked on your profile. And he didn’t promise any of us a collectable pair of his Adidas slip-ons and tube socks. None of that! His late-season form earned him his spot in the field.
However, as we’ve seen, late-season form means absolutely nothing in March. Bill Gates has been doing this for years, and he absolutely demolished Zuckerberg. His inside and outside game are too much for Zuckerberg’s free-flowing, open-door privacy policy … er, defense.
(2) Steve Jobs vs. (3) Warren Buffett
Chalk. Chalk. Chalk.
You know, sometimes the team that deserves to advance just doesn’t. Whether it’s a bad bounce, a freak injury, or an absolutely ridiculous call by a numerically challenged referee … shit just happens.
And that’s how it is here. If Warren Buffett pronounced his last name differently, he would advance, especially after a last-second slip-up by Jobs opened the door. But a technicality cost him: we’re stuck with the boring “Buff-it.” And because of that, Warren Buffett has to watch the rest of the tournament from home. Steve Jobs advances.
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World Leaders:
(1) Dalai Lama vs. (4) President Obama
After beating out Vladimir Putin in the play-in game that many thought he had no right to be in, Obama’s bid to become this tournament’s VCU comes to a screeching halt at the feet of His Holiness.
The Dalai Lama caught game tape of the president’s early-season out-of-conference loss to Ben Stiller, and he exploited those same weaknesses to perfection.
(2) Pope Benedict XVI vs. (3) Ban Ki-moon
Ban Ki-moon came into the tournament as the hot upset pick. The computer rankings said he was under-seeded. His up-tempo game was supposed to be a mismatch for the Pope’s slow-it-down, grind-it-out, old-school style. But that’s why they play the games.
Everything went wrong for the three-seed. Whenever he needed a big shot, the ball rimmed out. Every close call went the way of Pope Benedict. After the game, Ban Ki-Moon was looking for answers.
“You know, we ran everything to perfection. We stuck to our game plan and did what we needed to, but it just wasn’t our day. It’s like there was some higher power guiding the ball out there today or something.”
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Next: Elite Eight
Athletes:
(3) Steve Nash vs. (4) Landon Donovan
It’s obvious Steve Nash wishes he played soccer. Actually, I think he wishes he was Landon Donovan. It’s kind of embarrassing for a professional athlete to be that desperate.
I mean, we get it, man. You like soccer and all, but you play basketball. Get over it. We know the only reason you got involved with the Vancouver Whitecaps was to get closer to Landon.
Despite Nash’s extensive, stalker-like, bordering-on-criminal pre-game research, Donovan advances rather comfortably.
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Entertainers:
(1) Bono vs. (3) Conan O’Brien
Might Conando just be crazy enough to pull off the biggest upset of the tournament thus far? As we saw in his domination of Ben Stiller, Bono literally does everything.
But, with the tournament taking place on the Internet, Conan has the home-court advantage behind him. After winning the tipoff—obviously—Conan jumps out to an early lead. The crowd and his seemingly endless energy drives him on. But the late night host wears himself out, as he’s completely incapable of sitting still during halftime.
While Conan’s skin tone and hair color normally pose a massive visual problem for his opponents, it’s no big deal for Bono. He weathers the early storm and pulls away by a score that makes the game look more lopsided than it actually was.
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Businessmen:
(1) Bill Gates vs. (2) Steve Jobs
They meet again. If there were a time for Jobs to overtake Gates, it would be here.
But Jobs barely snuck by Buffett, just making it through based on a technicality. Everyone’s ignoring the fact that he just looked plain awful in the previous round. Jobs is that upset pick we’ll all look back on and say, “What the hell were we thinking?” Gates’ continuous onslaught of charitable money is just too much for Jobs despite a number of valiant late attempts at releasing something “sleek and new.”
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World Leaders:
(1) Dalai Lama vs. (2) Pope Benedict XVI
Due to some implicit biases within the selection committee, the two pre-tournament favorites meet before the Final Four. The computer rankings say that the Pope and the Dalai Lama employ the most efficient offenses and defenses in all the land. The numbers say that this game should go into an infinite number of overtimes, only ending with the inevitable destruction of the Earth in 2012.
But then numbers are often wrong (see: the bracket I had with Texas playing Purdue in the national championship), and they were in this instance.
The game went into triple overtime. And that was only after what some called a “miraculous” comeback from Pope Benedict to end the second half. But tired legs eventually caught up with the head of the Catholic Church in the third extra frame. The Dalai Lama has taken some time off recently, and he looked fresh even at the final whistle. A late pardon for the entire Jewish people was not enough for the Pope to advance.
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Next: Final Four
Final Four:
(1) Bono vs. (4) Landon Donovan
When asked before the game if he knew who Landon Donovan was, Bono responded:
“Oh, he’s a soccer player? An American soccer player? Now, that’s cute, isn’t it? He scored in the World Cup? 2010? No, didn’t watch it. I was supporting Ireland, but we still haven’t played our first game yet. We’re waiting for the entire tournament to be replayed. Thierry Henry, that bastard …”
Donovan played with a chip on his shoulder. He fought hard, but Bono had an answer for everything, and he advances to the championship.
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(1) Bill Gates vs. (1) Dalai Lama
In the strangest game thus far, the Dalai Lama won without scoring any points. Rather than playing, from the opening whistle he just sat at mid-court, legs-crossed, making this face for the duration of the game:
Bill Gates scored 100 unanswered points, but, with less than a minute remaining, he made eye contact with the Dalai Lama and suddenly decided to forfeit.
“I just—I can’t explain it,” Gates said afterward. “That little guy. He’s just, just such a beautiful man. You know, I realized that there’s so much more to life than winning or losing. Do winning and losing even exist? Without our participation would victory even be something that we view as a valid marker of personal success?”
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Next: Championship
Championship
(1) Bono vs. (1) Dalai Lama
This one came down to the wire. Rested from exerting absolutely no energy in his semifinal game, the Dalai Lama jumped out to an early lead and went into halftime with a sizable cushion.
Bono, after an emotional halftime show—in which he was the only performer—came out inspired in the second half. He quickly erased the deficit and found himself with a three-point lead with 10 seconds remaining. As the Dalai Lama postured and pump-faked, trying to set-up a three-pointer, Bono fouled him with less than one second left, sending His Holiness to the line with a chance to only score two points, seemingly sealing the game.
The Dalai Lama swished the first shot. Before he let go of what should’ve been an inconsequential free throw, His Holiness walked over to Bono, gently grabbed the back of his neck, and kissed him on the forehead. He then removed Bono’s sunglasses, put them on his head, and sank the last shot.
But suddenly, the Dalai Lama was up by a point. Somehow, he’d hit the first and the only three-point free throw in the history of basketball. Bono inbounded the ball and fell to his knees as the clock expired.
Victorious, the Dalai Lama quietly walked out of the stadium, taking the trophy with him as he approached the exit, sunglasses still on. The entire stadium broke into uncontrollable tears of happiness as the door slammed shut. They tried to do the wave, but something, finally, told them not to.
“It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” Bono said afterward.
Yes, yes it was.
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Here’s the full bracket:
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—All photos AP