Boundaries are guidelines that dictate what behaviors you will tolerate and which you won’t. They are as simple as, “I will tolerate XYZ, but I will not tolerate ABC.” For example, “I will tolerate my ex calling me out when I’m acting needy or immature, but I will not tolerate them not showing up for the date we set.”
Boundaries are also interwoven with responsibility. The stronger your boundaries, the more responsibility you take for your behavior and emotions, and the less responsibility you take for the behaviors and emotions of others.
In fact, the whole point of boundaries is to use them to eventually arrive at a place where you take full responsibility for your own behaviors and emotions while NOT taking responsibility for the behaviors or emotions of others.
Now, boundaries often receive a bad rap because people feel establishing them is selfish or unattractive, but that’s far from the truth.
Healthy boundaries radically increase your self-esteem and lower neediness. In fact, they are a recurring side effect of having higher self-esteem and lower neediness in general.
And for those reason having them also makes getting your ex back that much faster. And even if that’s not your goal, even if all you want is to move on and find someone else, healthy boundaries will make the venture 10x fucking easier.
Two Types Of Boundaries Issues
People with poor boundaries often come in two flavors: Pleasers and Breakers. The Pleasers take too much responsibility for the emotions and behaviors of their ex. And the Breakers take no responsibility for their emotions/behavior and often expect their ex to take too much responsibility for theirs.
The Pleasers
Pleasers, or in psych terms, codependents, believe that if they can fix their ex, they will receive the validation and affection that they’ve always craved from them. Instead of expressing their honest opinions, they lie and hold things in to avoid rejection, conflict, and disapproval. They are more concerned with how their ex perceives them than how they perceive themselves. They also feel unworthy or at least less worthy than their ex, which, as you would expect, leads to some pretty nasty overcompensation.
Pleasers believe that the only way they’re going to get back with and keep their ex is by doing everything in their power to make them happy. Some of them will butcher their entire identity for them. Some will try to fix every issue and challenge their ex stumbles on, even when it’s inappropriate. Some will send a litany of “I love you” texts throughout the days. And others will try to manipulate their ex into feeling good.
Some examples of a Pleaser’s poor boundaries:
- Sorry, I can’t go to the cinema today. I’m still waiting for my ex’s call. She said she would call me when I explained to her how I wanted her back. (Spoiler: the call never came.)
- My ex cheated on me then dumped me. I must make it up to him. I better show how much I’ve changed and how much he means to me by setting up a grand surprise date for him.
- I would love to go study abroad. It’s been my dream but now is not the right time. I’m trying to get my ex back.
- I really want to order steak, but my ex always gets angry when I’m eating meat. He says it’s immoral and that I should change. So I better listen to him. I mean, it’s our first date after our breakup. I don’t want to screw it up.
The Breakers
Breakers, or in psych terms, narcissists, believe that if they put the responsibility on their ex, they’ll receive the love they’ve always wanted. Put it differently, if they keep playing the victim, they’ll eventually get their ex back because the ex will be inclined to save them.
Breakers are the raging assholes who never admit that they’re wrong. They never admit to faults and imperfections. They are the person they wish everyone else should be. They usually manipulate their ex, deflect blame, gaslight, and lie perpetually. They make everyone around them feel as though they’re an unworthy sack of shit who should be fucking grateful to be grazed by their presence.
Some examples of a Breaker’s poor boundaries:
- No, you can’t go out with Cindy because I’ll get jealous again. I don’t care that we’re broken up! Don’t date other people.
- If you want me back, block all the men you talked to or dated. You know how insecure I get.
- My ex is so stupid. She always took too long to make me coffee, and I was always late for work because of her.
- It’s my family’s fault that my relationship didn’t work out. I should’ve never listened to their opinions and advice.
Examples Of Unhealthy Boundaries With An Ex (The Breaker-Pleaser Spiral)
The most notable aspect of relationships where both exes possess some kind of boundary issue is the constant struggle to keep things stable. In other words, relationships where two exes keep breaking up and getting back together — a.k.a., forming an on/off relationship.
These on/off relationships constantly fluctuate in intensity. You could be on cloud nine for the first two weeks, then in hell for the next two. Rinse, recycle, repeat. Think of them as a rollercoaster; at some points, you’re up, and at others, you’re down. There is not much “in between.”
In other words, the Breaker never takes responsibility for their actions or behaviors and keeps blaming the Pleaser for everything. Conversely, the Pleaser thinks the Breaker’s failures and bad feelings are all their fault. And so they shower them with validation and affection and solutions to their problems to make them feel better.
The Breaker shields themselves from any responsibility; the Pleaser makes themselves exceedingly responsible. The Breaker keeps blaming the Pleaser; the Pleaser keeps blaming themselves for the Breakers’ problems — ad infinitum.
As you might guess, the Breaker/Pleaser dynamic is equivalent to the Avoidant/Anxious dynamic in the realm of attachment theory. The Breaker is often an Avoidant, while the Pleaser is the Anxious.
For a Pleaser to stop breaking up and getting back together with their ex, they have to realize that making themselves fully responsible for the feelings and behaviors of their ex and forcing their attention upon them will only end in misery and frustration. And probably a lot of profanity.
For a Breaker to stop breaking up and getting back together with their ex, they have to realize that they’re not special or flawless or whatever dumb arbitrary definition they’ve invented for themselves. They should also realize that since they’re human, they make mistakes, which they should take responsibility for, not deflect.
Examples Of Healthy Boundaries With An Ex
Figuring out what healthy boundaries with your ex look like is often a challenge. It’s a confusing topic. Hopefully, the example below clears some of the confusion you may have.
The first example outlines a situation between two exes who are trying to rekindle their relationship. One is secure. The other is codependent. One has sturdy and healthy boundaries. The other has no sense of boundaries whatsoever.
The Codependent: You know I love you, but I need you to spend more time with me. I’m really trying to make this work again. You didn’t respond to my message for over 3 hours, nor have you answered any of my calls. Why would you do that?
The Secure: I told you, I was staying at my grandma’s — and you know where she lives. In the bloody mountains, where there’s virtually no cellular network, let alone a stable internet connection. Geez. I told you this already last week. And besides, we’re not officially even together yet. Please, just give me some space.
The Codependent: Fine, whatever. I just wanted you to know that I’ve gone ahead and finished editing your master thesis and have already sent it to your school faculty. I felt generous.
The Secure: Um, thanks, but you didn’t have to do that. I didn’t even ask you to edit my papers.
The Codependent: It’s okay. I wanted to do it. I want you to be done with school and find a great-paying job. That’s why I even went and looked for some new job openings for you today.
The Secure: As lovely as that sounds, you really don’t have to do these things for me. I can do them myself. Plus, I’m not even sure I want a full-time job yet. I’m thinking of adding another major to my CV. Maybe psychology or something similar.
The Codependent: Oh, I know that. I just figured it makes sense to help you out as much as possible. I also went ahead and discussed how to rent an apartment with my father, so we’ll have everything ready for when we get back together.
The Secure: Look, I’m not ready for that yet. We’ve only been on a couple of dates since our breakup. It’s way too soon to think about getting back together, let alone moving in together.
The Codependent: But I love you… I want to take care of you and make this work this time.
The Secure: I love you too, but you have to let me do things my own way and at my pace. You have to let me come to you. What you’re doing is not healthy. You’re rushing things. We’re not even together, and you’re already thinking about us moving in together? You haven’t even consulted me about it.
The Codependent: I can’t believe how selfish you are! I do everything for you, and now you’re blaming me for it and telling me how you’re not ready?!
The Secure: If you really cared about me, you would stop trying to control my life and let me live it independently. I won’t get back with you if you don’t let me have my peace.
Just in case the previous example wasn’t clear enough, I’ll also add three shorter ones below. They outline three everyday situations you may get yourself into with your ex and ways you could respond to them to get the best chance of rekindling your relationship.
Your Ex: I don’t want a friendship either, but I also don’t want to get back together with you. Let’s rather have an open relationship.
You: We talked about this before. I’m just not that type of a person. I want a monogamous relationship. And I don’t want to compromise on my want. I figured it’s fair to put this out there since it’s really important to me.
Your Ex: Yeah, I thought you were still going to meet with Tamara. You always liked her more than me. You probably don’t even care about me anymore. Go, have a great time with your friend. I’ll be fine.
You: Okay, let’s not resort to guilt-tripping. You know I want to repair our relationship, but for us to do that, you’ll have to become okay with me having female friends and a life of my own. Please respect and not limit my social life like I respect and never limit yours.
Your ex: If you want me back, I want you to come to my place and show me. I know it’s a 3-hour drive away, but I really don’t have the time to come to your place. I have a really busy schedule right now, and lot’s of errands to take care of.
You: I totally get that, but I’m not coming to your place. You’ve left me, and now you want me back. Well, prove it. Prove you really want me. Come to my place for once. We can make a nice dinner together and have a great time. I just want to see you put in the effort into us. If you can’t do that, we’ll simply meet up some other time, perhaps when we’re visiting the same town or something.
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Previously published on maxjancar.com
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