When you touch people deeply, they react emotionally.
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I’ve been writing about men and masculinity since my first book Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man was published in 1983. I was inspired to write about men and masculinity after reading Herb Goldberg’s book, The Hazards of Being Male: Surviving the Myth of Masculine Privilege. I still have my copy of Goldberg’s book with the picture of a masculine, muscled arm, with a broken red heart.
The inspiration for this article came from a discussion by authors who write for The Good Men Project about an article that appeared in the Guardian titled Matt Haig “Crucified” on Twitter for planning a book about masculinity. It isn’t always easy to write from the heart about matters of sex and gender. I hope Matt finds a way to express what is in his heart. We need to hear more about men and masculinity in these changing times.
In Goldberg’s book, published in 1976 he says,
“The male has paid a heavy price for his masculine ‘privilege’ and power. He is out of touch with his emotions and his body…The humanistic growth movement and the feminist movements have both helped to create a climate that is conducive to altering the rigid and harmful patterns of behavior. It is naïve, however, to believe that men will experience meaningful growth simply by piggy-backing the changes that are occurring in women’s attitudes. Men need to arrive at their own realization of what is crucial to their survival and well-being.”
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Getting my first book published was not easy. I kept getting angry rejection letters from publisher after publisher. After each letter I became more and more discouraged. “I didn’t think my writing was that bad,” I thought to myself. I finally brought the letters to a colleague who was a publisher at a major book company. He read them and was amazed. “No one gets these kinds of long rejection letters. Most everyone gets polite, short letters, saying that the work isn’t right for us.” He asked to read my manuscript. He got back to me soon. I was hopeful. “No wonder you’re getting these kinds of rejections, you’re touching people deeply, and they are reacting emotionally. With your professional background people are expecting a ‘professional’ book with objectivity and distance. You write so personally, you’re shaking people up.”
“So, does that mean you want to publish my book,” I asked. “I’d never get it past our review team. I’m sorry,” he told me. Eventually I got an offer from another publisher, but by then I had decided to create my own company, Fifth Wave Press, to publish this book as well as my wife’s Love It, Don’t Label It: A Practical Guide for Using Spiritual Principles in Everyday Life. I was glad I had published myself. Since my wife and I were the publishers we could say the things we wanted to say.
In the book I wrote about going into a feminist book store in San Francisco because I felt that a lot of what I was reading from feminists was going to liberate me. A number of the women seemed fine with my being in the store, but others, including the person in charge seemed hostile. There was a young boy, about nine years old, in the store who was obviously the son of the person in charge. He would walk by me and “accidentally” bump into me. At first I didn’t notice how angry he was. On the third “bump through” he pushed a little hand-written note in my hand. What I read hurt my soul. “We don’t like men in here,” it said. It still pains me to remember that young boy and what he was learning about his own maleness.
I kept reading and I kept writing. I wrote a series on the male change of life including Male Menopause, Surviving Male Menopause, and The Whole Man Program. I got mostly angry comments from men. Reading between the lines I got the idea that suggesting that a man might go through anything like what a woman went through was threatening to many men’s sense of themselves. Most women loved the books. “It’s about time you men finally figured out that you’re as hormonal as women are,” one woman told me.
However this was not true for all. Some women who identified as feminists, including my friend, Sally Miller Gearhart, refused to endorse the book. She said, “Damn, can’t you men leave anything for women. Now you even want to co-opt menopause.” It took a few years before our friendship got back on track. After I wrote The Whole Man Program my medical colleagues attacked me for suggesting that many of the ailments that were most common, including things like atrial fibrillation, rheumatoid arthritis, and multiple sclerosis had a significant emotional component and could be treated with energy medicine practices in addition to more mainstream medical treatments.
When I wrote The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression some of my colleagues in the men’s movement accused me of “pandering to feminists by taking a women’s view of men and putting men down.” There were rants on my blog saying the title was “anti-male.”
One of the things I love most about writing for The Good Men Project is that we can explore controversial areas of male/female life and experience and still be able to be respectful of each other. In a world that in many ways is out of balance, it’s easy for some to take a simple approach to literature on men and masculinity.
“You’re either with me or you’re against me. Either you agree with me or you don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I intend to continue writing about men and masculinity. It’s one of the ways I continue to grow and change. I owe it to myself, my wife of thirty-five years, and to our five children and fifteen grandchildren. I look forward to your comments. What are some of the hazards and rewards about writing about men and masculinity for you?
Photo Credit: Getty Images
I really appreciate you having the courage to express the truths of your manhood, especially when they are met with such volatility. Thanks for being a strong, masculine voice, Jed. It helps a ton.
Dan
Dan, Nice to feel the support of others. I appreciate the connection.
Jed,
Its always a pleasure to read your comments and writings and the world needs more men like Jed Diamond. I see a number of male contributors to “The Good Men Project” that I believe are out of touch with their masculinity and reality. I was starting to call this “The Good Little Boy Project”. They need to publish more of your writings.
Thank you again for all that you do to help men and help preserve Masculinity. Cheers.
Thanks Bob. There are a diversity of voices here at GMP and I’m proud to be one. GMP editors and staff have been totally supportive of my work and the variety of articles that I have written since my first article on “The Wisdom of the Penis” which appeared in their first issue.
Jed,
I have always thought of you as a man well ahead of the curve in your writing and now I will think of you as one of the bravest guys I know. Keep writing my friend, we need to hear more from you!
By the way, the image of that boy in the store will be haunting me for quite a while.
Thanks Jude, The memory of that boy is one of the things that keeps me focused. I also have vivid memories of two women at a feminist gathering where there were 500 women and a few men. Most of the women were hostile to our presence. But these two women made a special effort to reach out and encourage my being there and thanking me for the courage to act. I’ll always hold on to the images of pain as well as the ones of joy. They are all teachers and guides for me as I continue my journey in… Read more »
2 out of 500? Wow, you are an optimist Jed.
How dare you suggest that men are human and not replaceable cogs put on this Earth for the benefit of others! 🙂 Great article. It might be interesting to read this article from the manosphere. http://judgybitch.com/2015/06/18/did-feminism-cause-the-greek-debt-crisis/ or look at the comments on this one from GMP look atthe comments about the coal miners. https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/could-a-race-of-highly-intelligent-robots-teach-us-about-our-own-prejudices/ The takeaway is related to the conversation I had with a female co-worker. People forget that the purpose of life is to be happy. Sometimes feminism makes a person happy. Sometimes it’s a more traditional approach. We should allow everyone opportunity, but many times it’s live… Read more »
John, Thanks for the suggestions. I’ll check them out.
Let’s be clear. The two main reasons people were upset with Haig is because one his book wasn’t just going to be about how men need feminism and two it wasn’t going to be be all about how men benefit from male privilege. It is naïve, however, to believe that men will experience meaningful growth simply by piggy-backing the changes that are occurring in women’s attitudes. Men need to arrive at their own realization of what is crucial to their survival and well-being.” Well its amazing how naive people have gotten these days. Men trying to cut their own paths… Read more »
Danny, You certainly understand some the issues we face. I appreciate the support. I continue to write from the heart, telling the truth as I see it, and letting those who resonate with me get the benefit of what I have to say. I look for kindred spirits and don’t worry much about those who disagree with my views.
Jed, I really loved hearing this story, thanks so much for posting it.
So cool to hear about books from earlier decades about men talking about this stuff – I hope to add Herb’s book to my collection soon. Also very inspiring to learn that you started a publishing company of your own to overcome the bias in the publishing industry at that time. 🙂
Its been quite a journey. Thanks for the comments. Now I see more and more women and men coming together to heal ourselves, our relationships, and the planet we all share.