I think I know
why I wanted you to love me
I wanted your love
to fill the hole
that I had carved in my own heart
I wanted your warmth
to burn me alive
to engulf me
to show me who I am
through hot disintegration
I wanted your touch
to desensitize me
And I wanted your breath
to breathe for me
Because I was scared
that if I did it on my own
that no one would like me
that no one would want me
that there wouldn’t even be a me
to love
You know me now
You know my mind
doesn’t plod along
it gallops
it zigs
where it should zag
It falls apart
into the most beautiful mess
I see that now
Because I see me now
I see
why I wanted you to love me
I thought
I needed to find love
outside of me
But all along
It waited for me
to stop my endless search
and just sit down
to the heat of my own fire
so that I could rest and warm my hands
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This post was originally published on Medium.com and is republished with the author’s permission.
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