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Growing up, in our families and in our daily lives, we learned what parts of ourselves were acceptable to other people.
Certain behaviors are valued while others are not. There is a time and place for everything. It’s okay to cry at a funeral, but not okay to cry because you lost a game (even if it was disappointing to you).
Through correction, we learn what others expect of us in mixed settings. We learned what is rewarded.
And it is hardly being exactly who we are or what we feel in the moment.
We learn how to suppress our thoughts, emotions, and desires in exchange for acceptance by the tribe which consists of our peers, loved ones, and future bosses.
There is a biological component because when resources were limited, being shunned by the tribe could mean certain death. The only survival mechanism was to remain in the group and embrace the culture. Now, you can be self-sufficient without needing the tribe, but we still experience the fear of ostracism.
We are still driven to procreate, participate in economics, and to be loved by someone which is hard to do if you aren’t accepted by others. There are some of us who are loved for being wildly different, eccentric, and rebellious but that also comes at a price that many would rather not pay. It’s easy to go along to get along.
And it is very easy to do this until…
You get into a serious relationship.
The rules of a serious relationship are very different from the rules of the world. The world doesn’t need to know you intimately to trust you. Society welcomes fake profiles and throws money at fantasy.
But intimacy demands authenticity.
You have spent so many years crafting this mask of perfection and it feels safe, even if it is burdensome to wear it all the time.
Here comes someone who offers love but wants to see behind this mask and get to know the real you. The question is, do you even know who that person is? When would you have even gotten to know that person if you were so busy being acceptable to others?
If you have suppressed much of what you enjoy or most of your thoughts stay in your mind, you may find it difficult to now tap into those desires or speak up for yourself.
Some of us find someone who is so self-focused that they won’t notice that you are pretending to be what they want. They will just enjoy it and believe that you are equally enjoying it. It is possible to set up a whole life where everyone believes you are happy because by outward appearances there is no reason to question it.
You develop a secret life when the only person who knows the real you is your own mind. When that starts to feel desperate, you either blow up your life with lies; by unleashing anger and resentment on others; or by self-medicating to ease the daily suppression.
Or, you can give yourself the permission to discover your authentic self.
It’s a slow, scary process. It’s hard to suddenly switch gears and start revealing who you truly are.
It’s harder to ask the questions, who am I and what do I want?
There is also the risk that people won’t like or love the real you and you will lose things. But do you really have them anyway if you aren’t being yourself? They all love a version of you that doesn’t really exist.
I was a perfectionist, people-pleasing, codependent, manipulator. I was an expert at making people believe I loved what they loved, wanted what they wanted, and I chased a life that matched what I thought would make me look like I had it all together.
Eventually, it all fell apart because I didn’t have the strength to manipulate everyone and everything to fit my image. People just refused to play along. And, I attracted energy vampires. They were also pretending in exchange for the benefits of being with someone who would twist themselves in a pretzel to solve their problems.
My mental strength couldn’t stay two steps ahead and constantly plot how to keep winning acceptance. I burned myself out and everything came crashing down.
When I finally looked around, I realized I wasn’t happy. It led to depression, fatigue, and losing my identity.
I had to rebuild my identity one question at a time. Who am I? What do I want? And why do I value others more than I love myself?
I had to stop running from myself. And, I let everyone else go. I didn’t worry about whether they would be there or if they would like me when I was done. The result was I realized that person whose acceptance I never cared about or asked for was my own.
While I was trying to create this perfect picture, I wasn’t being accepting of my own likes, needs, and desires. I knew everything about everyone else and nothing about myself.
Authenticity is basically your relationship with yourself.
If that relationship is good, then you attract good people, good things, and everything will be more clearly aligned with your needs because you will make your decisions with a focus on what is good for you.
My authentic self is way more fun and loving than the one I spent years crafting. And, I’m much happier showing the real me to people and feeling their acceptance. Rejection doesn’t crush me like I feared it would because I am so much more in love with the real me than I am the opinion of someone else.
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