Setting the foundation is the key to helping our boys find their way to manhood
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Not every child we raise turns out the way we “plan” for them to. We feel our dreams are lost when our kids choose a path we know can be filled with thorns along the way. When I was raising my now adult son, I remember as a first time parent going through the ups and downs that come along with parenting as he tried to find his way. It wasn’t easy because I felt I knew the potential he had and the road he should travel on until a good friend stopped me and said “his journey is not your journey, and his walk is not yours to follow.”
My dreams of my own son becoming a doctor, lawyer or surgeon only belonged to me and not to him. He had music/entertainment in his veins and quite frankly I had it too. I sang in a band, went to acting school for a while, hosted a local cable television show at one time, traveled up and down the east coast singing in dives hoping for my shot at fame and even married a guy who was part owner in a local record label. Both my dad and stepdad even had jobs as radio DJ’s when I was young. So, why would I expect my creative child to become a scholar and I wasn’t even one?
Those words of wisdom from my friend about the journey meant a lot for me. I remember reading a book “Now I Lay My Isaac Down” by Carol Kent. It spoke of parents who raised the model son who eventually made a choice that impacted the rest of his life (and theirs) negatively and how this couple who were very religious had to learn to let go and allow their beliefs in the creator to sustain them through their own son’s journey. Whether you are a believer in a higher power or not, one things stands true. That is, all parents do the best they can with what they have at that moment and deep down we do want the best for our kids; but, we have to learn to let go just enough to let them grow into who they are supposed to be. We don’t determine their future, all we do is give them guiding principles to help them move forward.
A few things to remember when your son reaches that pivotal time in his life to help you work through the transition from boy to man are:
- If you give them a solid foundation of integrity and belief in themselves, it will go further than you can imagine.
- If you’ve given them basic survival skills, their natural instinct will kick in to help them along the way.
- If you’ve shown them love, even at the toughest times they will reach within themselves to draw on that love for strength.
- If you’ve given them a feeling of acceptance, they will know that no matter how bad things get they can always come back to mom or dad for help or guidance if things get too tough.
- If you’ve raised them in a home exhibits support for what is right, loving correction for what is wrong and the wisdom to know the difference, they will learn from their choices and become the better for it.
- If you slowly allow them to see the consequences for their actions and not deprive them of natural consequence, they will be less likely to feel entitled to everything and responsible for nothing.
- If you show them how to trust you, then you also show them how to trust themselves and know that they are doing their best.
- If you think back to your own childhood and the things your parents wanted for you, vs what you chose for yourself you may be inclined to ease up on your kids.
It’s not easy letting go of the boys we raise as they travel the scary road to manhood. The world is full of people and experiences that mean them no good. It is however, the foundation that we set in place in their early years that will carry both them and us through. Not every child will go to college or complete it. Not every child will wait until they’re married to have children. Not every child will grow up to live a heterosexual lifestyle with 2.5 kids, 2 cars, a 4 bedroom home and a white picket fence.
Once we get past what we think things should be and accept what they are we will be a lot happier for ourselves and our children. I’ve learned over the years as long as we have not harmed anyone else or ourselves and become a productive citizen, we are doing pretty damned good in life and that is the real meaning of success. We must embrace our differences and that includes those of our children as well.
Photo: David Amsler/Flickr
Thank you, thank you, thank you and again thank you!!! Ever since my twenties a particular question has been on my mind: will I make a good father? I never found an answer, mostly because the question itself was based off of an unfounded assumption: that there is a specific way to be a good father. Instead, I turned inward and looked at the most important facets and ideals in my life. It was then that I found some answers. If I end up having a daughter, I will want her to know that she had inherent, inestimable value from… Read more »
Thank you for your kind words Rich and for reading my work as well as being a supporter of the Good Men Project.