John Edwards learned a valuable lesson about bringing your baggage from their childhood to parenthood the day he almost hit his child.
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Like many people in the world my upbringing was far from perfect with an alcoholic father and a traumatized but loving mother raising me. It could be assumed that after such a turbulent childhood I would have been a great father, but this was unfortunately not the case.
My own parenting spiraled out of control when I lost my temper and nearly hit my own child. At that point I knew that it was time for me to become the parent that my children deserved me to be.
My father is of the old school “Do as I say” and “kids should be seen and not heard” mentality which was only made worse by his drinking problem – this was the only parenting style I knew.
At 23 I married Sally who was 21 and we had our first child. At that time I could not even hold a drink in my hand because I shook so much from my upbringing. We soon had two more kids. I struggled with my demons from my childhood and struggled as a parent. I would yell, smack and lose my temper over silly things that my children said or did.
The day that I flew into a rage and nearly hit my child was the day that I realized I was modelling my father’s rage and I knew that if I didn’t change I would lose my wife and children. I became conscious of my life as a child and my current life and began a process of change. The moment it dawned on me that my children’s behavior was a consequence of needs that I was not meeting my moment of awakening came.
My relationship with Sally is now the strongest that it has ever been and I have a great relationship with all three of my children. The change in my parenting has been transformational.
Not all of us are lucky enough to have positive life experiences and parenting does not come with a manual, we make it up as we go along. My passion is now to provide practical steps for parents, to follow so that they can become conscious parents that react in a calm, considered manner that reduces stress and allows them to have fun, rewarding and fulfilling time as a parent.
I have included six points that I learned as a father that are crucial if you want to have a fun, rewarding and lasting relationship with your kids.
1. Fathers need to realize that possessions are not as important as one-on-one time with their kids.
I know that my father felt that he was always a good father because he provided a home, secure life; my sister and I had everything we needed – so there was no problem.
My first point is that as fathers we feel the need to provide for our family, but you must realize that more than physical possessions your children want emotion support from you.
As a father do not focus on buying presents and fancy electronics, but instead focus on creating an emotional attachment with your children. Spend one-on-one time with them and time together as a family. Make time to really know your children and conversely let them get to know you.
If you spend quality time with your children when they are younger then you will on most occasions have fewer issues arise when your children become teenagers.
2. Fathers should not bring their baggage from their childhood to parenthood
It is important to realize that we all have “baggage” that we carry with us and some of it can hold us back from being the best person, partner or father that we can be.
For me, I jumped on our kids as soon as they did the slightest thing that I was unhappy about. I would yell, shout and smack all too often because that is what I was shown as a child. I would self-sabotage any situation that was going along really well because when I was growing up, the good times always become bad ones.
Think about what baggage you have brought to your parenting and how it is currently affecting yourself and your family.
3. Fathers must be aware of triggers that impact their parenting
Are they certain events or emotions that cause you to lose control with your children? These are commonly referred to as triggers and can create an irrational emotional response that most often your family will not understand.
Is it when you come home from work and the dinner is not ready or the house is a mess? Is it when your children do not keep their rooms clean? Is it when your next-door neighbor watches your every move when you are outside? Is it when you are working on the finances?
A trigger could be situations at work, travel to and from work, your neighbors, friends or family.
It is important for you as a father to recognize how triggers can have a negative impact on your parenting. I would suggest you keep a journal of all your parenting reactions for the week and notice if there are any trends that become apparent.
4. Fathers should know that it is not their role to control their children
The conventional approach to parenting is one that many fathers were raised in and as such has an adverse affect on their parenting. It was the one in which I was raised and includes statements like “Kids should be seen and not heard” or “do as I say not as I do”.
I have learned and now teach other fathers to realize it is an illusion to believe that you can control your kids and more to the point why would you want to?
Being a father is all about treating your children as individuals with respect and love. It is about communicating your needs as a father in a calm and thoughtful manner instead of demanding.
If shouting, demanding and the idea of changing your children to what you want is part of your current parenting model then you need to make some changes so that you can create a close, lasting relationship that I know you want with your children.
5. Fathers need to realize that there is a reason behind their children’s misbehavior
We often come into parenting with the idea, passed down from our parents that our children only misbehavior to cause disruption, to aggravate, push our buttons or simply because they are bad kids.
It is so important for fathers to realize that nothing could be further from the truth and that misbehavior in most instances is your children’s way of letting you know that they are emotionally unhappy at the moment.
It can take some training to realize the reason behind your child’s behavior and what they are trying to achieve, but once you do it will place a whole new perspective on how you react.
As a father you will be able to address the reason, for instance, your child may be craving some one-on-one time with you and as a consequence the misbehavior will reduce or become a non-issue without you having to take any action
6. Fathers need to change their behavior to affect change in their children.
I have heard from many fathers that it is their child’s fault and they must change their ways. When you are having a tough time at home with your children then this can often appear to be the case, but in actual fact you are the adult and it is your responsibility to change.
It is not realistic to believe that you can force change on your children. As a conscious parent you will begin to notice that if you change your behavior then you can affect change in your children.
If your teenager is constantly telling you that you are a terrible parent, that they do not love you, that they wished they lived with another family then you are most likely to verbally retaliate because you are hurt. Now if you took a different approach and when your teenager started you simply stated “I am sorry that you feel that way” and walk away without commenting any further then you will change the entire dynamic of the situation. No longer, is there any point in your teenager continuing since it is not producing the reaction they desire – you have affected change by changing your behavior.
Being a father is at times a difficult role when it is being balanced against work, financial commitments, being a partner and the many other roles that we undertake. Your day-to-day parenting and the relationships that you develop with your children will be significantly improved if you can learn to parent in a calm, thoughtful manner that reduces your stress and treats your children with the respect that they deserve.
Photo: Stephanski/Flickr
I love #1, 2, 3, and 4. It is kind of sad that a parents’ friends and co-workers knows more about a kds’ parents with regards to their past histories than the kids. Many kids don’t know about their parents’ histories with regards to the parents’ years as kids, young adults, work experience, cultural and ethnic background, etc. Too many parents who are middle management or upper management also treat their workers as if they were their kids and when the workers go on strike, management calls in the police to do the dirty work of disciplining the workers. Many… Read more »