When I was a boy, I did not have a man in my life to show me what it meant to be a man. In fact, the ones who showed me how to be a man were all women. As much as I loved them, they were no substitute for the father figure I was craving.
I quickly realized that there were no roadmaps for guidance. I carried the pain of that well into my thirties. I felt as if I paid a high price for low living.
Where there is an absence of a true man figure in a family, the children might be raised by the culture. Culture will instill trends. Culture will dictate values, moral and ethical decision-making processes, beliefs, and mindsets. Culture may indoctrinate with a bias that isn’t always healthy.
Not everything in culture is bad.
There are some redeeming qualities of culture. Men have their weight to bear and skeletons hiding in the closets. Yet, that is no excuse to be absent or distant from those who need you.
I had experienced all of these by the time I was four years old. Abandoned by a father who caused massive emotional and physical trauma. Raised by incredible women who did their best to raise a man. For years, I took my cues from culture. I found myself becoming more a reflection of who people wanted me to be instead of who I am.
There came a point where enough was enough. I was facing a crossroads. Do I continue down the path of toxicity and become what people expected, or do I commit to change and become the person I was meant to be?
This was one of the hardest decisions that I’ve had to make. The truth is that we love comfort. Change forces us out of our comfort zone. We fight incredibly hard to stay in our comfort zone. Thus, making the decision to change was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make. Honestly, this decision was one of the most pivotal decisions that defined my journey into manhood.
Some of the hardest challenges we face are pushing through the “what if” phases of our decisions. We tend to live in a fear-based “what if” instead of a faith-based or future-focused “what if.” We say, “what if I fail?” Instead, we should say, “What if this works?”
Oftentimes, we live in the fear of what could be instead of the joy of what will be. That fear is what cripples us from moving forward. That fear is what paralyzes us from making the hard decisions that will ultimately transform our lives.
It was at this moment — this crossroads — that I was faced with an incredible choice. One I believe that you have had to make, or are about to make. I had to decide if I was going to believe what culture said about a man or dive into a lifetime of personal development and discover what it really meant to be a man.
This is where the journey of personal development started for me. I wish I could say that I knew what I was doing back then, but in all reality, I was just doing whatever I could to learn and grow. This led me to join a church where I found a mentor. It led me to go back to college and receive a master’s degree in leadership.
Heck, I even joined the John Maxwell team to get around amazing men that I could learn from. My goal was to learn what it meant to be a healthy man.
Looking back over the last 20 years of this journey, I realized how far I have come. I have developed a passion for raising leaders and helping both men and women understand true leadership and what it means to be a healthy leader.
That is why I am going to give you two tips that will help you collapse time, create health, and raise you up to be the person you were meant to be.
1. Find a Mentor
Everyone needs a coach. In the world of leadership, mentors and coaches are terms that are interchangeable. However, I think the word mentor carries a powerful connotation. It is about finding someone who has done what you want to do and building a relationship with them.
This relationship gives the mentor the right and authority to speak into your life. The mentor is there to hold you accountable, help you cut negative and nasty things out of your life, and push you to be the best version of yourself.
Finding one isn’t as difficult as you think. My first mentor was discovered as I signed up for my college program. We met that day, started up a conversation, and over time he became my mentor. He had done what I wanted to do. He had become a version of himself I respected and wanted to emulate in my life. It was a great match. After 20 years, that relationship is still going strong.
Here are a few steps to help you find the right mentor for you:
(A.) Find someone who is doing what you are doing.
(B.) Start building a relationship with them. This can be done in a short time. You just have to be willing to be in their space. Take them to coffee or do a virtual coffee session. The point is to spend time building in-roads and bridges.
(C.) Don’t make the initial relationship awkward. I laugh at this one because I was “that” guy. I ran up to my friend and boldly exclaimed, “I need you to mentor me!” He laughed and kindly said, “How about we start with coffee.” The key is to be a real person looking to build a real relationship.
(D.) Commit to the long haul. Transformation takes time. This will not be a microwave process. Fall in love with the journey and be willing to commit to the process.
2. Be Present
Distraction is everywhere. To be a person of character and find the transformation you are looking for, you will want to kill distractions. I am not saying kill them 24/7, but to kill them when you are in the presence of someone that matters.
Be present with your kids, be present with your spouse, be present with your mentor. If you have a job, be present in your work. Or, if you are on an entrepreneurial journey, be present there.
The point is that you will not be able to learn what you need if you are distracted by something else. The people who matter won’t get what they need if you are not engaged. The business won’t grow if you are not present in it.
Being present is all about being focused on the here and now. It is about giving people the honor and respect they deserve by giving them 100% of your attention at the time. Being present is about showing them you care by fully showing up.
A distracted mind is a confused mind. A confused mind is a mind that is paralyzed by indecision. If you want to move forward, find transformation, and be the best version of yourself, and show up with presence and power.
One person living up to their full potential can create a ripple effect that transforms generations to come. Will you be that person?
Will you be the person who steps up, shows up, and steps out into your calling to impact a generation?
* * *
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Talk to you soon.
Photo Credit: @timbog80 on Unsplash