How can something as simple as patience completely change a man’s sex life?
My current partner and I live some distance apart, and we are not able to see each other more than a couple of times a month. The upshot of this is that, although I am in my sixties, and so in theory my testosterone levels, libido etc. are supposed to be in decline, I don’t see much evidence of that when we meet up after a period apart and head toward the bedroom together. For obvious reasons, I guess!
I had already learned that taking the time to go for a walk, share a meal, talk and generally reconnecting in an emotional way first, paid massive dividends when it came to the level of closeness and excitement we shared when we did get round to doing the wild thing.
A more recent discovery has taken my awareness of how sexual patience can pay off at a whole other level. My partner had previously mentioned from time to time that, much as she welcomed my physical enthusiasm for her, she’d be happy for things to slow down a little once we did get horizontal, and not just once the “act” had actually started. My massive new area of awareness has been in what we did, and the amount of time we spent doing it, between hitting the sheets, and actually having ‘intercourse’. Even though I wanted the pleasure of our encounters to be as mutual as possible, and did my best to slow myself down, when push came to shove (as it were) I never seemed able to resist for very long the urge to jump on top of her. With her consent, of course.
I wanted to change this pattern, and when I reflected on why I found that challenging, it dawned on me that my eagerness was not just because of my partner’s undoubted attractiveness to me, or my ‘sex drive’, but was also rooted in a hidden fear that, if I didn’t go with the flow and act on my physical and emotional feelings quickly, that wave of desire might pass and I’d be ‘exposed’ as less than the virile lover I still liked to think I was!
In fact, on the occasions that I did try holding back, there was often a change in my physical readiness for sex (one thing we men can never hide) as the pace of our lovemaking changed gear. This created a level of anxiety for me. I was violating one of the most fundamental elements of the sexual man code; i.e. to be ready, willing and able to physically ‘perform’ with my partner at all times. And these worries about ‘getting it up’ were spoiling what should have been the happiest of times
Admitting to these fears, firstly to myself and then to my partner, enabled me to step out of this ‘sex box’, and have chance to try a radically different attitude to ‘doing it’. My girlfriend and I had made a pact to share any issues or worries which came up between us. I knew from past experience just how destructive it could be to bury these kinds of feelings; like bodies hidden under the floorboards, they might be out of sight and out of mind for a while, but at some point they will start to make a bad smell, and may even explode! Even so, I had instinctively kept secret any worries about sex because, deep down, I feared that if I shared such things with my lover, she would see me as ‘less of a man’, and affect the mutual respect which, along with affection and attraction, I saw as one of the foundation stones of a good relationship.
When I did finally pluck up the courage to talk to her about it, I found out that actually she thought I was more of ‘a man’ for having had the courage, as she saw it, to share more of my vulnerabilities with her; she even said it turned her on! I realized that my worries about not being ‘respected’ or not conforming to preconceived ideas of ‘manliness’, were ghosts that only existed as long as I chose to believe in them. Even so, they were taking away my authentic power of living from my own truth, rather than trying to fit in to an idea from outside about how a man ‘should’ feel and act in bed.
I knew that I, and my partner, could have total confidence that she had enough manual dexterity and knowledge of the male anatomy (and if it seemed she didn’t, I was on hand, as it were, to give any guidance needed) to bring me to a condition of physical readiness when the time was right. Relaxing about this was also helped by the wonderful discovery I had made some time back, that it was not at all necessary to be fully, or even partially, erect to enter her; and if I started out, for whatever reason, with a ‘soft on’, as long as I wasn’t anxious about it a full Monty almost invariably followed shortly after. In other words, whatever happened to my body when we were making love, there was literally nothing to worry about.
It took a little time for my mind to fully open up to this reality, but as I did, I found that the prelude of physical and emotional intimacy before actual ‘penetration’ became as charged and erotic, as arousing and as sensual as anything else; a period of complete and utter delight for both of us. With no hidden fear in the back of my mind to get in the way, I began to experience, and could surrender to, a much deeper kind of connectedness with a mixture of exhilaration and trust
After a prolonged time of sharing what I’ll call ‘fluid sensuality’ with her, my co traveller on this sexual adventure gradually becomes as eager as I used to be, for us to move on to the next stage. I now enjoy the preceding closeness so much, wanting it to last for as long as possible, that sometimes she begs me to ‘please go inside her… NOW!’ As you can imagine, those words are music to my ears.
Never has the expression “It’s the journey, not the destination,” been more appropriate than in this context. There is so much more to see and enjoy sensually and sexually than I ever realized when I only had my mind on ‘arriving’. To use another metaphor: what I thought was the ‘starter’ has turned out to be the ‘main course’, and the main has become the ‘desert’; i.e. a sweet and perfect ending, but not necessarily as nourishing as what has now become the heart of the meal!