You love her. You care for her. And…you fear losing her. You fear losing her precisely because…… you love her and you care for her.
Whatever the reasons are, one thing is clear. You’re not free, in fear. No man is.
Typically, you don’t even know that you’re not free. But you feel it. Through an inner contraction, a bad mood, a grumpiness. It’s something you can’t fight. You try to punch through a dark cloud, to no avail. Moods destroy men.
So, you project it onto her. Blame her for it. You may even use all kinds of pejoratives to describe her. Mean words, however, are a lazy attempt to escape fear.
An exceptional man knows that escape is a child’s response. He takes fear head on, engaging it with more than mere brute force. He looks at himself, not just at her. Beneath layers of shame, denial, and deflection, he confronts his greatest vulnerability, his own worst nightmare.
He is not the man he wants to be.
- A powerful, loving man.
- A man unmired in failure.
- A man free of fear.
- A man without self-judgment.
- A man who has not abdicated from the woman he seeks to cherish and protect.
He is the man he resents. His father, an uncle, a bogeyman who abuses or avoids others. He is the man his mother hated. And no amount of alcohol, infidelity, drugs, violence, or porn will free him from the war going on inside of him. Inwardly he destroys himself, with poor mental health, emotional volatility, and bad moods. He is lost like a child. Fear works him over. He betrays his woman, through fear. Fear of losing her. Fear of speaking his truth. Fear of saying, I’m not happy with who I am. He knows that she cannot save him; his mother couldn’t.
But, no longer playing small, an exceptional man takes responsibility for who he has become. He makes friends with the enemy within. He reclaims the tenderness he reserved just for her, for himself, as well. He learns to love himself, as a way to love her.
He relates to fear as an ally, a Great Teacher. And no longer projects it onto her. He no longer gives himself away for her, when it comes to his deepest, most precious life truths, who he is, and his identity. No more does he say, “I don’t know, ask my wife who I am. She knows me better than I do.”
Old patterns dissolve. And coming home to himself, he speaks his truth. Because he knows his real fear is not losing her, but losing himself.
And so, he kindly, lovingly speaks his truth to her.
“I want to be a better man for you.”
“I want to spend more intimate time with you.”
“I want to alter the structure of our relationship.”
I was that man of fear for many years, in a twenty-year marriage. It’s a place where I hedged my bets. A place where I strategized. Say this, get that. Get this, say that.
I rarely spoke my truth. And when I did, it came out sideways. For fear of upsetting her. Then, one day, I was done hating myself for it and found the words I had to say to her were simple: “I’m done.”
I’m done in the current structure of our relationship. If there is another version of us, I am open to creating it with you.
Want to know more? Check out my book “Fixing You Is Killing Me” for the whole story.
To be clear, I did not take great strides and steps because I’m so brilliant; I was courageous. I was willing to get help and have my feet held to the fire by a phenomenal coach.
I was confronted with the inescapable reality that I often tried to squirm away from. And that reality was, that by not speaking my truth to her, I was betraying my wife and myself.
Is there a truth you’re not speaking to your partner?
Be the man she dreams of, the man with whom she knows where she stands. Step in now.
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