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What is the biggest challenge modern men face?
Some would ask, “Men have challenges?” Others would say “Men ARE a challenge.”
In all seriousness though, some would say it’s understanding racial and gender equality, while others would say, learning real emotional intelligence.
While the latter is definitely true, the real challenge that men face is moving through and overcoming the damaging stereotypes and stigmas which currently make up a large part of the foundation of masculinity.
Men are taught that their highest value is to protect, dominate and succeed at all cost. Creativity, expression and vulnerability, qualities which used to be seen as part of a healthy man, are now often looked down on.
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I have been fortunate enough to see masculinity from all sides, in all shapes and sizes and in many different forms. From the gravel pits of northern Alberta, to the Opera houses of Italy, and board rooms of corporate North America.
I remember being a child, about 10 years old, I went to a Catholic school in Alberta. My school had a tradition once a week where someone would come on the intercom every Friday morning, read out the morning prayer, and then someone from the choir would get on the intercom and sing the national anthem. It was a tradition I looked forward to every week. I loved music.
Every week the teacher would ask if anyone would like to volunteer to go sing the anthem over the intercom and every week I wanted to put my hand up, but found myself worried about what others might think of me.
Finally one day, after building up the courage all week, I decided it was my time. I marched up to the office on Friday morning before class started, waited at the front desk and announced, “Im going to sing the national anthem today.” The lady working at the desk looked at me, uncertain as to why I was so formal, and simply said, “OK.”
Then, it was my time. So with all the jazz and pop tones that I could produce, I sang the national anthem. It was a moment engraved in my memory.
Walking back to class confidently with my pride in tow I felt on top of the world.
Then it happened, the worst possible outcome. The 6th grade bully approached and said, “Was that you singing the anthem?” “Yes,” I said confidently.
Then, BAM, he punched me right in the gut. Gasping for air, I dropped to my knees, looked at him wondering why? He simply said, “Don’t be such a bitch” and walked away.
There it was, my first real taste of the biggest problem men face today: being taught that self-expression is NOT what a ‘real man’ does.
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The real problem isn’t the rise of the empowered woman. Feminism isn’t the death of masculinity, MACHOISM and the idea that ‘being an Alpha man’ needing to dominate others, this is the real killer.
Machismo is defined as, “a strong sense of masculine pride . . . [with] the supreme valuation of characteristics culturally associated with the masculine and a denigration or devaluation of characteristics associated with the feminine.”
Because of this, we have created a culture where we idolize masculine traits and devalue anything culturally associated with the feminine.
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A few years ago I came across a photo which would change my perspective on what it means to be an alpha male forever. In this photo you’ll see that at the front of the wolf pack are the old and sick wolves. They set the pace for the rest of the pack. Then come the 5 strongest, or Omega wolves, to protect from an ambush, then the bulk of the pack. At the very back is the alpha who controls everything from the rear in a position where he can see everything and decide the direction. In nature, lone wolves are outcasts because they are too dangerous to be a part of the pack, while real Alphas are leading and protecting the pack.
And yet we have associated the Lone Wolf with being a Macho or alpha man which has created what I call the ‘Man Mask.’ The man mask looks like this:
- A real man doesn’t cry
- Doesn’t openly express emotions, unless its anger and aggression.
- A real man doesn’t give empathy, he give retaliation. If you get hit, hit back twice as hard.
- You have to be tough, athletic, strong, while emotions are weaknesses to be avoided
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This isn’t to say that there are some amazing parts about men we should be celebrating, there are some really great parts. But there are a few things we miss the mark on.
For example:
Often young boys and young men are taught that being a man is all about dominating your own emotions.
We try to teach them emotional resiliency and what we end up imprinting on most young men is actually emotional suppression.
Emotional suppression sounds like this: Be strong, don’t cry, don’t be weak, don’t be so emotional. Don’t be such a . . . (girl).
In order to do this men are taught to bottle, suppress, and repress our emotions so that we can handle the challenges that they’ll face in every day life.
Emotional suppression creates a culture where men avoid emotion almost entirely. A culture where we stop talking about the truly important things in our lives, a culture where brotherhood and true companionship is discouraged while the lone wolf is idolized.
Emotional resilience however, allows for courage — experiencing our emotions and understanding why they are present.
What emotional resilience actually requires is for you to experience, articulate, express, and occasionally release them. The sad truth is that most boys and men are taught not to feel, to be emotionally suppressed.
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The real consequences of this emotional suppression and stereotypes of masculinity are this: According to the World Health Organization men worldwide are almost 4 times more likely to commit suicide than women — 4 times. This means that out of the nearly 800,000 people who commit suicide each year worldwide, nearly three quarters of them will be men, a rise of over 60% in the past 45 years (Resource: http://chartsbin.com/view/kv2).
In a recent study done in the UK, researchers found that more than 50% of men over the age of 25 couldn’t even identify a best friend, which researchers said was an indicator of isolation, depression, and suicide. This doesn’t even take into account the millions who will be killed in wars, fathers and sons who will be gunned down in neighbourhoods over senseless disputes because of emotional ineptitudes and over inflated egos. Not to mention the hundreds of thousands of women who are abused, raped, mutilated and killed worldwide because of a sense of misplaced superiority.
Imagine what would be possible if we didn’t buy into these stereotypes?
I fell into the trap of wearing the man mask for years, was isolated, cut off emotionally and silently suffered. Finally, I refused to buy into these stereotypes, and because of that, I was able to explore all sides of Masculinity. Which meant that I could learn how to do this — singing in my case. Because I broke free of the stereotypical man box, I was able to get a degree in music, sing all over the world, and start a organization called ManTalks which inspires men through mentorship to be better fathers, husbands, leaders, and business owners.
So where do we start? We start with you and me. We start with our sons.
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I remember working with a group of boys around the age of 12-14 through a mentorship program a few years back. I was speaking to them about art, creativity, and passion. Most of these boys came from broken homes while others were from ‘normal’ blue collar families. I had started out by singing for them. I sang, “pieta, rispetto, amore.” I explained what the words meant: “Honor, respect, love.” As soon as I had finished, one of the boys said, “Love is for girls, it makes you weak.”
“Why do you think that?” I asked. He looked away, shrugged his shoulders and said nothing.
“Love” I said, “is for men and women. It is one of life’s most beautiful gifts that we can experience in our lifetime. Love makes us stronger.” We moved on even though I felt as though there was something deeper. Then we ended for the day and all went our separate ways.
I came back the next day to see them again and while I was setting up, the boy who said ‘love is for girls’ walked up to me. “Hi,” he said. “Hi,” I said back. “I’m sorry I was mean yesterday. I didn’t mean what I said.” “Ok,” I said. “Why did you say it?” He paused, looked at me as if unsure he wanted to say what was about to come out of his mouth and then said, “My mom died a few months ago and it hurt so bad. Whenever I would cry my dad would just yell at me and say, ‘stop crying! Love hurts, deal with it like a man’.”
Here was an 11 year old boy standing in front of me, clearly not a man, but expected to understand how to act like one. He had been taught to suppress instead of feel. My heart was moved for the loss of this poor kid. I hugged him and he broke down. “Its ok,” I said. “Dealing with it like a man means feeling what is there, not ignoring it.”
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In summary, I leave you with this:
Guys, its time to build your brotherhoods (wolf packs?). Build the relationships where you talk about more than the surface level — beers, babes and sports. We need to create relationships where we can have what I refer to as: clear shot conversations. This means surrounding ourselves with the type of men who aren’t afraid to call us out, tell us straight up when we are out of line and out of integrity.
Ladies, we need your help. This is an open invitation for your support.
Support us in finding our strength within our vulnerabilities, for it is there where we can truly meet you.
And finally, Fathers: be the type of man you would be proud to see your daughter marry and the man your son deserves to be raised by so he can be part of the solution and not part of the problem.
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The wolf example is an internet meme, and false… http://www.snopes.com/wolf-pack-photo/