Break-ups suck.
When it’s your time to progress out of your relationship, re-entering the single world often feels like the last thing you want to do.
You may have initiated the break-up, too.
You may have wanted to be single over all other desires. This may have been the day you’ve been waiting for. But still, you’re faced with the idea of mourning and moving on from your now-ended relationship.
There is no right way or wrong way to grieve your relationship. If nights on the couch eating Ben and Jerry’s and watching romance movies, is your go-to, do you.
If getting on top of someone helps you get over someone else, do you, too. Or do them, as the case should be.
Moving on is one thing. But you don’t have to be an a**hole about it. You can take the high road. You can easily spare everyone’s feelings in the process. And effortlessly transition out of the relationship with your head held high.
Here’s how to.
Don’t seek revenge on your ex
Now you’re exes, you’re allowed to hate your former lover. If they’ve hurt you, humiliated you, or caused you physical, emotional or fiscal harm, you can hate them all you like.
And no doubt you will accompany this hate with another overwhelming desire; revenge.
I don’t need to tell you what revenge on a former looks like. There are so many ways you can make them feel as small and devastated as you feel.
From hooking up with someone they care about to throwing toilet paper all over their car, you can make their life miserable.
Here’s what I know about relationship revenge; it doesn’t fix anything for you.
It doesn’t:
- Bring the next person into your life any quicker
- Help you feel less lonely
- Help you emotionally resolve why you broke up
- Help you realise break-ups are part and parcel of life
- Erase what they’ve done to you
And, in the spirit of what this article is all about, revenge doesn’t leave you looking like a mature adult. In fact, you look childish — to your ex, their friends, yours and the people you love the most.
Don’t insist the friends choose a side in your break up
Friends are going to naturally migrate to a person’s side during a split.
Sometimes everyone goes in the direction you would guess. Then sometimes the blame shifts around unpredictably. And the people you think will be on your side disappear.
It’s hard to predict how people in your life will react to your break-up. In fact, there’s no point even trying. You have bigger fish to fry in your moving on process.
Asking people to take sides, however, is a recipe for disaster. You think it would help clarify your life and move on. Instead, it results in:
- People picking against you — As a general rule, people don’t like others pushing and shoving them around. They will gravitate towards the person who isn’t bossing them into action.
- People become frustrated with you — You’re making them choose, bringing attention and unnecessary drama to the situation. As we age, the less we buy into these antics and stand for them.
- People feeling like you have something to hide — The sceptics out there will question why you’re so insistent on them taking sides. It makes them wonder what you have to hide in your break-up that was so awful. Basically, what did you do so wrong that you need an army behind you?
Choose your parting words about the relationship wisely
Everyone wants to know what happened to cause you and your ex to split up. Despite those who claim they don’t, everyone does. It’s human nature to let our inquisitive minds wonder.
Eventually, you end up telling people about what happened. You design a brief yet informative statement that lets the general public know the gist of what happened. And why the split is final.
Compose this statement with care.
If you take the route of trashing your ex with every explanation, you seem bitter. And vengeful. This is like a PR exercise; what do you want the general public to take away from your story?
Don’t become trapped by their parting words. It’s easy to go for tit for tat when they unceremoniously mock you. Take the high road and keep it dignified.
By the way, if your ex did something so horrible to you, there is no need to cover for them. Taking the high road doesn’t mean lying or manipulating the truth. You can say what they did.
You can’t change the facts.
Take all the time you need to move on from your break-up
The mourning I mentioned earlier? Well, this is an understatement about how it feels to process and move on from an ended relationship.
Your entire life has been tipped on its head. What you know about life, routine and your place in the world is no longer true. In many ways, you have to relearn yourself.
This process takes time.
How long? It takes as much time as you need it to take.
There is no barometer for how long you’re meant to get over someone, despite what pop culture has led us to believe. If you need years to move on, before entering another relationship, take that time.
Remember, though, that other people will try to rush you through a break-up. They will want you to quit feeling sad and move on with someone else. Because being in a relationship is where they remember you at your happiest.
They will also assume you’re grieving when you’re not. Because you’re still single, it must mean you’re not over your ex.
Don’t let others rush you.
Seek therapy if you need someone impartial to speak to
Friends are great when the relationship implodes. But as we get older, you will probably notice everyone becomes more selfish with their time.
No, it’s not that we’re more selfish as a generation. We simply have more on our plates to deal with than ever before. Cue work, kids, relationships, and greater responsibilities.
It’s not that we don’t care. But unlike when we were young and free, we don’t have the time to devote to nursing people through a break-up.
That’s what therapy is for. And quite frankly, a therapist has a better perspective about break-ups than any of your loved ones do.
A therapist should be impartial, take your side, and help you reconcile your half of the break-up.
They don’t care about your ex or how they’re feeling. Our loved ones, as well-intentioned as they are, can worry about how both sides are doing. Whilst that’s a kind thing to do, it doesn’t help you.
A therapist sees life differently compared to our loved ones. They see life as a whole, rather than with a narrow romantic opinion.
Your loved ones often rely on their experiences to counsel you. If their experience isn’t aligned with yours, it’s easy for you to clash about how best to move on.
Keep it impartial. Pay for someone to listen to your worries. Your mind and soul deserve the investment.
Take leave for your mental health
As you recover from a break-up, it’s safe to say, in the beginning, you’re not exactly firing on all cylinders.
You might be someone who throws yourself into work when the going gets tough. But for many, distractions aren’t a reprieve.
If you are the latter, there is nothing wrong with taking leave from work to go on holiday, sort your personal arrangements out and centre yourself.
You don’t have to tell your work why you need to leave; a holiday you’re owed is a good enough reason to take some space.
If, you’re not convinced, think about the crowding situation. Those who know you’re in a relationship, and know you’re suddenly not, can put pressure on you to act and feel a certain way. Being around them every day can hinder your ability to move on.
Your colleagues might expect you to:
- Be more social when it’s the last thing you feel like doing
- Be more available for work obligations because there is no one waiting for you at home
- Watch your performance more closely because they know your home life might impact your work life
- Coddle you in ways you don’t need or that feel overbearing
In short, your workplace might be less of a distraction and more of a minefield for your recovery. If you have to step away from it to find balance, your career will benefit in the long run, too.
Don’t reset your life because of a break-up
Single life means new you, right?
Well, let’s not go running before we’ve crawled.
Now as you’re moving on is not the time to test your patience, work ethic, health or mindset. Now is the time you need your routines more than ever.
You need to rely on your healthy mind and body habits to sustain yourself when faltering is imminent.
This is when you will feel like acting the opposite of yourself. You may feel like:
- Binge eating to an excessive level, where it’s no longer bingeing but a complete overhaul of your diet
- Skipping workouts and essential exercises in favour of doing nothing
- Socialising with people who lead you down a destructive and unproductive path
- Taking up a hobby that you’re ill-equipped for
- Make considerable spending habits you can’t sustain in the long run
- Moving away from friends and family
It can be tempting to overhaul everything you know in favour of a new life. I can see the appeal.
And I’ve been there myself. But it’s easy to fall into this trap thinking a new life means completely ditching who you are and what helps you.
It’s wonderful to keep doing the things that bolster you, or wanting to better yourself after a break-up.
But it’s another to begin a journey where you lose yourself further. It’s when you find your break-up has taken over your life, an event no one ever wants.
Don’t let the break-up win. Let happiness win.
That’s the mature thing to do.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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