I had a deep talk with my co-workers over lunch today. It changed the way I see online dating in general.
These girls I work with are single and highly active on the dating apps, both Tinder and Bumble. Nothing has worked out for them yet, but I’m also glad they aren’t desperate.
People romanticize the idea of online dating so much that they forget why they are there in the first place. Their intention has become unclear over time, and most of them end up losing themselves.
Don’t let it be you.
Even when you’re 100% prepared to go into online dating, there’s a high chance you’ll meet jerks. So imagine jumping into it without knowing a single thing — so much time will be wasted.
What did you sign up for?
“It is the dim haze of mystery that adds enchantment to pursuit.” — Antoine Rivarol
I bumped into a random Reels video on Instagram where a girl stated that the online dating recently is like this; you either waste a week of your time (because that person is ghosting you) or 6 months (you’re stuck in the situationship).
While it happens in most cases, we need to stop normalizing it. It doesn’t feel good being on dating apps assuming people will ghost or treat you like you don’t matter.
You have that power in the first place — never forget that.
Know all the ups and downsides of online dating from the get-go. Look, you don’t have to jump in there just to see “how bad is it” and then complain about it.
If you care enough to listen to others’ stories and their experiences in online dating, you’ll then notice they all have the same patterns.
The behavior of those bad people doesn’t change much.
So get your intention straight from the beginning; what do you want to get from this dating app you just signed up for?
Once it’s all clear, it’d be so much easier for you to filter out the junks (people who aren’t worth your time and energy).
It’s okay if you don’t get a good match
The worst thing you could do to yourself while being on dating apps is to try too hard to find the “right” person. Nothing comes good from a state of desperation.
Let me elaborate on that part.
Whenever I had a talk with someone who had spent enough time on Tinder or Bumble (or any other dating apps, really), most of them would complain about this sick feeling of getting to know a new person over and over again.
When you’re new, it can be the most exciting thing, and you look forward to that match replying back to your basic questions.
But after a year or so of being on the app, it gets mentally draining. You can’t keep up with those “hi” and proceed to get to know each other again from scratch.
And there are two routes that people usually take; they leave the app and swear off they’ll never use it again, or they stay but lower their standards.
Lowering their standards here means they just take whatever comes their way. If one person ghosted them but then came back a week later, they’d still take them back.
And that second route is the worst thing you could do to yourself.
I wish more people knew that online dating is way more than that. It should be a place where you have fun, find the things you need in a partner and still prioritize what matters to you.
If it doesn’t work out and you don’t get a good match — it’s okay.
You don’t have to beat yourself up to it.
Going back to the old way of dating
Most single people at my work are or have been on dating apps at some point. And they admit when it feels mentally draining, they choose to reunite with their old matches — instead of keep looking for the new ones.
Of course, it’s not recommended to go back to that one person who treats you badly. But sometimes, you miss out on the good ones because you were busy shooting for the “one”.
And if they’re keen to rekindle the connection, I don’t see anything wrong with it. Plus, it’s easier for both of you because you don’t have to start all over again.
Some people just don’t have the mental capacity to do that anymore.
So try to rewind and see if there’s anything you can work out. You never know. After all, life is a mystery and forever full of surprises.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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