Women’s emotional moods can be a minefield and withdrawing feels easier. Engaging in these moments may feel risky, but it is the most important thing you can do.
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I don’t love baseball. I know it’s totally un-American, but it is true. However, that being said, baseball offers one of the best analogies for building a great relationship. After 32 years of marriage, plus 20 years of counseling and coaching couples, I found one thing that every woman wants from her man. And it is relatively simple to give her!
Women want men to TRY–to step up to the plate and take a swing–in all things relationship. Yoda was wrong. There is always a try, in fact, “Try” is one of the secrets to a strong marriage.
Every man I know has an aversion to “trying and failing.”
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Here is the rub, though, men have little to no interest in trying if they aren’t pretty darn sure they will succeed or get “it” right. Men will jump in when there’s a good chance of success. Just think about how quickly men go into fix it mode and respond with, “I’ve got this.” “Here is what you need to do.” These responses come naturally and rapidly.
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Every man I know has an aversion to “trying and failing.” They often say, “What’s the point, why try if I am not going to get it right?”
But TRY is THE secret to a stronger relationship.
Even if you get it wrong. Try. Even if you aren’t sure exactly what to do. Try something.
Be like the baseball player, who bravely stands in the batter’s box, uncertain of the pitch coming his way–unsure if he will hit a foul ball, connect for a double, or knock it out of the park–but committed to being in the game. Women love when men try. Whenever you willingly “step up to the plate” and engage, in spite of your doubts, you communicate your love.
Often when men first hear this analogy, they admit the fear of getting it wrong, of striking out, leads them to simply avoid the ballpark. Many of my male clients ask in utter disbelief, “You mean I can get credit for just stepping up to the plate and taking a swing? I don’t have to get it right or know the perfect way to handle the situation?”
“Yes!” I reply. “The fact that you are willing to try matters more than the actual outcome!”
Everyone wants to hit a home run, at the ballpark and in life. In a relationship, this would be “getting it right.” The right response, when she is crying or upset with you, or mad at your mom, or frustrated with the kids, or feeling fat. Women’s emotional moods can be a minefield and withdrawing feels easier. Engaging in these moments is risky, but it is the most important thing you can do!
I know it is scary. And unfortunately, you will most likely get feedback on your stance, swing, and the way you are holding the bat! Also known as her critiquing your efforts. Hang in there, men! Share the thoughts behind your actions and remind her that you are trying. Over time, she will see and appreciate your efforts. (Attn. Women: when your man steps up to the metaphorical plate and takes a swing–do not offer constructive criticism. Nothing shuts him down faster. Instead, appreciate his bravery!)
It seems foolish to willingly pick up the bat when you are likely to swing and miss or hit a foul ball. Staying on the bench seems safer, but then your wife feels alone. She wants you to engage. She wants you to TRY. This ONE thing has improved countless marriages!
For example, Bob and Sally, former clients, often argued about money, bill paying and debt. Bob avoided discussing money issues while Sally worried and checked the bank balance daily. Sally nagged Bob about the paying bills and dealing with debt. Bob handled the pressure he felt from Sally by withdrawing.
The more Bob withdrew, the harder Sally pushed.
The harder Sally pushed, the more Bob withdrew.
During one session, we discussed the baseball analogy and how it applied to their situation. Bob admitted he was not just warming the bench, but avoiding the ballpark all together! Sally acknowledged how her words and actions communicated that Bob failed in the money department. Sally said, “I just want you to be involved in our money issues. You don’t have to fix it, but please just help me!”
While it was easier to avoid their money problems, especially when Sally critiqued the way he handled things, Bob committed to trying. Sally agreed to support and not criticize Bob’s efforts.
Bob felt empowered for the first time, and asked Sally for patience and understanding, as he was bound to hit a foul ball or strike out sometimes. Sally felt permission to let go; she was relieved and grateful to no longer feel alone.
Bob stepped up to the plate by organizing the bills, working on a budget, and initiating weekly money discussions with Sally. Bob also scheduled a time each month when he and Sally would pay the bills and look over the budget together.
With every couple I’ve coached and even in my marriage, the baseball analogy offers a way to understand.
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Bob’s willingness to take responsibility for the bills and no longer avoid money issues, reassured Sally. Sally worked hard to not offer any critiques or tell Bob how she thought he should handle things. Encouraged by Sally’s willingness to accept and appreciate his efforts, Bob felt emboldened to try more.
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While this didn’t solve all their money issues, it did help Bob and Sally reconnect and strengthened their marriage. They began to use the baseball analogy in other areas where Sally wanted Bob to engage and TRY!
Yoda was wrong. There is always a TRY! With every couple I’ve coached and even in my marriage, the baseball analogy offers a way to understand the struggle and communicate about difficult issues. Men can simply say, “I’m stepping up to the plate.” And your wife will knows that you just put your heart on the line; you are willing to try because you loves her and don’t want her to feel alone.
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Photo: Flickr/ Kristof Magyar
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Good article. I believe that just as men are brought up to close off and not deal with emotions, women are brought up to surrender to emotions. In my opinion, both of these are not 100% healthy. We often discuss the closed-off male here, and that’s good. But, like in most issues, there’s the other side of the coin. Unfortunately, the mere mention of the subject is demonized as “gaslighting” by the feminist crowd. Is it so wrong to suggest that, yes, women do tend toward emotional excess–not all of them, all the time–but when you’ve been brought up under… Read more »
Oh I agree with you Paul. Men do shut down because they have been criticized, attacked, blamed and just plain old unappreciated for their efforts. And THAT is a GREAT reason to avoid the ball park all together. I think women are major culprits in this situation. I have been one myself with my husband at different points in our 32 year marriage. This lesson was as much for me as it was for him. Honestly, my “feedback” aka criticism or complaint contributed to his choices to avoid or shut down – and I don’t blame him. That being said,… Read more »
Susie, I can certainly appreciate you trying to give advice to men and also writing your article. Now let’s see you put the shoe on the other foot and write an article about how a woman should treat their man and respect their mans wants as well. It’s one thing to coach it in a private room but go ahead and put it out there in a published article. Just because women want to share their feelings all the time doesn’t make it right all the time. Men are more conservative with her feelings but you’re making it feel as… Read more »
Good thoughts and questions John. Going to think on it for a bit and then reply. Thanks for your commnet
Men often stop trying to keep the ball once they know they have caught the ball! The moment they realize (before its too late) that they can drop the ball, they’ll try to keep it.
I have been with same woman for 23 years and I get up every day and step up to the plate. But Richard is correct; when the goal line keeps getting moved or the rules change in the middle of the game or if you are blamed for just not getting it right, when is it the other person’s issue and not yours? Where in your analogy does the woman get up to the plate? And when my expectations don’t change in the middle of the task or issue, when she does not have to guess what I want but… Read more »
Ruben, Thanks for your comment. Congrats on 23 years and stepping up to the plate everyday!! I have been married 32 years and it isn’t easy. You and Richard are right when it comes to being frustrated when targets move and goals change. That is why I strongly advise and coach women NOT to criticize, critique the efforts of their spouse and NOT to change, move the target or goal. Doing this results in a clear message to men that their efforts are futile, so why bother. The point of the baseball analogy is to communicate that women long for… Read more »
I don’t know,
But in my experience, it usually IS worse to try, get it backwards, and fail.
Trying is better that walking away and doing nothing at all. Trying means that you actually care enough about the feelings of the woman in your life to actually take action and make her – or the situation – better. Think of it this way: if the shoe was on the other foot, would the man like it if he was ‘having a moment’ (for whatever reason) and his significant other did nothing (withdrew). The perception would be that she doesn’t care. Granted, men and women handle things differently, but in the end, we’re all human an want to know… Read more »
Richard,
While I don’t have vast knowledge of baseball, I do believe the analogy fits. Women want men to engage and step up to the plate and take a swing- the effort matters and communicates care-often regardless of the outcome. I am not saying it always works, but this analogy has helped 1000’s of couples and clients I work with and speak to at events. I have heard countless men express relief that they don’t have to get it right – and that engaging IS powerful -especially when the pressure to hit it out of the park is gone.
To follow the baseball analogy:
You hit to deep center, the center fielder makes a great catch. Okay. All fair, that’s the way things work out. Part of the game.
You get a perfect swing, catch the ball on the sweet spot and drive it into the twentieth row. As you’re trotting around the bases, you note the opposing team is huddling with the umps. Then they announce, “You’re out.”
Forget trying any more.
Let’s be sure we’re using the baseball analogy correctly and applying it to the real world.