Imagine for a moment the ideal male superhero. He has great hair, is physically strong, shoots lasers from his fingers, and hides away his “mortal” identity for fear of being found out.
That’s not a lot different from how most men are taught to live. The societal ideal for males from my generation (X) was to “suck it up” and move on, reinforced by our fathers who had endured hardship in their early lives. Their fathers struggled after enduring the Second World War and the Great Depression — so yeah, I get it. Gen X had it relatively easy in comparison. We were supposed to be stoic like a comic hero in the face of adversity, because everyone before us was, even when facing bigger world events.
If you haven’t guessed yet, the “thing” men fear the most is showing weakness. To be fair, there are some evolutionary functions of hiding weakness: it’s a function of survival in the animal kingdom that likely dates back to prehistoric times. There’s even a “grimace scale” to recognize pain in rabbits — but even they try to avoid showing illness or pain lest be singled out by predators.
This is no different from humans. Kids try to act tough to avoid being bullied and to be accepted by the cool crowd. Adults hobble through hardship so they can remain in good jobs.
But there’s more, and it’s mostly centered on men’s behavior. As a recent example, wearing a mask during a pandemic is often seen by men as a sign of weakness. The anti-maskers espouse how it’s infringing on their freedoms, but in my opinion what it’s really about is worrying they will look weak to their peers, which terrifies them on many levels. No one is going to tell me what to do, they say, because they think being a “follower” is weak — even when it’s the smarter choice to make.
Buried in this attitude is a belief they will never need any help themselves, or that those who need assistance should just “man up.”
This fear of weakness can also of course be seen in politics. Those male leaders who appear “tough,” whether they are doing the right thing for their countries or not, are often celebrated by men who value their masculinity above all else. The supporters of these leaders also often paint those who lean towards socialist policies as weak-kneed “snowflakes,” as if helping others who need it is somehow weak. And let’s not get started about a certain leader that insulted his own country’s fallen soldiers.
Men Remaining Silent When They Shouldn’t
Men also seem less likely to talk about an illness, as some perceive it will make them appear vulnerable. While hiding “vulnerability” might’ve served a purpose when our ancient ancestors went out to hunt, it probably does more harm than good now.
Meanwhile, I see social media posts frequently from women who are opening up about a mental health challenge or admitting they are overwhelmed.
They don’t seem as afraid to share details of an illness or another hardship — at least in my feeds — and other women pile on comments of appreciation for their honesty, many saying how they can relate. Men? Not so much. You see a post here and there, but it’s nothing close to what I’ve seen from the female crowd.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with avoiding going “public” about a personal challenge. However, the attitude that admitting problems is a sign of weakness needs to go. This lack of opening up — either publicly or to close friends — leads men to fight more private battles. It means that sometimes men don’t admit a health problem until they’re in crisis. But reaching out can create a network of support while also connecting people with professional resources if required, which is a positive.
Redefining What a ‘Strong Male’ Is
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a physically and emotionally strong man who can be relied on by their friends and family. After all, we men don’t want to feel like a burden — we want to be the ones who help, who get things done, who defend those we love. For some men, appearing strong is also regarded as the best way to attract a partner — and while there’s still an “alpha male” appeal, not everyone falls for the guys who can beat their chests the hardest. Instead, some people are drawn to so-called “beta males” who are more in touch with their emotions (and presumably their weaknesses and fears.)
I have definitely never been an “alpha male,” although I have hit the gym many times in an effort to beef up so I could at least look tougher. My programming still tells me that since I’m a man, I need to be able to lift heavy things and keep working even if I’m bleeding. Some men think we won’t get any respect or appreciation if we’re less than powerful, and that’s simply not true.
As Psychology Today explains, being “vulnerable” should not be seen as weakness, but instead “openness.” It says acting strong is not a representation of who you really are. It argues that covering up our weaknesses to gain approval is the real weakness. (I should also note the article not only applies to men but to people in general.)
My wife and I will try to teach our son to be strong, but in different ways. That means using his brain to solve problems, instead of fists or weapons. But mostly, we will work on deprogramming him from the male legacy of hiding problems, and instead, let him find strength from opening up.
Admittedly, this approach pushes against my ideals a bit because I still have the automatic c’mon, get on with it attitude, but I also know this thinking can lead down a road of needless suffering.
You can still play the superhero role if you want (even if you don’t have great hair.) After all, it feels good to conquer challenges and face down adversaries. But ask yourself this, gentlemen: how will ignoring your weaknesses help you become a stronger person, and how will it help those you’re trying to give strength to?
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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