Here’s a hint; marriages do not last when the love is based on looks and hot sex.
—
The odds of your marriage lasting for the long haul are stacked against you. The percentage of marriages ending in divorce fluctuates depending on how you do the math. But regardless of how the numbers are crunched, the odds of your marriage lasting for over 40 years are not encouraging.
Definitions are important. When you say, “I love my wife” pause and think of what you mean. |
When I tell people I’ve been married for over 40 years the reaction is interesting. I’ve had people applaud. Others are shocked. I’ve even had a person reach out and shake my hand; congratulating me as though I had won the million dollar lottery.
It takes hard work to make a marriage last. But there are two hacks which will help your marriage last more than 40 years.
First, discover and embrace the appropriate definition of love.
Think of how you use the word love. Have you ever said, “I love ice cream?” Do you love science fiction? Is it your nature to love sunsets? Are you in love with your dog?
Definitions are important. When you say, “I love my wife” pause and think of what you mean. Are you saying she’s is hot and turns you on? Did St. Valentine shoot you in the heart with a love arrow and sprinkle magic love dust in your face causing you to lose control? Have you ever said, “I fell in love?”
Here’s the danger of viewing love as an emotional force over which you are powerless. If you fell into love you can fall out of love. If the love dust fell on you it can wear off. If you entered into marriage with a “I can’t help myself” mentality you are headed for trouble.
The ancient Greek language clarifies the various meanings of the word love. Greek has three words for love. One refers to a brotherly kind of love. Another focuses on a sexual or physical attraction. The last Greek word emphasizes a love based on an act of the will.
If your marriage is going to last, the love for your partner must be based on an act of the will. Marriages do not last when the love is based on looks and hot sex. Those will fade. A lasting love is a love rooted in a decisive act of the will. This kind of love says, “I choose to love no matter what the circumstances.”
The second hack for staying married for over 40 years is based on a simple but powerful concept.
Not long ago I flew from Spokane to Minneapolis. Seated next to me was a young man traveling to see his sweetheart. He planned to propose during the visit. When he discovered I had been married for 40 years he asked if I had any advice. I told him his marriage will last if he always shows her respect.
Respecting your partner means you value her thoughts, feelings, opinions, and ideas.
|
If you want a lasting marriage, never lose respect for your partner. Aretha Franklin made it clear as she sang R-E-S-P-E-C-T that if she didn’t get it, “you might walk in and find out I’m gone.”
Respecting your partner means you value her thoughts, feelings, opinions, and ideas. Listen to her carefully. Ask for her input. Be interested in her job and how her day went. Go out of your way to treat her in a thoughtful and courteous way.
Always show her respect while in public. Have you ever been with a couple where a husband puts his wife down in front of you? He’s critical and makes fun of her. His attitude sends the message she is stupid. He cuts her off while talking and argues with her.
It’s also important to show respect when it’s only the two of you. Don’t be demeaning or call her names. Communicating in private with your wife is the time to have deep and important conversations. It’s not the time to be disrespectful. Your marriage will suffer if you treat her disrespectfully even when she is the only one looking.
A husband who treats his partner with disrespect is pushing the marriage toward the rocks.
If you’ve treated your partner with disrespect you will need to repair the damage. Do everything possible to change your behavior. It will take time and effort but the damage can be undone.
You can remain married for many years if you use these two hacks. Make sure your love for her is rooted in a decisive act of the will and always show respect. I’ve field tested these two hacks over 40 years. They worked for me and they will work for you.
Would you like to help us shatter stereotypes about men?
Receive stories from The Good Men Project, delivered to your inbox daily or weekly.
—
Photo: Getty Images
Don’t know why only respect for her and not for him?? Or you mean to say respect for him doesn’t affect the marriages?
Great article. The respect part is so important. I thought a lot about my definition of love before I got married. I believe the true test of love is whether you are a better person for it, and do you bring out the better person in your partner. Then you know you’re on the right track!
I appreciate your take on defining love, especially the three Greek meanings. Marriage ideally includes all three types – friendship love, sexual love and committed love. But the third, the love says, “I choose you no matter what”, that is awesome and the only one strong enough to stand as a foundation for a lifetime. Thanks for the good word!
Steve
http://www.spousedates.com
Yes, marriage does include all three! Thanks for the reminder.
Randy
http://www.randallhartman.com
Good article, but I thought it ended too soon, what about the teaser of “why shouldn’t hot sex be part of a forty year solution? “
Eric, that’s a great question. And if hot sex is part of the marital equation then wonderful! But as we age there are often physical limitations which can hamper the sexual relationship part of the marriage. What then? I see the hot sex part as a terrific benefit of the relationship but my view is that it is not the glue which holds the relationship together. Your question sounds like a great article for someone else to write!
So true Randy! Excellent article! Thank you for your time-tested words of wisdom!
Thanks Garry. On my website, randallhartman.com, I focus on trying to help people make the rest of their lives the best possible. Thanks for reading.