Steven Lake shows us the surprising power of pain to strengthen your relationship – if you survive it.
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Pain. Hate it with a passion, even though it has been in my life, on a more or less consistent basis, since I can remember. There are many kinds of pain to be endured. Emotional pain, physical pain, and psychic or spiritual pain.
In this article I am going to stick with simple physical pain and discuss how it has made my relationship stronger. Who would have guessed that pain would bring my wife and I together in ways we could never have imagined?
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One of the fundamental attributes of living organisms is that they move away from pain and towards pleasure. So how is it that pain can strengthen a relationship? But before I get into that story, here is a cautionary note. Pain can just as easily destroy a relationship as strengthen it.
Pain is the great equalizer (other than death).
Pain affects our partners in many ways. And this is where pain and relationship begin a dance that most of us were not taught growing up.
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Everyone has had pain in their lives. It may be small or great, for a short time or chronic, but we all have experienced it. Some people manage pain well and others don’t. Some of us complain about it (me) and others grit their teeth and bear it (my wife).
Some of us are worn down by pain, become depressed by it, become addicted because of it, and others transmute pain into pleasure. One of my clients with chronic pain has managed to turn her pain into sexual pleasure.
Pain affects our partners in many ways. And this is where pain and relationship begin a dance that most of us were not taught growing up. Yet, if pain and its effects can be acknowledged, the relationship stands a better chance of succeeding than if it is ignored or creates an environment of helplessness.
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How does my pain affect my partner? Let’s ask. “Depending on what form it takes, when it is from something stupid you have done I am a bit annoyed. If it is psychological pain from work or you are grumpy and not letting go of something – sometimes I just watch you go through it. When it was kidney stones I felt helpless and scared. Once I knew what they were about I did not feel scared anymore. When you eat food that creates pain, I feel compassion and try to help, and hope you learn not to do what causes it again.”
My partner handles pain differently than I do. Often, it takes me a while to realize she is in pain as she is the quiet type and doesn’t complain. I have learned over the years to realize she is in pain by the subtle change of facial expression and a certain remoteness that descends like a heavy cloak and wraps itself around her. When I see my partner in pain I:
- Flinch
- Worry if it goes on for some time
- Try to alleviate and help her get rid of it
- Go into care-taker mode on long-term issues and lifeguard mode in emergencies. I used to be a lifeguard and have seen some nasty accidents. In those situations I go into a professional, semi-detached mode while making an assessment of the situation and then taking action to reduce further injury/pain, stabilize the person, and get help.
Most of these are examples of the little pains in life like sore muscles, cuts, the sprained ankles. Some are more chronic in nature like sciatica, asthma, back pain, and kidney stones.
Fortunately, my wife was there to pick me off the floor, get me dressed, and take me to the hospital.
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When I had my first kidney stone attack, I ended up on my hands and knees retching and wondering what was happening to me. I wasn’t aware of any pain at first. My body just reacted . . . then I felt the pain. Holy shit, that was intense.
Fortunately, my wife was there to pick me off the floor, get me dressed, and take me to the hospital. In that moment, I knew there was someone by my side to take care of me and look out for my best interests. I could relax knowing that all I had to deal with was the pain itself.
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But how does pain strengthen a relationship? It does so by bringing you closer. It brings you closer physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
When my partner has cuts, bruises, sore muscles or aching joints, I get to touch her. Whether cleaning out a wound, putting on a Band-Aid, massaging or wrapping her ankle in a tensor bandage, I am showing care, attention, and love through these actions. I benefit too, becoming aware of how much this person means to me as I take care of her. It becomes a two way process with both of us receiving through the giving.
When my partner is in pain, the quality of my touch changes. I am much more sensitive to how my touch affects her. Where is the sore point? What makes her feel better? In a sense, I become more attuned to her state and needs. Touch becomes a vehicle for more connection both literally and emotionally.
When chance, lifestyle, or genetics strike, we now have to deal with a new reality – one that includes pain.
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Emotionally, I become in touch with my partner’s state of mind and physical health through my concern and love.
When we first start going out with someone who is healthy, or relatively so, we take it for granted that they will stay this way. Accidents and sickness happen and, even though we know life can change, we are often surprised when it does.
When chance, lifestyle, or genetics strike, we now have to deal with a new reality – one that includes pain. This can be upsetting to say the least, both for the person in pain and for their partner. I think watching my wife in pain is more emotionally upsetting than when I am dealing with my pain. Ah, the joys of loving someone.
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Keeping your heart open and staying in a state of empathy is challenged the longer your partner is in pain. Over time there is a tendency to become tired with the emotional stress from dealing with pain, for both parties. This is where having a strategy for pain management is critical.
Having a strong religious or spiritual orientation will help you during the long nights when your patience and forbearance are being tested to the max. If you don’t have an unassailable belief to carry you through this trial by fire, the relationship won’t survive.
If, on the other hand you can survive this ordeal, your relationship will, like steel that has been heated and cooled, beaten and folded many times, become stronger and more flexible for having undergone this process.
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I wish pain on no man or woman, yet, we will all experience pain as we move through life. When it happens to you, or your partner, it is best to take a big breath and fall into your love for each other.
In that well, there is a strength and power that can only be known when you fall deep into the unknown. In that place is the power to bring you and your partner to a deeper and fuller understanding of the other. And in so doing, you discover the power of pain to strengthen your relationship and with it, find everlasting love.
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Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
Thank you so much for your insight. I met my partner 4 months ago and for the past 3 months he has been dealing with pain and I am overwhelmed. Surgery on his knee went well, but a genetic history of kidney stones appeared one week after the knee surgery. Apparently, because he was not given enough fluids. Then the kidney stone attack…brutal. 911 and surgery with laser blasting and a stent. Then 3 weeks of pain he attributed to the stent until the pain became insanely unbearable and I called 911 again. All these weeks of pain were because… Read more »
You do not love him and should leave immediately. Don’t stay out of pity or obligation. That will only hurt him more. True love is accepting, dealing with, and helping through trial and tribulation. If you can’t do that, then go away.