Are cultural values and parental pride robbing a generation of their confidence, even emotional stability?
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Why do Indian kids win spelling bees?
Intelligence? Sure.
Hard work? Yes.
A culture that values education? Yup.
But what is the real reason Indian kids dominate the National Spelling Bee?
Parental pressure and demands, fueled by the social pressure for success.
When we watch Indian kids celebrating on stage and giving media interviews after winning national competitions, we don’t see the real cost behind this success. Many Indian children – those who don’t win or even participate in this contest – constantly feel inadequate, incompetent and insufficient.
See, throughout my life, I’ve felt like a failure.
Yes, I spoke at my high school graduation as the keynote speaker. Yes, I attended one of the top ten public universities in California and yes, I picked up a law degree after that, but here’s what I know to be true.
I grew up in a northern California suburb filled with the children of Indian doctors and computer engineers. No matter how well I did in school or what I achieved, there were kids who continually outperformed and outdid whatever it was I had done.
High school seemed like a constant battle to win top grades, top awards and the hearts of my parents – and by that, I mean to win top scholarships that would pay for college.
The intense emotional and psychological pressure to achieve and compete with other children for our parents’ pride was highly damaging.
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Like earlier Asian immigrants to the States, the Indian immigrants of today value education and academics. The only things they value a little more than that are their personal reputations in the community and the social recognition they achieve when their children do well academically.
We children are the unspoken victims of a culture that prides itself on producing valedictorians, winning academic competitions and achieving Ivy League admissions.
Sure, as a community and a culture, we should be proud of our accomplishments. But I, and many of the Indian kids I grew up with, have become emotional and psychological wrecks.
We could never measure up to our parents’ expectations, which continued to elevate with each new achievement by our peers. A great college wasn’t enough when so-and-so’s kid got into Stanford. Winning your school’s spelling bee wasn’t enough when so-and-so’s son won the national one. A partial academic scholarship didn’t suffice when so-and-so got a full-ride scholarship.
The intense emotional and psychological pressure to achieve and compete with other children for our parents’ pride was highly damaging.
No matter what success you achieve, it’s never enough.
And your whole life after high school and college, you continue the overachieving, people-pleasing, perfectionistic ways that your parents drummed into you during your formative years.
The problem with Indian kids winning spelling bees is that it crushes the self-worth of a majority of kids in the Indian community.
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Our parents intended the best for us, but did they unintentionally create adults who are lack confidence, who are never happy with their achievements, and who are perpetually comparing themselves to others?
Our parents achieved their purpose – giving us the absolute best education possible in America. But in the process did they rob us of our happiness, our dignity and our self-acceptance?
If we were never enough in their eyes, how can we ever be enough to ourselves?
Today, when I see Vanya and Gokul on the stage of the National Spelling Bee with confetti all around them, surrounded by proud parents and giant trophies, I’m happy for them and all the hard work they’ve done.
But who I’m really saddened for are the thousands upon thousands of Indian kids who didn’t win or even participate.
The ones whose parents will open the morning newspaper and casually comment, “Oh look, who won the National Spelling Bee? I wonder how hard they must have worked to achieve this. I wonder how proud their parents must be.”
The problem with Indian kids winning spelling bees is that it crushes the self-worth of a majority of kids in the Indian community. It perpetuates the idea that to be “good” or “enough” in your parents’ eyes, you too must achieve something as big as winning a national contest.
The other [route] will lead to a positive self-image and happy children who live their values and stay true to themselves.
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Good grades and a respectful attitude aren’t going to cut it – you must bring home a trophy, give interviews to the paper or appear on the evening news.
My message is for those Indian parents who are pushing their kids to win spelling bees, geography bees, math bees and every other kind of buzzing contest out there.
Indian parents, especially all the “bee fathers” and “bee mothers” out there, listen up:
- Let your children be children.
- Love your kids and support them in whatever they choose to do with their lives.
- Unless they wake up one morning and come to you with the news that their dream is to be a spelling bee champion, do not allow them to enter a spelling bee contest!
- Do not force them to enter any contest that they would not choose to enter on their own.
- Do not compare your children to other children in the Indian community.
- Do not downplay your children’s achievements by putting them in the context of those that other Indian kids in the community have achieved.
- Do not base your own happiness on how well your kids do academically or what professional courses they pursue.
- While we’re at it, don’t suffer a slow death if your child doesn’t go to medical school!
Let’s step back and have a look at what’s really at stake here.
Yes, your kids can compete in a spelling bee and win it after years of practice. They will win scholarship money, become the talk of the town and have a trophy they’ll treasure for life.
Alternatively, you can love your children, tell them you accept them and that you approve of them no matter what they do with their lives, and support them in whatever decisions they make.
One route will lead to newspaper coverage and scholarship money.
The other will lead to a positive self-image and happy children who live their values and stay true to themselves.
The first reaction when I saw Vanya & Gokul on screen : Their bodies are weak :). Gokul shoulders were flagging & also not broad. Sorry to be obtuse on their physical appearances, but I think kids need to use this phase to play, tone their bodies, and basically have fun. This time will never come back. The other issue which you point to of joining colleges like Stanford. My basic two questions : 1) Did people from such colleges lose money in housing crisis ? If yes, ( I suspect most from Ivy Leagues lost their fortune) : what’s… Read more »
“It’s never enough…”
You said it brutha…! This sums up my life…now I can laugh about it….but yes, this does hit all the sore spots…
I just read the obit on a prominent, accomplished professional in the Asian community….he died and left two kids behind…he had such a high power career…it made me wonder if he ever had time to relax and have fun before cancer cut his life short….
Hi Leia – glad it resonated with you as well. I speak to a lot a of Indian and Asian professionals who have shared similar and worse stories – each trying to undo and change their life priorities from academic achievement and career advancement to living a fulfilling life. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Dear Mr. Subramaniam:
Your advice can be applied to all parents regardless of their background.
Noted and thank you 🙂 I grew up in the Indian community and with Indian parents but yes, it does apply to all parents (and especially those intent on their children winning Spelling Bees)!
School is work but I don’t why we can’t make school enjoyable at the same time. Too many students have die or killed themselves over education and what makes it even sadder is how corporations and rich people keep stressing the importance of an education but do not want to give you generous wages, benefits, and a good retirement for all the hard work you put in all those school years. Instead they toss you away when they don’t want you anymore.
Unfortunately, education isn’t an end by itself. Almost all of society uses it to further goals and pursue their career objectives. And education being directly tied to income and making a living raises the pressure, competition and desire to do better than others.
I saw this from the outside looking in, Vishnu. So much of what you’ve said reminds me of a friend (“Pam”) and neighbor I once knew during my middle school years. I remember once in science class, the teacher became a little concerned, because Pam was stressing out pretty hard over a project. I didn’t understand why at first, but I figured it out over time. Sometimes her mother gave me a ride to school. She’d sometimes chide Pam in Hindi, and although I didn’t understand a word, I gathered it was about failed expectations, or something of the sort.… Read more »
hi Jonathan – thanks for sharing your perspective and experience. I’m not sure either what the reasons for the move were but I think you’ve had a good first-hand view of the pressures of doing well in school and the many cultural implications behind academic and personal success in our community.
Amen brother. Well said. I’m not Indian but I was a high achiever in school at an early age. The work was fun for me. Once I got to high school and the expectations were that I continue as before, the joy was sucked out of the academic experience.
Thanks for the comment James! Not only is it high pressure and competitive but like you say, there’s no fun in this process. This seems to continue into college, professional life and adult life!! You begin to wonder what’s the point of it all if you can slow down and enjoy the process.