There is a phenomenon that exists in this world called the “Commitment Consistency Principle” or the “Cognitive Dissonance Bias.” It has many names.
Scientists found that there is a fundamental way in which human minds work — as long as they are healthy. And these findings are highly applicable to relationships.
Firstly, what is cognitive dissonance?
Cognitive dissonance, according to simplypsychology.org, is:
“A situation involving conflicting attitudes, beliefs or behaviors. This produces a feeling of mental discomfort leading to an alteration in one of the attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors to reduce the discomfort and restore balance.”
To put it in layman’s terms, your mind gets very stressed when your beliefs and your actions aren’t congruent. In order to relieve this stress, your mind usually changes your attitudes. This phenomenon is also called the commitment consistency principle.
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“Taking a Break” is the Perfect Way to End Your Relationship
Of course, I’m not talking about taking a break from being together or seeing each other. I’m talking about taking an official break from being in a relationship with one another — such that either of you is allowed to hook up with other people.
This isn’t like when your wife/ husband/ significant other goes on a business trip and you miss them. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” is great advice that is very applicable in these instances. What I’m talking about is the dreaded talk.
“I just need a break. I think we should see other people for a while while we figure out whether we’re right for one another.”
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That talk. This process that some couples go through in their relationships is based on the premise that somehow, sleeping with other people will strengthen their relationship. It’s possible. What I’m about to say hasn’t come down the mount with Moses. However, having said that, here’s what the science has to say about your temporary break-up.
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An Experiment by Festinger & Carlsmith
This was, at the time (in 1954), a revolutionary experiment that demonstrated how humans’ attitudes can change. Students at Stanford University acted as the subjects. They were broken up into Groups A & B and forced to do monotonous, nonsensical tasks that they didn’t enjoy.
Then a certain number of students were asked whether they enjoyed the tasks. They gave a definite “no” and were allowed to go home. This group served as the control group. The remaining Groups A & B were then treated differently. Both groups were told to go out and tell new batches of students that the experiment was fun. Groups B were paid $20 for doing this. Groups A were paid virtually nothing.
What the researchers found was that something magical happened to every Group A in their study. Can you guess what it was?
Initially, all students hated the mundane tasks — as proven by the control group. Groups B were paid to lie to the new subjects. Afterward, they admitted that the experiment was in fact extremely boring, similarly to the control group.
But what Groups A said when the whole experiment was over was that they genuinely thought that the mundane tasks were fun.
What This Means
When the human mind does not have a reason to do something, but it has done it, it makes up an emotion to validate having carried out that action. In the case of Groups A, they had no motivation for why they would have done mundane tasks and then told others that the tasks were actually fun, so their minds started releasing dopamine in relation to their memory of having performed the tasks.
This is cognitive dissonance. Their opinions were altered. How does this apply to sexual relationships?
When you are in a relationship, and you decide to take a break, you will usually do so while thinking logically about how this could help your relationship. Sometimes you will do so while being angry, but that normally results in a break-up, not a break — the subject of this article.
What happens to your mind afterward is that it starts producing neurochemicals and emotions to validate you wanting a break in the first place. Whereas in most cases people think that breaks provide space to process one’s feelings, this process actually leads to the creation of new feelings of distaste towards your partner.
According to studies conducted by Steve Ward — a relationship expert and CEO of Master Matchmakers — taking a break can often be a welcomed reprieve and a useful inflection point in the relationship. However, most breaks lead to break-ups. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe that partner wasn’t right for you.
“A break doesn’t always lead to a breakup, but it often will,” — Psychology Today
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Conclusion
Taking a break can make your relationship stellar and solve all your problems. It’s always possible. However, psychology points the other way. Expressing yourself in a relationship clearly so that your partner can understand you is hard. It includes the risk that your true self will get rejected. For that reason, people like to think that taking a break will allow things to sort themselves out and will give them clarity.
Again, I am not talking about a break as in being away from one another. I am talking about an official agreement whereby each of the two parties is allowed to see other people for a certain period of time before getting back together. Science points to the fact that these types of breaks are a truly awful way for making your relationship work because your attitudes will shift during the break. Relationships require work.
I’m also not saying that you have to try really hard to make it work with every partner. I’m just letting you know that if you think your partner is the one for you, and you’re currently going through a bad spell, a break might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
Thank you for reading.
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Disclaimer: I don’t mean to generalize relationships as being exclusively between a man and a woman. This applies to all relationships to some degree. No advice is perfect, and you should always check in with your moral compass first before implementing it. Have a nice day.
Additional References
https://explorable.com/cognitive-dissonance
https://www.yourtango.com/2018309920/why-taking-break-relationship-worst-thing-couples-do
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Joanna Nix-Walkup on Unsplash