Stricken by an attractive woman and don’t know what to do? This is why.
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I got a msg from a friend the other night, he tells me, “I’ve got a crush on a girl I met at a work event.”
“Cool”, I responded. “Ask her out.”
“I didn’t get a chance to ask her out but I added her on Facebook. I’m not sure if I should ask her out when I see her at the next work event or msg her on online.”
I responded “OK…maybe you should focus on meeting more women instead of plotting how you’re going to ask out this one woman.”
This is not the first time my friend has been in this exact situation. He meets someone through work (a bad place to meet women), doesn’t get the nerve to ask her out, or as he puts it “Didn’t get the right opportunity to ask her out”, then adds her on social media later. After all of that he waste mental energy and time plotting on how he’s going to ask her out.
Don’t get me wrong though; he often does well but this particular situation seems to come up fairly frequently, and he’s not alone.
Does this happen to you?Just like my friend, a lot of guys are stuck focusing on one girl and they spend a huge amount of time plotting a plan of attack, and waiting for the perfect time to ask out one woman. They don’t realize that their infatuation is fueled by neediness and a lack of options.
Usually the object of desire isn’t even the kind of person the obsessed guy thinks she is neither, she’s just an avatar that was created in his mind. (Avatar = Character or representation)
Why? Because he doesn’t know anything about her; he just filled in the blanks and is imagining a woman who is probably a lot different than the real person.
If you want to get a girlfriend start moving your attention away from a single girl whom you’re crushing on, and go out learn how to talk to women in general. If you do this you will develop the courage to ask anyone out, and being confined to only asking out women who were introduced to you will become a thing of the past.
You can even ask out the woman you’re obsessing over right now, but make it happen or leave it be, and be happy with the fact that you took action. Her decision to go out with you or not is irrelevant.
Get good with women by meeting them and leave the tunnel vision behind. One girl is not going to make or break your love life, but focusing obsessively on a single girl will certainly drain you emotionally instead of energizing you. Dating should be fun, not serious and precise like a moon landing.
The irony here is that the one woman you’re focusing on will probably be repelled by your singular pursuit. If you’re meeting women, plural, you will become more attractive to the one and the many.So where does the passion and romance fit into this story? Well the movie depiction of the guy who follows a girl around (stalking her), doesn’t say anything, and then somehow manages to make her fall in love with him is an illusion. Nobody wants somebody who is obsessed or acts like a stalker, but Hollywood likes portraying this needy behavior as being romantic.
It’s not romantic or cute, it’s obsession. True romance comes when you’ve found someone you really connect with and can take on an adventure; true romance starts right from the time you approached her and took her away from her everyday routine.
So don’t be confused by the “romantic” notions presented in the movies. An obsession with a coworker or friend is not healthy or cute.
Create romantic moments by daring to try, putting yourself out there, and focusing on creating a life that someone else would like to be a part of.
By Eddy Baller
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Originally posted on Ultimate Man Builder
Photo: Getty Images
“Msg”? What is English?
“Usually the object of desire…”
We’re not objects.
I understand what the article is about and why it’s not healthy to obsess over one person. However I dated men who can “talk” to any woman…it felt like I was an option and believe me it is not attractive. I prefer the man whose willing to take time to know me and see if we are compatible. There’s always someone better than you
..and the search for potential partners could last all your life…
Brilliant article. I suffered from this in the past, but I was fortunate enough to have a friend and influencer in my life who broke this hard truth in to me. It’s very important stuff to be spoken about tbh. I think all of us have become so worried and scared about ending up alone, we fawn and obsess over every person that takes our fancy. People in general would do really well to learn not to take life too seriously. On the flip side though, I think it is equally true that sometimes you bump into people about whom… Read more »
Beautifully said.
“Go out and learn to talk to women…”
My adolescent son goes to parties with his friends (both male and female)….he brings his guitar and everybody shouts his name when he arrives…tomorrow he is going to a bowling party thrown by one of the girls….girls are people, too…just go out there and talk to more people….not just ” the stunners”….
ps: if you’re interesting and passionate enough in your own life, in your own dreams and ambitions and creations the people you’re attracted to will start to come to you. Asking women out and taking them out of their everyday routine is conventionally the way it’s done, but there’s plenty of room in our culture for women to pursue attractive men as well.
Great article! I’ve seen this obsession take hold.. and it can make life hell haha. One myth i’d add that the movies also perpetuate: Opposites attracting each other. Sure there are exceptions, but they prove the rule that like typically attracts like. If you’re crushing hard on someone, what is it about them that makes you so interested, so obsessed? Do they workout, are they ambitious, artistic, or well-travelled//worldly? Try obsessing over something that the person is also obsessed with in a genuinely interested way and you may find more common ground, if not with them than with others like… Read more »
Hello Eddy! First of all, I’d like to thank you for the amazing website and the really helpful articles. Your supportive advice and tips have helped me vanquish a lot of insecurities and solve a lot confidence-related issues. I’ve been successful with women more than ever now, and all credit goes to you! However, I was just wondering about the girl in the picture attached to this article. I’m 100% sure she’s a girl I met on a plane from London to Tel Aviv a few months ago. I clumsily lost the note where she wrote her email and I’ve… Read more »
I’m glad you’ve gotten some value out of it, Abed.
I believe the image is a stock image that GMP put up. The best thing you could do is to meet more women and enjoy yourself. If you can find her online then give it a try but don’t lose yourself in the pursuit. There are many other amazing women out there which you could have a great relationship with.
Great article! But, why do I have the impression that this article was just slapped in on this website without anyone taking a look at it? It plainly says where to put a “video” and a “photo”, but there is none. That’s what I do when I write articles too, I put placeholders for the videos and images. And “msg” is an English word? Hm… Anyway, great advice! Something to keep in mind.
I noticed that too but it appears to be corrected. Thanks for pointing it out and glad you enjoyed the article.
In fairness, I need to pay attention to this advice. The more singular/needy pursuit has been something that I’ve personally found quite damaging. The mindset that I have had since I was widowed three years ago has contributed to that, no doubt, but I shouldnt be making excuses. I know its good advice, but the difficulty I’m having with it is the “get yourself out there” part. I work long hours, which I know is not doing me any favours on many levels and this is the thing, I know that I have to change, if I am to allow… Read more »
Yes, it can be a grind. Working long hours makes it more difficult for sure, but that’s why it’s important to take advantage of any opportunity you get. The biggest factor in reality is probably fear, because fear can make excuses look legitimate. When you see someone you want to talk to you can either make the excuse that you don’t have time to talk for 60 seconds, or you can empower yourself and follow through with introducing yourself. This article here on GMP has some relevance to your plight, at the bottom of the article on how to actually… Read more »
And I’m sorry to hear that you were widowed.
Not only is this true, but if she is worth whatever degree challenge faced and fraught over, and she has an actual brain; to only then discover THIS – these looks – of hers, are the ‘reason’ you are so in to her or taken by her, or dedicated to the dating then WATCH OUT, YOU MAN. Some women do fight to keep humble and honest towards the self checking system of humility, and growth with a proclivity for shunning the typical girl attributes that ruin the gender’s rep and people in general. Someone with depth finds this ‘reason’ out… Read more »
I am the uncured shallow hal, can you cure me,?
I get where you are coming from.But if it presumes much to a fault.For men who want to break awat from tradition-asking women out-this is probably as good advice you can get,no doubt.However,if you are not afraid of asking women out,just tired of the whole charade,where do you go?Guys definitely need to understand that they give away their power when they become handcuffed because a woman is attractive.Physically .attractive women are often not worth the trouble.
Anyone who want’s anything has to work for it.
“Physically .attractive women are often not worth the trouble.” not sure what this means.
“guys definitely need to understand that they give away their power when they become handcuffed because a woman is attractive.” Very true.
First you say guys like that are probably ‘needy’ and ‘lack options’. Then you give them a bunch of advice which presumes that they DO have options.
Which is it going to be?
OK, let’s review a couple things. You may have read “Get good with women by meeting them and leave the tunnel vision behind.” and… “If you want to get a girlfriend start moving your attention away from a single girl whom you’re crushing on, and go out learn how to talk to women in general. If you do this you will develop the courage to ask anyone out, and being confined to only asking out women who were introduced to you will become a thing of the past. ” These statements, amongst others, point to CREATING options. The entire point… Read more »
“Get good with women by meeting them…”
Are you not presuming these guys actually have opportunities to meet women?
That’s too much like the old joke about how to become a millionaire: First, acquire a million dollars….
Unless you live in an all male society then there are opportunities to meet women every day, everywhere.
If “meeting women” was just about seeing them or being around them, this wouldn’t really be an issue, would it?