When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.
~Wanda Pierce in Bojack Horseman
Until I knew the common (and honestly, predictable) red flags of narcissistic relationships, so much of what I went through seemed unique and personal, and it felt like I needed to figure out each particular situation and my part in it. Once I understood that there are classic behaviors that occur across cultures, ages, education level and socio-economic status, it was far easier for me to begin the slow and painful process of pulling myself out. (See my post about the power of the “trauma bond” for more on why getting out of these relationships can be so incredibly difficult.)
Many of the red flags are examples of behavior that is part of the classic cycle of narcissistic abuse: the idealize (or “love bomb”), devalue, discard cycle. In this cycle, the target is first idealized or “love-bombed.” This can include gifts, compliments, special treatment, etc. They are made to feel that this is an amazing, perfect relationship, often like nothing they have ever experienced. From here, the person is then devalued and ultimately discarded (this can be either a “moving on” sort of discard or an emotional discard where separation does not actually occur). The final part is often what is called “hoovering” (from the vacuum cleaner) where there are attempts to suck the target back in and then the cycle repeats. In between idealization and devaluation there is very often intermittent reinforcement—sometimes called “bread-crumbing”—which helps keep the target in a state of hope and anticipation.
This cycle can create an experience even more shattering than simply being treated badly. By that I mean that the impact of first being idealized and then being treated with cruelty, contempt, disdain, or neglect is difficult for even the most well-balanced person to survive emotionally intact.
So what are some of the “red flags” that you may have been roped into a toxic relationship? Here are a few general examples that might be helpful to consider. Think of this as cumulative in nature–the more boxes you check, the more likely it is that this is not a healthy person to be connected to. And of course, the red flags may look different depending on the type of relationship, whether personal, business, friendship, etc.
Red Flags Checklist
- Did this person rush things early on, assuming a level of intimacy and/or commitment that was not congruent with the amount of time you’d spent together?
- Did this person say things like “soul mate” or tell you how perfect you are in a somewhat overblown way very early on?
- Did this person promise amazing (even grandiose) things in the future very early on in the relationship?
- Did this person tell you a compelling “tale of woe” very early on in the relationship? Did you find yourself thinking, wow, they are sure open, but maybe TMI at this point? Do they tell this same tale to every new person they meet?
- Did this person have an overly strong, confrontational and/or defensive response to something you said or did which they didn’t like very early on in the relationship?
- Did/does this person try to isolate you from other close relationships such as family members and friends?
- Did/does this person tell you what you should wear, how you should behave, and/or things you should or shouldn’t do? Do they threaten to withdraw financial support if you do not comply? Do they withdraw emotional connection and/or give you silent treatment if you do not comply?
- Did/does this person provide background and timelines from their life that somehow don’t add up? Do you feel confused about this person’s background/history?
- Did/does this person make you feel immature, incapable, confused, self-centered and/or ineffective when you are around them? Are you feeling more this way in your life since meeting them?
- Did/does this person become defensive, antagonistic, belittling and/or combative when you don’t agree or when you push back on something they did or said?
- Did/does this person question your recollection of conversations, discussions and facts? Do you find yourself doubting and second-guessing yourself about your own recollections? At an extreme level, do you video or record critical conversations so you can prove you’re not imagining things?
- Did/does this person ask for money, loans or access to your financial assets at early stages of your relationship? Do they seem to have lots of drama in their life around finances?
- Did/does this person rarely or never apologize after being wrong, hurtful or dismissive of you?
- Did/does this person make you feel that you can’t leave your phone or computer because of constant texting and emails? Is there some sort of repercussion if you don’t respond right away?
- Did/does this person manipulate others into revealing your personal details (or even secrets) so they can use this against you?
- Did/does this person push your boundaries in some way (and often then make it seem that you are the one being unreasonable)?
- Did/does this person make serious plans or far-reaching decisions without you (personal or professional)?
- Did/does this person ignore or dismiss requests about things that are important to you? And/or promise to do things and then rarely follow through?
- Did/does this person lack unawareness of the impact they are having on you and others?
- Did/does this person lack ability to come up with a reasonable plan to solve their own challenges, issues, obstacles and get out of “poor-me” mode?
- Did/does this person tell you (and others) about the terrible childhood, parents and/or bosses they have had and give this as a reason for their lack of success and/or helplessness? Do they tell you that this is why they need you so much?
- Do you feel less happy, positive, and hopeful since meeting this person?
- Do you feel like it’s harder to focus, concentrate, and remember things since meeting this person and/or in this person’s presence?
- Do you feel like you need to “protect” your family, friends, loved ones, and/or co-workers from this person?
- Do you do fewer of the things that make you happy since meeting this person or because of this person in some way?
- Do you feel like you need to be always on alert when around this person?
- Does this person have a group of collaborators (sometimes called “flying monkeys”) who support their view of you and/or attempts to control you?
- Does this person turn on the charm and revert to their earlier, nicer persona when they sense they may be losing you in some way? Do they attempt to bring you back on board through compliments, gifts, and (fake) apologies?
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Previously Published on butnowiknowyourname and is republished on Medium.
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Internal image courtesy of author
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