Not all men are afraid of the challenge of dating a single mother. The good ones are often all in!
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This is in response to Sarah Fader’s essay “Do A Single Mother’s Children Make Her Less Attractive?”
This past week was my one-year anniversary at my current place of employment. Where I work, it’s common for those from different departments to collaborate, and that’s how I met this girl we’ll call Angel.
What started with professional emails, then a phone call about work turned into things becoming more personal with emails and instant messages has taken me on a journey that I had never anticipated. A journey that unfortunately hasn’t approached an ending.
As we instantly clicked I looked her up on Facebook. I saw recent pictures of her with a little girl, but not many pictures with a man. I honestly thought to myself, “If she’s married, that guy is insanely lucky to have her as a wife.” It had been a while since a woman presented herself to me with an amazing sense of humor.
We decided we had to meet face to face and get coffee. Our buildings were across the street from each other. We met for nearly 45 minutes, and I have to tell you by the end I was hooked. I liked her, and I think she liked me as well.
As we were approaching our separate ways, she said, “I have to tell you something.” With that comment I was already connecting her Facebook images with what she was going to say next. She goes, “I have a daughter.” And all I responded with was, “Ok.”
~~~
The fact that she mentioned having a child didn’t faze me at all. In a recent article, I read how men were afraid to date a woman who has a child or children. “Children are scary” is the quote I vividly remember. I’m not scared. I’m far from being scared. Maybe life prepared me to not be scared. Maybe it’s being a child of a single mother. Maybe it’s being around my nieces and nephews as often as I can be. Maybe it’s seeing my own sister go through a divorce, and is now the single mother with three kids.
Then, Angel dropped something else on me. She continued, “I’m also married.” And that’s when I pushed on the brakes, but the car didn’t come to a screeching halt.
I’m sure I know what you’re thinking: “Run!” But that’s hard to do when your mother was a nurse for 40 years and your father was a police officer for nearly 15. Running from trouble isn’t an option. It’s not in my genetic code. I said to her, “I don’t want to get involved in anything.” She replied, “You’re not involved.” I continued, “If you need help I’ll help you, but I’m not getting involved. If you’re in trouble I’ll help you.” She goes, “Well, he hasn’t hit me yet.” Ugh!
We were in touch with each other nearly every day from April to July. Then she pulled the plug. She could feel herself moving toward committing infidelity. At this point, she started going to counseling and he did as well. But this was it for her. She couldn’t keep trying to save her marriage no matter how much he said he would change.
Well, that plug was put back in a little over a week later. We started talking again. This time from July to November. Every. Single. Day.
I can’t help but think about the future. Psychologists talk about techniques to help you get through stressful situations, and I mainly use visualization. In fact, I probably use it too much. I played things out in my mind with her and her daughter. I’m going to be the best father figure I can be to her daughter. I’m going to do my best to support Angel through this new and scary chapter in her life. I’m going to do my best to foster a relationship with her soon-to-be ex-husband. I’m going to do my best to be the voice of reason when things become too intense between them. I’m going to try.
I never expressed all of these thoughts to Angel. They ended up separating at the beginning of September, and she filed for divorce in the middle of October.
~~~
After we reconnected in July, I told Angel I was all in. I pushed my emotional chips toward the middle of the table, and was ready to roll the dice and see where things were going to go between us. The Arien in me had picked up my shield and spear, and I was going to battle. I was either going to win or lose, but at least I would try to make any potential future relationship between us work, and if I went down in flames then so be it.
As Walter Payton said, “Never die easy.”
This past October she told me, “I don’t expect you to wait for me.” But you know what? I would wait if she asked because I’m all in. Because I think she’s worth it, and her daughter is too.
Because I think she’s worth it, and her daughter is too.
I don’t know what our future holds, but a woman out there is going to get an amazing man. One who sees the big picture in life. One who doesn’t care if you have kids. If a woman files for divorce due to the actions/inactions of her husband, then that tells me she’s a courageous woman.
She wasn’t going to accept her current relationship for the rest of her life, and nor was she going to accept how that relationship would affect her children. She made a brave choice, and that tells me she’s strong and she’s unafraid to shake things up when they aren’t going the way they’re supposed to go. In fact, my mom did that with three kids. And my mom’s pretty awesome, and that tells me a woman who took matters into her own hands is awesome too.
I’m willing to step in that fire of raising a child as my own as well as dealing with an ex-husband and take the chance of getting burned.
To paraphrase Frost, I’m willing to take the road less traveled by, because I’m sure it could potentially make all the difference.
~~~
-Photo: Patty Lagera/Flickr
It is stories such as yours that force us to see the man behind the male. You are that guy though, the one no one wants to talk to. This is the conversation that no one else is having, yours is the one no one wants to hear. I hear you. I’ve heard it hundreds of times, and it needs to be heard publicly now. Good men are suffering for no reason beyond our prejudice and ignorance (where have we seen that before). The entire system has to be re-written. Happens to good women too, just a bit more devastating… Read more »
DJ i went through it myself too. She was 25 with two children, divorced, and just moved back here to her old city after half a year since her divorce. She was living with her husband and kids in a city far away ever since her marriage at 19. It was the first pregnancy that made that marriege happen. After almost 3 years they got separated (she said her husband just left them but i dont believe its that simple anymore).She went on with a bunch of short terms relationships until they got reunited with her husband and made a… Read more »
Tears. Its a big fear of mine, to be single with children. It’s a bigger fear to be in a miserable lifelong partnership because of that fear. Thanks for this, so much.
Boy I really needed to see this today. I’m in a similar situation and she knows how I feel. My surety has been shaken a bit lately but you’ve confirmed for me that I’m on the right path.
Why the need to belittle and shame those men as “scared”, who from other perspectives and other places in life make different choises than yourself?
Where did the author here belittle or shame men?
A general accusation pointing to a group of people that they are scared, that the only reason they don’t step up and perform a certain task or action is because they don’t dare to, because they are afraid of something (minuscule).
What is that if not belittleing and shaming?
I don’t see where the author made an accusation or a negative judgement about being scared. Could you point me to the direct line where an accusation was made? I’m having a hard time seeing it. I’ll just say that being scared is a valid human emotion. The author used a direct quote from someone who said, ‘children are scary.’ It seems legitimate to point out that sometimes men are scared. And sometimes they are scared to take on someone else’s kids. No one said these men were bad men. Don’t you want to create a space where men can… Read more »
Ok, if I may suggest. I’m no psychologist, I just play one on the internet. My whole family are cops, and my wife is a nurse at the executive level. Its not their bravery that is guiding you here, it is their rescuers instinct…and she is looking to be rescued. She may not even have feelings for you beyond that need. Did it in my first marriage to my own single mom, and I paid dearly for it once I was no longer needed. You don’t know what the future holds because you are not looking, but totally focused on… Read more »
The road less travelled is MGTOW, you are about to venture a well cobbled lane.
Isn’t there more then one option for a life and road less travelled?