In today’s dating environment, with Tinder, Bumble, Match, OKCupid, Zoosk, eHarmony, and many more, finding a date is easy. And that results in lots of first dates and many more relationships than were possible before Internet dating existed. In cities like New York, there is essentially an unlimited inventory of new single people and as result we start to feel like there will always be someone better on the next date.
However, there is another issue that has arisen from this new dating culture and having more and more relationships in our lives. We imagine what we desire in our ideal partner by taking the best qualities of each of our previous partners and assembling them into one individual. It’s like we are creating the Six Million Dollar Man (Woman). And just like the old hit TV show, this bionic partner doesn’t really exist. As a result, we set an impossibly high standard for any new person we meet.
I realized this last week when I was at a New York City social networking event. It was the typical combination of lousy food, very loud chatter, a few people I knew, and mostly people I had never met. Towards the end of the event, after schmoozing with essentially everyone in the room, I was sitting with two of my male friends in the back corner. They were asking me for my advice on the topics of dating, relationships and marriage. They had read my recent articles on when to end a relationship and on changing the way marriage works.
Our male-oriented conversation was interrupted when a very attractive woman sat down in the chair next to me. I naturally turned to her, introduced myself and my two friends, and then began to banter with her. Robin was pretty, blonde, in great shape, well-spoken, creative, insightful, a successful professional, and we immediately connected. Robin was exactly the kind of woman most single guys would like to meet.
Can anyone you meet measure up to the standard of being compared to all the best qualities of every person you have been with?
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Robin and I were discussing our professional lives, in particular my specialty, personal branding, when my mind started to wander. I began to think about a potential relationship with Robin. I traveled back in time recalling some of my previous partners. I thought to myself that Robin seems great but I wonder if she is as much fun as Amy. Is she as athletic as Susan? Is she as good lover as Ilana? Would she be as fun to travel with as Morgan was? Will we be able to help each other with our work like it was with Debbie? Could we speak about anything for hours and never get bored like it was with Victoria?
This 15 second internal review of my past relationships got me to thinking how messed up my thinking had become. I wasn’t focusing on Robin, getting to know her and treating her as a unique individual – someone who is more than the sum of her parts. I was taking inventory on her and measuring her against what I considered the best individual qualities of previous women I have been with.
Can anyone you meet measure up to the standard of being compared to all the best qualities of every person you have been with? Unless you would be satisfied with an imaginary partner, the answer is no.
So, it’s time to stop comparing individual qualities of people you meet with those of people in your past and appreciate them for the unique and special human beings they are. That’s a better way to find a relationship that’s worth six million dollars.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
The one or your soulmate or the perfect match does not exist! It will only exist a pool of compatible persons, not more than that. No online dating site can promise you to find “the one” or “your soulmate” or a “perfect match”. Moreover the person you are looking for does not exist or if it exist, he/she does not want to meet you because your are not compatible. The 3 milestone discoveries of the 2001 – 2010 decade for Theories of Romantic Relationships Development are: I) Several studies showing contraceptive pills users make different mate choices, on average, compared… Read more »