This will surprise women everywhere. Men will just nod their heads in agreement.
I recently interviewed my colleague, Author and Relationship Coach for Men, Karen Brody, who says most women completely misunderstand men and what they want. She conducted a survey with her subscribers and discovered one HUGE secret married men wish their wives knew but may never tell them .
The results may surprise women. Men? Not so much.
If you are a man who sees himself in this survey, think about why men readily tell their coaches secrets they never share with their wives. What holds us back?
How would it feel to become confident enough to clearly state your feelings in ways that could improve your marriage and the way your wife feels your love?
Check out what Karen shares below. It may help empower you to see you’re not alone.
And it may help empower you to fearlessly share your secrets with your mate!
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Steve: Karen, you obviously already know a lot about men, as you coach men and wrote Open Her for men. What were you hoping to achieve in your survey?
Karen: My hope was to learn more about the secret lives of men – or what we women perceive as secret lives – and to acknowledge men as complex beings.
Steve: What did you discover?
Karen: That I am still learning about men! It was exciting to ask a question and not know what the answer would be. I asked “What do You Wish your Female Partner Knew about You?” and gave them the following choices to this question:
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- That you hurt too
- That you shoulder a lot of responsibility
- That you aren’t all about the sex
- That you love her deeply and genuinely
- Other
Steve: So what surprised you?
It’s clear that men are struggling to get their messages of love across to their wives, and that their wives are missing the broadcasts.Karen: I know that men aren’t all about the sex, but sometimes I wonder in an anonymous survey if something different will emerge. Frankly, it never does, no matter how many ways I survey men. Yes, men love sex, but their reasons are so much more complex than women tend to think.
What surprised me was the energy the men put into conveying to me, “We love our wives.”
Steve: What was the number one thing men told you they wanted their partner to know about them?
Karen: I imagine you already know this, Steve. It was, drum roll…. “That you love her deeply and genuinely.”
Steve: What surprised you about that response?
Karen: It clearly aligns with the men I coach — men who are extraordinary in that they want to work on being better men. What surprised me is how far reaching this sentiment is.
Steve: Why is this message important and what’s the takeaway for women?
Karen: It’s important because it’s a call for women to realize their men may be expressing feelings of love differently than she does. It’s clear that men are struggling to get their messages of love across to their wives, and that their wives are missing the broadcasts.
Women often don’t hear men’s expressions of love –because their “love radar” is set to a different channel.
For example, I might be yearning for the kind of words that confirm me as my man’s “one,” as his soulmate. Meanwhile, he’s pouring himself into his work to earn the money to support our dreams. I might see his efforts as not focused on me, as him “working too much,” while he sees them as powerful demonstrations of his love and devotion.
This is exactly how some women miss men’s communications of love.
When women better understand men and how to love them, they’re able to see love being demonstrated in ways that were invisible to them before.A woman might be craving the confirmation that her husband sees who she really is and loves her for who she is, while he’s off studying how to be a better lover on his own, to show this to her. Again, he’s making his demonstrations, they’re just not what she’s yearning for in her feminine heart.
When men better understand women, romantically, they’re able to both give in the ways that make sense to them and fulfill their woman’s needs for feminine romance. And conversely, when women better understand men and how to love them, they’re able to see love being demonstrated in ways that were invisible to them before.
Steve: What were the other responses in the survey in order of popularity?
Karen: Again, based on the question: What do you wish your female partner knew about you, these are their responses, answers 2 through 5.
# 2 That you shoulder a lot of responsibility
# 3 That you’re not all about the sex
# 4 That you’d also like to be heard
# 5 That you hurt too
I got a lot of hand-written answers in the OTHER box on this question. The men clearly wanted to drive home the message: “We work really hard to make our wives happy, and we’re saddened by their lack of generosity when it comes to affection and sex.”
I felt them as a giant masculine chorus saying: “Your lack of desire hurts!”
Steve: Any final comments?
Karen: I was able to share the results of this survey with thousands of my women subscribers. Assisting women to understand men is deeply satisfying for me – as I work with men and love them. When women finally get that men are complex, emotionally and sexually, they open themselves to being a lot more amorous. This moves us all in a very positive direction!
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I wrote a special report for men in a struggling marriage. Download your free copy of “The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage” by clicking HERE.
For more information about Karen Brody, get a copy of her eye-opening book for men called: Open Her. Or visit her website: http://www.loveandintimacycoach.com
Photo Hamed Masoumi/Flickr
I recognize this. Clearly, I am well versed here. Growing up my father worked very hard. I knew early on, this is how he shows/showed love. Blood, sweat & tears. I knew that many times to dusturb him would cause workflow interruption. I learned that men show love through effort, time and money spent. I appreciate this. I appreciate this whole-heartedly. Universally. The experience now lends to help me realize & recognize the toil my S.O , lover, friend + future baby daddy puts into our relationship. No hard feelings. I know he’s battling dragons. Such is life. I serve… Read more »
Steve
One more question .
Can you help me and tell me what these men mean when they say “your lack of desire hurts”.
I obviously do not understand it.
http://www.medicaldaily.com/sex-drive-doesnt-exist-psychologist-says-more-women-experience-responsive-desire-328206
Now I withdraw and hope somebody else have something to tell us 🙂
Wow, Silke. You spent so much time researching and responding, I owe you some sort of reply. To answer your question, “why does her lack of desire hurt”, I give you my perspective. You’re right, Karen and I are usually talking about marriage or committed, long-term, romantic relationships. These are monogamous, sexual relationships. The American men I know have a very strong feelings about their non-sexual desires. They love flirtation, playfulness, affection, snuggling, touching, joking, admiration and approval. We know that those things may lead to sexual interaction and satisfaction, but they are extremely fulfilling even if they don’t. Many… Read more »
Steve
Thank you.
i feel a bit guilty now, since you give me of your time and knowledge and I do not pay you.
You do this for a living.
Today I have learned a lot and understand my ex husband better.
Hopefuly I will have more empathy and knowledge with my next man( if there ever will be one. )
And I will be better prepared to the difficult talk we need to have once in awhile .
So again, thank you .
I need help to understand men better.
Steve “your lack of desire hurts”. Some sexologists say women must be aroused to be able to feel desire. Some say she must be touched to be able to feel desire… ( I am not sure if this is always correct but there is some truth here). Combine this with a man that is brought up in a culture where he has learned not to show other emotions than aggression ( and being horny). Do all this men know anything about how to arouse women? Can a man that never show feelings turn a women on even if he loves… Read more »
Hi Silke, Those aren’t harsh words, but they are tough questions – and “leading” questions. You’ve made a few assumptions in each one that you’re asking me to agree with. In any event the proper, most effective way to arouse a woman is a subject worthy of many books. I’m guessing the type of man you’re describing may have some challenges. How about giving me your first 3 basic steps to arousing almost any woman. That would be valuable insight for those reading the comments. We’ll assume the man is not aggressive, comes from the right culture, shows his feelings… Read more »
Steve This is actually a knowledge men have ,and not women. Women RESPOND to it we do not analyse it and write down in our little book what happened, You should ask the men that know this well,and I do not mean the PUA. Of course they know well that is not a script to follow that will turn all women on. They are not stupid. I wonder where they get their knowledge? They do show feelings, and they do not push, do not look like a whipped dog if they get a no, they do not punish or take… Read more »
Steve I know it is a difficult issue. Very difficult. It is my impression that you and Karen talk about men in committed relationships. I do understand that those men want to feel desired by the women they have a relationship with. I also understand that if they knew how to make the woman want them,this would not be un unmet want (or need). Maybe you think it is improper to talk about these things? I know some men discuss it ,like my husband when he asked his best friend what to do to make me more interested in sex… Read more »
A typo:
I said about my husband ” sometimes I wondered if he wanted women to be like men,instant arousal..”
Flyingkal Maybe I am lost in translation? The way I understand the English word desire ,( when men talk about their wife) is something like the Norwegian word BEGJÆR. Maybe desire in English has a different meaning. I love and long for my cats,my friends but I would never use the word desire to describe what I feel for cats and friends. BEGJÆR is the animal in me, and it is not friendship or love. I can feel bejær for someone I love but also for somebody I do not love. So maybe it has a totally different meaning in… Read more »
Silke,
“For how long have humans been on this planet? 50000 years?
And nobody has figured out what turn women on, how to arouse a woman you are married to?
Do you have it figured out yourself?
Or do you just not care?
Your emphasis that Women RESPOND (instead of initiate) seem to indicate that you hardly miss it, should you go without it.
You sound angry again.
Yes,I am also often angry when I think about this issue ,but for other reasons than you.
Silke,
Do I sound angry? Why?
You sound evasive, dismissive and hurt when I use the same style of argumentation that you do, and reflect your own assertions and questions back at yourself. Why is that?
Silke,
Desire is not synonymus with arousal.
With that simple knowledge, please read the article again.
Best regards /K
I have the simple knowledge of being a woman in a woman’s body Flyingkal.
And I have read the article.
Maybe men like to be desired in a way that has nothing at all do with sex,and has nothing to do with a wish that the woman want them sexually?
But what do I know?
I am not a man.
Silke, I think you’ve got the translation of desire correct, as it is pretty similar in Swedish. However it doesn’t really correspond to arousal, which was my point. To me, Desire (BEGÄR in Swedish) is purely, or at least mostly, emotional. While Arousal (UPPHETSNING) is a physical reaction. Sometimes it is linked to the aforementioned Desire, but it is not necessarily so. Your previous post seems to make out desire and arousal as interchangeable. (Or at least in the minds of men you can’t separate the two?) What I’m trying to say is that desire doesn’t have to be of… Read more »
Flyingkal Good to hear Swedish and Norwegian words that have a similar deeper meaning. When Steve explained to me what he and American men mean when they say they would like to feel desired ,I understand what they mean And of course they miss it if it is not there . One of my solutions is to be særbo = living apart together. I do have the same longing for a home together with a man I love as many other but I think it kills both my desire and arousal 🙂 because I feel under pressure . So living… Read more »
You got it all here Steve. Far as I’m concerned a done deal. At least as as a real start. Now let’s take this simple message and endlessly repeat it.
Hey Tom, I suppose there are dozens of reasons why this “secret” has been around seemingly forever. One reason comes down to Karen’s point about choosing to understand each other more deeply and then acting upon a new resolve to SEE each other more clearly. It starts with WANTING to. It’s a choice spouses can make to move into “the emotional deep end” and learn to empathize with each other. Then it’s a choice to GIVE without having to GET beforehand. Then it’s a choice to BE different and ACT differently with the loving intention of honoring the needs and… Read more »
Steve, this is it. I think we all THINK we’re communicating effectively. Reality is often very different. I’ve started doing this with everyone, friends, coworkers, significant other….””what do your hear me saying?”. It’s helpful, not bulletproof, but helpful. What my words, and actions, say to me is not always what that person hears. Likewise, how someone perceives your words and actions may be different from what they intend to communicate if they say/do the same things. We all have history, experiences good, bad or otherwise, that color, literally and figuratively, what and how we receive and perceive everything. Direct–can be… Read more »
What you wrote here has been a constant for countless years. So why, through the years, has this been hid, ignored, set aside etc… ? The sad reality is that with few exception, it continues to be ignored.