Within intimate relationships is quality better than quantity or can you have both?
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See the author’s TEDx Talk on Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shut Down World
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According to Wikipedia, polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships involving more than two people, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. This past week alone, no less than three friends of mine (all male) shared with me about their polyamorous intent or experience. This caused my partner and I to start thinking about why people would want to enter into this kind of intimate relationship scenario and the likely outcomes if they did. The following is just our initial observations and best guesses as to why this lifestyle seems to be increasingly prevalent (over 500,000 such relationships in the U.S. alone) and how it differs from a truly committed binary intimate relationship.
Just to be clear, our musings are not an attempt at judgement, but rather an invitation to you, the reader, to chime in with your own 2-cents…
Variety is the Spice of Life
We humans love the excitement and thrill of new experiences. It’s a way to feel more alive, for a while anyway. Until the thrill of the last “new thing” fades and we seek out yet another “new thing” to get us excited. It is quite possible that the impulse for variety is part of the impetus towards participating in polyamorous relationships. However, if that indeed is the case, then the seeds of relationship failure are already sown. No one has any hard data on the success of polyamorous relationships over time. However, we suspect that they tend to be relatively short-lived in terms of the same group of individuals staying within an relationship. One could argue that the very definition of polyamory allows for the periodic or occasional switching out of intimate partners therefore where is the failure? Perhaps it all depends upon how one defines relationship success.
The Not Enough Syndrome
Implicit within a polyamorous relationship is the notion that having a committed intimate relationship with just one other human being is simply not enough. Let’s face it, we live in a society where *nothing* is ever enough. Most people are on this never-ending treadmill of doing more, acquiring more and experiencing more. This begs the question is “more” ever going to bring one a sense of deep fulfillment and happiness? Or is its pursuit just a vain attempt to fill a hole or sense of emptiness that only grows larger the more one tries to fill it? Also, keep in mind that every partner within a polyamorous relationship knows at some level that he or she is “not enough” for any of their other partners. This is a particularly sharp knife that cuts both ways.
The Dart-Board of Intimate Relationships
In my line of work as an intimacy and relationship coach, it has become abundantly clear to me that most adults have no clue on who their ideal mate is. Nor, do many take the time and effort to even think about such things. Instead, they tend to leave this all important choice to that initial spark of attraction and hoping all the other myriad issues of intimate relationship will somehow work themselves out. Good luck with that. This fact actually supports the notion of a partner eventually showing up as “not enough”. Lack of clarity and intent surrounding intimate partners (other than chemistry) is prime breeding ground for feeling like any partner will simply not be enough.
One way to look at this is polyamory becomes a unified crystal of intimate relationships where each facet provides a unique aspect of the desired whole.
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One way to look at this is polyamory becomes a unified crystal of intimate relationships where each facet provides a unique aspect of the desired whole. In essence the multi-partner relationship is an attempt to find all the pieces of the ideal mate, just not in one package. My partner and I know from personal experience that the need for this evaporates the moment one is very clear about with whom you want to share your life and not settling for anything less.
Since We Are Not Likely to Make It Anyway…
It is no secret that most traditional long-term intimate relationships either end, end badly or see their fiery passion fade as the price to be paid for the comfort of life-long companionship. Polyamory could be seen as a defacto admission to this sad fact as an attempt to keep intimacy alive and interesting through multiplicity. My partner and I are not married nor will we likely ever get married. We re-commit ourselves to each other every time we are together. And the day we stop doing that is the day our intimate relationship ends. We have no safety net, no document or adjudicated process that protects or dictates the state of our relationship. This is something we choose to be proactive about every together moment. As long as we fulfill each other, that defines relationship success for us. The moment that stops being the case we would rather end it than devolve into a pairing of convenience and comfort –that too is relationship success in our minds.
Seeing Only the Tip of the Iceberg
I am convinced that most intimate partners only see the tip of the iceberg that is their mate. This happens because humans have this tendency to label everything rather than be fully present to and aware of what is there in front of them. Just as the vast majority of an iceberg’s mass is below water and unseen, the near limitless depth and possibility of every human being is also unseen –even by their most intimate partner. I also believe that most people actually want to know their partner at that level but don’t know how to access it. With this in mind it is possible to suppose that polyamory is an attempt to experience that depth via associating with just more tips of human icebergs. Unfortunately, just relating to more icebergs will never bring the knowing of another at their full depth.
I am convinced that most intimate partners only see the tip of the iceberg that is their mate.
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This is the analogy that my partner and I use when we speak to couples at events around the country about achieving extraordinary intimacy. I start by drawing the tip of an iceberg and show that the very human tendency of using mental constructs (i.e. labeling) effectively shuts one out from being able to see beneath the surface. To have a glimpse of the nearly limitless Beings we are for each other requires us to be fully present in the moment which allows more of what’s beneath the surface to be revealed. This means quieting the mind and silencing the voice of the judgmental ego –something that requires full intent and conscious effort. Is it worth it? Well, my partner and I have been together now for about 3.5 years and we have barely begun to discover the full depth of who we are for each other. As much as we know and love each other, we always seem to have this sensation of “Who IS this person?!” A very strange and wondrous feeling indeed. One that leads to endless variety and feeling fully alive as two almost totally mysterious partners continue to explore the depths of each other intimately as time goes on. The idea of being able to do this with the inclusion of a third (or fourth, etc.) intimate partner is not in the realm of possibility in our minds. Just speaking strictly for our relationship, quality and depth trumps quantity and variety every time.
So all of this begs the question: Is the emergence and apparent increasing prevalence of polyamory a reflection of, and an adaptation to, our generally disconnected society? Where generalized relationship frustration leads to exploring other intimate modalities for relief. Or, is it just another way of humans to intimately relate that has the same potential for depth, meaning and longevity that is possible with high-functioning binary intimate relationships?
image: DepositPhotos.com
Nevermind. I’m a fool that doesn’t know how to use the interweb… If a moderator could delete the duplicate comment I’d appriciate it… 🙂
I find it fascinating how many times the word “believe” comes up in the comments. I think this is ultimately a religious issue. Where do our beliefs about love and sex come from? Who taught them to us? Why do we find them valid? How often do we challenge our selves in this realm of our lives? If polyamory is on the rise, I can assure you it’s not Christians or Muslims practicing polyamory, it’s the “nones” on the left. Timothy Keller is a prominent Christian Apologist who has written that he believes that the culture wars in America will… Read more »
I think the capacity for love is partly personal, (some prefer lots of connections whereas others prefer few), but I observe that it is also largely influenced by culture. Speaking practically we each have only limited time so that intensity is more possible with one-to-one relationships where more time can be given to it than a multiplicity of relationships. However, the “not enough” idea is in my mind totally bogus. Monogamous relationships are extremely rare where each is ‘enough’ in every respect – they simply compromise or not, later on down the line, and fall apart. A monogamous relationship of… Read more »
as a woman I only enjoy sex with the person I love, if not that it is mecahnical sex and possibly a one-off.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. While it was probably not unheard of, since there was quite some variance in the relationship models of pre-agricultural societies, from what I’ve read, I don’t think arrangements with one male and multiple females were necessarily the norm. My understanding is that male-headed arrangements (those with either one or multiple female partners who were not supposed to have other male partners) really became more predominant with the rise of agriculture and concepts of individual property. The book Sex at Dawn (recommended in another comment) goes into detail on some of these early human societies.… Read more »
Some great resources on non-monogamy, and forgive if you know them already- “Sex at Dawn” by Ryan & Jetha and “The Ethical Slut” by Easton
Sager’s comment is spot on. You may not have intended to pass judgement but you did, and made assumptions, as someone who has not been in polyamorous relationships yourself (if I’m not mistaken by your intro). It might be challenging to avoid being condescending as a member of a majority while writing about the lives of a minority, but it’s important to be mindful of how that can be a problem. If you didn’t have “the benefit of direct research” with polyamorous people, please recognize that while some of your questions are perfectly legitimate, some of the statements in this… Read more »
Points well taken Nick. I am not an anthropologist however I suspect that most instances of polyamory and non-monogamy predating marriage (or, simply binary relationships) were substantially biased towards males having two or more females as partners rather than a more equal setting as modern polyamory seems to represent. I cannot agree with you more about the angst associated with cultural non-acceptance and intolerance for any kind of behavior between consenting adults as long as it is not harmful. In many ways we (especially the U.S.) are still deeply rooted in the Victorian, if not Dark, ages. Self-righteous judgement is… Read more »
Cameron, the pull-quote you refer to above was made on my part without the benefit of direct research with members of polyamory relationships. However, I have done research with couples where one partner is considering this possibility where the other very much feels “not enough” as a result. Also, within the context of binary relationships (which was used as a counterpoint to polyamory), it is not much of a stretch to say that within polyamorous relationships, having just one partner is simply not enough. Otherwise, they would either already have that kind of binary relationship or explore alternatives until or… Read more »
I’m a little skeptical that polyamory is becoming more prevalent instead of simply more visible. Perhaps both, even, though I haven’t admittedly haven’t seen any data that makes a comprehensive argument for one or the other. Either way, discussion of it has certainly become less taboo. I can’t help but feel that polyamory could only ever grow to a certain extent simply because of the inherent complexity of relationships within it – successful ones require a level of openness and discipline that I think many people cannot expect to maintain indefinitely (not unlike the argument that sexual monogamy is perhaps… Read more »
The article reads very negatively towards polyamory. Each argument you pose you indicate an issue that faces many couples and then propose that people in poly-relationships are using said relationship as a means to substitute or escape. You also have some very strong statements for the entire poly community… “..every partner within a polyamorous relationship knows at some level that he or she is “not enough” for any of their other partners..” Do you know this for fact? Have you asked every partner within all poly relationships? Is there any data? If it is your opinion then you have failed… Read more »
Well Sager –Tom thinks I’m all for Polyamorous relationships, you think I’m judging them and I think I’m merely asking questions and offering counterpoints from the perspective of my binary relationship. That’s one a hell-of-a-lot of meaning being pulled from just one little article. And, if you read the article carefully, you will see I acknowledged that relationship success is not necessarily determined by longevity e.g.: “As long as we fulfill each other, that defines relationship success for us. The moment that stops being the case we would rather end it than devolve into a pairing of convenience and comfort… Read more »
“Implicit within a polyamorous relationship is the notion that having a committed intimate relationship with just one other human being is simply not enough.” “In essence the multi-partner relationship is an attempt to find all the pieces of the ideal mate, just not in one package. My partner and I know from personal experience that the need for this evaporates the moment one is very clear about with whom you want to share your life and not settling for anything less.” “Unfortunately, just relating to more icebergs will never bring the knowing of another at their full depth.” Wow. The… Read more »
So, if I’m correct, you’re pretty much saying that a person may feel as in love with more then one person then he/she may feel with only one?
Tom –if you read carefully you will see that is not at all what I’m saying. The purpose of this article is more to ask questions and relate observations rather than state “what is”. My personal bias based upon my own relationship, which is clearly stated in the article, is that I cannot fathom having the same depth of connection and intimacy with multiple partners as I have with my one. There are some (many, actually) that feel you can have the same depth. This was designed to give them a voice as well –nothing more complicated or insinuated than… Read more »
Michael, you said “There are some (many, actually) that feel you can have the same depth. This was designed to give them a voice as well” Which is pretty much what I said, isn’t it?
Just because I give them a voice and say “they” feel the same way doesn’t mean I necessarily agree with their point of view. I clearly offer counterpoints for every aspect covered. Yet at the same time give them the respect and space to voice their opinion as well.
I do believe some people could feel huge amounts of love for more than one person romantically. I think most would tend to be more the monogamous side but there are variances in brain development, and neuroplasticity which in the right environment may allow for more than one love. If someone is raised in a society that pushes monogamy, they may be more likely to be monogamous vs one raised in a polyamorous society.