In my experience, when your love life has just come crashing down around you, it helps to keep your hands busy. Options include beating your fists against sturdy, inanimate objects; tearing photos of your ex into microscopic shreds; and shoving fistfuls of Cheetos into your mouth.
But there’s also a less violent and lower-calorie option: Lists! Here are 10 of the best lists to make as you recover from heartbreak:
1.The List of Things You Wish You’d Said
This is the list of devastatingly eloquent lines you would have recited if you had scripted the breakup. Maybe you were blindsided or the conversation got emotional and you didn’t express yourself the way you wanted to. Maybe when you replayed it in your mind, you thought of the perfect movie-worthy remark and it’s killing you that you didn’t get to use it. Put it all on this list and get it out of your system, even if it’s too late for your ex to hear it.
2. The List of Petty Insults
This is where you belittle and judge and ridicule your ex and burn off some of that initial-heartbreak energy that makes you feel like screaming and breaking things. Instead, write it all down. No topic is off limits — just get really ugly with this one. It’s cathartic as hell and no one else ever needs to read it.
3. The List of Compliments
This is the list where you say genuinely kind and loving things about yourself (so, the opposite of the kinds of things you just put on List #2). When you’re at an emotional low point, you really won’t feel like making this list. But that’s why it’s important; you need to remind yourself early and often how much value you have, whether or not you are part of a couple.
4. The List of Ways They Wronged You
Once the initial shock wears off and you’re able to start reflecting clearly on your history with your partner, this list can be an outlet for healthy anger. Your ex doesn’t have to be a villain to have wronged you; sometimes mistreatment comes in more subtle forms, such as failing to consider your needs, constantly interrupting, minimizing your feelings, and other tiny cuts that cause deep wounds over time.
This list will come in handy throughout the grieving process, particularly if you start to consider possible reconciliation but know deep in your gut that it’s not a good idea.
5. The List of Accomplishments
This is the list of all the things you did — big and small — that you’re proud of during the period you and your partner were together. Completed a tough project at work? Helped a friend who was in a bind? Made it to the gym once in a while? Posted your first TikTok? All of that stuff goes on the list.
When you’re finished, read it over and give yourself some kudos. You were a productive and contributing member of society all that time, in addition to being someone’s romantic partner. And you will continue to be an accomplished badass even after the relationship is ancient history.
6. The List of What You Want in a Relationship
You and your ex didn’t work out, but there were likely things about this partnership that did serve you. There were also likely things you wished for that weren’t present with this particular person. All of those things go on this list.
But it isn’t only about what you want from a relationship partner; it’s also about the kind of person you want to be in your next relationship. This is an opportunity for both self-reflection and self-improvement.
These qualities, values, and behaviors constitute your eye-on-the-future-prize list to keep in mind when you’ve taken time for yourself and decide you’re ready to let someone new into your heart.
7. The List of What You Don’t Want in a Relationship
See previous list; same principles apply. And yes, it’s important to make both lists. The things you don’t want (from a partner or yourself) are as important to remember as the things you do.
8. The List of Incompatibilities
For me, this list feels both good and terrible to write. It starts off as reassuring (See all the ways we were mismatched? It would never have worked long-term!), but then becomes a source of deep discomfort (See all the ways we were mismatched? Why did I ever think it would work long-term?).
This list isn’t about beating yourself up now that you suddenly have 20/20 hindsight. It’s a way of shedding light on all the unharmonious differences that would have made continuing this relationship feel like an uphill battle. In other words, it’s a way of starting ever-so-gradually to see that this breakup was for the best.
9. The List of Regrets
This list requires you to make a deal with yourself up front: I will list the things I regret about my role in the relationship, and then I will forgive myself and let them all go.
If you know you’re going to use the items on this list to punish yourself unfairly or excessively, wait until you’re in a place where you can show yourself more compassion. Then when you do make it, feel free to dramatically light it on fire afterwards.
10. The List of Things & People You Love
Don’t include your ex on this list, even if it’s still true. This is the list of all the other individuals who are important in your life, and all the places, activities, foods, music, etc. that make you feel happy and fulfilled. These are the people and things that will continue to enrich your life even in the absence of your former partner.
And the best thing about this final list? It can — and will — just keep getting longer and longer the more time that passes.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash