There is a problem inherent in the way men do relationships.
As a man, I have struggled with friendships with other men. I find it hard to be in a relationship with another man because of the format men have adopted for friendships. For men, it is about conquering the world together. There is little room for emotion and feeling. It is all about fixing the obstacle and getting to the quickest solution.
Many men see emotion as a weakness. When faced with an emotional challenge, you hear things like “Man Up” or “If you were a real man, this wouldn’t bother you.” In Christian circles, men will give you dozens of scriptures, advice, and a promise to pray for you. Yet, the feeling is the same. Men want to fix you instead of being in an authentic relationship with you.
If we were to look at women as an example, we could see a stark difference between how women do relationships and how men do. Women will sit with their friends. They will cry, laugh, and be present in the moment. For women, it isn’t about fixing the other person. It is about being present for them in their time of need.
What it boils down to is that men are transactional and not transformational. Transactional relationships are relationships that do not require emotional investment.
Transactional relationships focus on the exchange of goods or information. It is a shallow relationship that offers a solution to your problem. If you bring this problem, I will give you this answer. In this relationship, the more the man fixes, the more they feel like they are winning. Instead of going deeper and creating that deep bond, they stay shallow, focusing on the exchange instead of the bond.
Transformational relationships are different. A transformational relationship is a golden standard. This type of relationship is the point to which all relationships must evolve. A transformational relationship promotes emotional connection, being present with the person, learning to be ok with the awkward, and ensuring that person feels supported. When a man feels supported on this level, change will happen. There isn’t a person alive who would not experience the difference when they know someone has their back and is there for them. There will be some transactions within the transformational relationship, but the focus is on growing together.
Women tend to be better at living in transformational relationships. They have demonstrated that emotions are not weaknesses but strengths. They have shown us what an authentic relationship is. Now, I am not saying that men need to do what women do. I do not believe anyone can emulate another relationship. Yet, we can learn some powerful principles that we can apply to our current and future relationships.
1. Learn to sit with another man’s pain.
The most challenging part of relationships happens when someone you care about is in pain. As a man, someone’s pain makes me feel bad. Their discomfort makes me feel awkward and sad. Something inside me springs into motion and tries to fix that feeling. If I were honest, fixing someone else’s pain is more about me not being sad about them than it is about them no longer being sad.
So, the urge I am fighting to fix their pain is really about me not wanting to experience the pain myself. We need to learn to resist the urge to fix their pain. A six-step strategy isn’t always the best advice when someone is in pain. Sometimes, the best strategy we have is learning how to be present with the person.
Sitting with someone in pain isn’t the easiest thing to accomplish. Yet, it is the right thing to do. How much of a difference could we make if we stop treating every person as a problem to be solved? What if we treated more as a person to be loved? Learning to sit with them in their pain is the first step towards authentic transformational relationships. Being present with the person is about being present with their pain. It is making the moment about them and not us.
2. Ask more questions.
How would you feel if a doctor prescribed you medication but never gave you a check-up? The doctor did not know what you are feeling, the symptoms you have, or the challenges you face, but provided you medication anyway. Would you take the medication? Of course, we wouldn’t take the medicine. We know that the wrong medication can hurt us. Yet, you and I do this every day to others. We give medication in the form of unsolicited advice.
One of the biggest challenges for men who want to fix everything is unsolicited advice. Men like to give advice no one asked to receive. We give unsolicited advice knowing that we don’t have all the details. Yet, we offer it anyway.
Instead of giving unsolicited advice, try asking more questions. The right questions have the power to unlock the heart of a man. The more questions I ask, the deeper I go. It is like being a doctor during a check-up. They ask many questions working towards finding the root of the problem. When we ask questions, we dedicate ourselves to finding the source of the issue to give the right kind of advice. If we are quick to fix a problem without knowing the source, we risk hurting the person more.
If we are going to move from transactional to transformational relationships, there must be a commitment to stop giving unsolicited advice.
3. Be a continued support.
One of the worst feelings is when someone tells you how to get over your challenge yet never checks in on you. Life was never meant to be a rotation of information. Life was meant to be experienced with another person. The difference between survival and thriving is found in the quality of our relationships. The higher the quality of the relationship, the more likely we are to thrive.
The easiest thing to do is give someone what you feel they need, then walk away. The more challenging thing to do is to be continued support for the other person. Men need men to be present with them. What men don’t need is more information. Transformation never occurs as a result of more information. Change happens when a man is present and willing to face the hard challenges together with another man. Don’t just fix their problem and move on. Check on them. Walk with them.
One of the most beautiful things about men being in a healthy transformational relationship with other men is the feeling of strength you receive knowing that someone is standing with you and standing for you.
A transformational relationship changes you. Hard hearts are made soft again. Pride is broken, and humility arises. Gratitude, compassion, and love become a regular part of your life.
In short, a transformational relationship with another man makes you a better man.
Today is your day to rise, make the decision to create a healthier relationship with other men, and then go out into the world and help other men do the same.
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