The Unending Misery of Finding Fault in Everyone You Date

 

The second date was fantastic.

We talked all night. Had sex. Cuddled. He even cooked me dinner.

How cute is that?

Everything seemed perfect. And each day passed, I could feel my fondness for him growing.

Until I bumped into a friend and their boyfriend right before our third date. And my friend’s boyfriend? God. He made me squirm.

Him, I kept thinking to myself. He’s my type of guy.

And suddenly, the person I was so willingly dating, the guy I had invested time, thought, and attention into for weeks seemed utterly unattractive to me.

My stomach turned sour.

And I spent much of that third date ready to run out of his living room.

Now, I didn’t run. He eventually cut it off.

But when he did, I was wrecked. I thought I wasn’t that into him. I thought he wasn’t my “type.”

So why did it hurt so much?

We used to kick this phrase around when we were younger

“You deserve better than him”

We were like 16-year olds with acne everywhere. We didn’t really understand that concept fully. Our version of not being good enough was that he didn’t want to go see a movie or something.

When you’re 16, you feel like you’ve got an entire lifetime ahead of you to find the right person.

When you’re a grown adult with a job and a car, that lifetime feels much shorter. And you start accepting the reality that maybe you’ll have to suck it up a little.

The last few guys I dated fit into each category: One is a little socially awkward. Another isn’t super compatible with me in bed. The last is slightly outside my preferred age range.

I happily went on multiple dates with all of them.

And yet, my brain is still waiting for perfection.

I could “wait” for the perfect guy that checks all my boxes.

I enjoy being single. I like sleeping with whomever I want. The problem isn’t feeling alone.

The problem is understanding whether I’m being a good kind of picky or pushing every guy with a single flaw as far away from me as possible.

I find myself frustrated with…myself.

Instead of being present with the person I’m dating — instead of fully accepting I will not find someone that meets all of my criteria, I’m dismissing great guys for the opportunity to find my unicorn (if he even exists).

This question kept me up the other night:

Am I looking for flaws, or am I keeping myself from being happy?

Honestly, I don’t know the answer to that. But I do know that nobody is perfect.

This feels obvious, but we’ve been conditioned to think “the one” will be perfect in every possible way.

Maybe the existence of flaws isn’t the problem.

Maybe the issue is that we focus on how perfect someone needs to be instead of how much imperfect we can tolerate. Whether their imperfection is a deal breaker or something we can grow to love. Or if what we see as a flaw is actually a benefit.

Maybe happiness comes from the acceptance that nobody is perfect. That building a relationship with someone is exactly that — a relationship with a human. With all the messiness and imperfection that comes along with it.

I’m trying to remember this. I really am.

Because I could really use some better third dates.

 

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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