Male victims of rape and sexual abuse matter and should be supported.
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Dear Mayor Johnson,
You don’t know me, and as of right now the words on this screen mean absolutely nothing to you. My hope is that by the time you finish reading this letter, the words on this screen will mean the world to you. I hope that you will feel a lump in your throat so thick, and a call to action so great that even Parliament will be alarmed at the expediency with which you move.
Let me begin.
Right now, at this very moment there is a young man in London at a party with his chums. They’re all enjoying some beers and having a great time. The girls at the party are pretty and jovial, and they’re all getting along with ease. As this young man gets up to go to the rest room, one of the girls follows him in, and locks the door behind her. Once in the bathroom with him she begins to kiss him, and undo his jeans. He doesn’t mind kissing her, but he has not asked for anything more. He’s drunk though, so he is fairly ineffective in making her stop, not to mention he also cannot string two words together to (literally) save his life. You know how it is—you get drunk and all of a sudden your limbs don’t work. However, she is sober, and she’s taking him whether he likes it or not. She says his name. Milo. Milo Arthur. She continues to say his name and when she’s done, she thanks him, exits the bathroom, and leaves him there wondering how and what just happened. Did he just have sex? Yes. Was it consensual? No. Does that mean he was just raped? Yes. Does he have any place he can turn to for services? No. Will he be four times more likely to suffer from Rape Related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, due to lack of counseling, support groups and mental health services specifically designed for men who have been victims of “sexual assault”, since in London women cannot be charged with actual “rape”? Yes. Is it likely that he will never speak a word of this experience to anyone, and when the shame becomes too great, decide to end his own life with a completed suicide? Yes. Yes, it is very likely that this young man, Milo Arthur will attempt and actually COMPLETE his suicide attempt, because the suicide rate for men who are sexually abused/assaulted is 14 to 15 times higher than that of males who are not sexually abused/assaulted.
Milo. Milo Arthur. That’s your oldest son’s name, isn’t it?
It is not a coincidence that I used his name. Since you haven’t seemed to give much credence to the needs of the nameless and faceless young men in London who are raped and sexually assaulted every single day, I thought perhaps if I gave the young man in this story a name you know, and gave him a face that is burned so deeply into your psyche you could describe every single nuance and eye twitch in your sleep, that that might make the plight of the nameless and faceless more real to you. This exact scenario may not have taken place. And it may never. But if it ever does, would you be prepared to eulogize your eldest son, all because you refused to put services in place that could help him. Could you bear the thought of knowing that all it would have taken was counseling, support, basic help from qualified individuals, and he could still be there with you? I am going to step out on a limb and say that no—you could not bear the thought of knowing that there was something you could have done to help your Milo, but did not.
Male rape IS rape, Mr. Mayor. Whether the male experiences actual rape, attempted rape, or as London likes to call it “sexual assault”. Whether it is committed by a woman or another man, or whether the perpetrator is a stranger, a friend, a spouse, or a relative. Whether the victim is drunk, high, buzzed, sober, wide awake or dead asleep—rape is rape is RAPE. And for men, rape comes with a different set of after-effects that requires a vastly different skill set than would be used to counsel female victims of rape. So then Mr. Mayor, I ask you—If the odds are in my favor that you could not bear the thought of knowing you essentially let your child die, why do you continue to make thousands of parents across London carry the weight of their dead sons on their shoulders – every.single.day. Any parent would move mountains across continents to save their child’s life. You would do it for your child. Why won’t you do it for theirs?
I implore you, Mr. Mayor. London implores you. Put services in place, Mr. Mayor. Put services in place to save the lives of thousands of male victims of rape and sexual abuse. It may not be your Milo, Mr. Mayor, but the next rape related suicide will be someone’s Milo.
Sincerely,
An American Ally, Empathizer, and Sexual Assault Survivor,
Adiba Nelson
Contributing writer for The Good Men Project
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SurvivorUK reports:
In July 2014, a review of victim services in London led by Baroness Newlove and commissioned by the Mayor highlighted the lack of support for “male victims of abuse” and made it one of 4 priority areas for the Mayor to remedy through the application of £15,000,000+ additional funding now being provided to the Mayor to meet the needs of London victims.
- In 2015, in London, funding to specialist male sexual violence services has been cut to £0.
There is no indication that male victims of rape and sexual abuse in London will receive any specialist emotional support funded by their Mayor. Yet just 2% of this new funding would provide robust support for adult male victims.
Male survivors of rape and sexual abuse, like their female counterparts, have needs that cannot be met in generic counselling or victim support services. Funding from the Mayor would secure the delivery of specialist individual counselling support to these vulnerable men. It would provide safe therapeutic spaces for men who have never met another male survivor. It would ensure that these men have advocates to support them through the difficulties of pursuing legal justice for sexual crimes committed against them. It would give male survivors in London the opportunity to begin a journey of healing and recovery.
But more importantly, it would publicly recognise them as a group of people whose experiences and care matter.
Withholding that recognition and support adds insult to injury for a group of victims who struggle to speak in the face of a society that largely denies their existence. The Mayor’s administration would prefer that they remain faceless, helpless and silent.
Sign the petition at change.org and ask the Mayor of London to recognise and support male victims of rape and sexual abuse and to appropriately and proportionately fund services that support them to heal and recover from their experiences.
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Photo: Getty Images