When I was young, maybe seven or eight years old, I’d watch movies where two lovers are in anguish because of something seemingly irreconcilable. Maybe one of them had misread the situation or perhaps they were just 3 seconds too late at the airport before the love of their life flew off to Paris. Maybe one was an ogre and one was a princess.
I’d sit there thinking it was all absolutely ridiculous. I’d roll my eyes and think “Why are they making it so hard for themselves? Love is easy. If two people like each other, they should just be together.”
It was so bewildering and so freaking obvious.
* * *
Twenty years later, I have seen, loved and lived through the many reasons why my 7-year-old brain was wrong. I have felt all the extremes of being not at all sure and entirely sure, of being extremely happy and extremely sad, of knowing everything and knowing nothing.
This feeling of knowing nothing comes at the start and the end. At the start, you know nothing and that’s the best part. You get to find out your lover loves sushi like you do, finding out that they snore a little bit and you never thought you’d find that attractive but somehow, you do.
In the middle of a good relationship, you can think that you’ve got it all figured out- you’ve nailed it this time! This person is the one for you and you’re going to make it. You’ve got a plan, and you’re in it together. Love is exactly what you think it is and should be.
Then time passes. Months, years, decades maybe. Perhaps you slowly figure out that some things you thought you knew- you didn’t know for sure. Maybe they didn’t know some things either. Maybe you both didn’t know them at all to start with. As the relationships unravels, you separate into strangers again and in the aftermath, it feels like you know nothing about love at all.
Throughout all this seesaw of knowing and unknowing, these are the few things that I know for sure about love:
1. Everyone deserves trust, respect and honesty.
These are the very minimum components required for any relationship. If any of these are missing, it’s a non-starter: shut it down. If you can’t give these things to someone, you need to let that person go, asap.
* * *
2. Loving someone vs liking someone are different things.
Sometimes I think that it’s easier to love someone than to like them, especially with our romantic partners. Our brains are bombarded with dopamine and oxytocin. The intoxication of the honeymoon phase makes us think that they’re perfect and wonderful and that when they chew loudly, it’s cute and doesn’t really make us want to stick forks in our ears.
You get to know their friends, their family. You get so wrapped up in their lives and you in theirs that you can’t help but love them. But liking someone is different to loving them, and if the foundation of the relationship doesn’t look like a friendship, it may be more fragile than it seems.
* * *
3. Love isn’t enough.
Life is full of obstacles and demands. Perhaps you both have different goals and visions of the future. Perhaps one of you wants kids and one of you doesn’t.
It’s not enough to have love for each other if these major things don’t line up because a partnership fulfills only one of many needs that a human being must have in order to have a complete life. The “we’ll figure it out babe” or, planning a life based on a feeling ignores the heavy weight that logistic realities carry with them. That weight can only be ignored for so long.
* * *
4. You can’t change people.
Nobody is perfect, and when we meet our partner they may have some wonderful traits, some traits that you wish they had and some that you’re just not a fan of.
The whole point of dating is to figure out: Can you love this combination of traits or not? The things you don’t like: Are they open to changing these things themselves/is it even possible to change these things?
As unromantic as this sentiment might be, sometimes it isn’t as simple as asking “What do you love about them?” but rather, “What horrendous traits can you tolerate in them and what, in turn, can they tolerate in you?”.
The important thing to remember when asking all these questions is: No matter how much you love someone, you simply can not change them unless they themselves are willing to change.
* * *
5. You have to be able to talk.
Expecting your significant other to know exactly what you’re thinking is basically asking them to be a magician. It’s is not only unreasonable but deeply unfair.
Express yourself clearly when you’re upset. Things left unsaid build up bit by bit until they turn into big sticking points or obstacles.
Arguments often happen not because of what happened, but how things happened. Never assume the other person knows what you’re thinking, especially when it comes to conflict.
Spell it out calmly, don’t accuse them, and don’t make snap judgments. Don’t get defensive. Ask them to do the same.
* * *
6. You have to be honest.
Know what you want and what your intentions are. Tell them how you feel about them. Don’t play games. Don’t keep them around because you’re afraid of the alternative.
Let the other person know these things as clearly as possible so they can make an informed decision about the relationship too. Stringing someone along wastes your time and theirs.
* * *
7. Love is an action, not a feeling.
To love someone isn’t to act purely based on the emotion you’re feeling towards them at any moment in time. To love someone is to choose to behave patiently and kindly to them unconditionally. To love someone is to choose them again and again and again.
* * *
Whilst I was still with my ex, my friend (who was single at the time) lamented that she’d never find anyone.
“You’re lucky you have someone. How long do I have to wait? How many shit people do I have to meet before I meet someone I like?”
I opened my mouth not knowing what divine wisdom or bullshit I was going to spit out and said:
“I don’t know. But every day that passes is one day closer to meeting the person you’re meant to be with”.
I was proud of that one, and I believe it too.
To wait and always try again. That’s all I know.
* * *
Yes, I was indeed referring to Shrek.
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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: Akshar Dave on Unsplash