I heard a suggestion that if you have gone through a manipulative circumstance, whether it be family, friendship, or a romantic relationship; then you should keep a journal where you write about what you think love is on a daily basis. It is expected that as you grow in hindsight you will discover that love is obviously not what you just went through that at one point you did indeed think was love.
I have often read the Bible verses from 1 Corinthians about love and I thought they were an ideal, not necessarily a complete nature to expect in a relationship: “Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.” But I think this is a very strongly realistic guide to what true love is.
Manipulation presents itself as love, but bears absolutely none of those qualities listed. Manipulative “love” is patient towards calculating how to control you, not patient in a journey of connecting with each other. Manipulative “love” is jealous that you have achieved a personhood that the manipulator feels they have not achieved and so they want to destroy you until they can feel superior to you. Manipulative “love” will give you many gifts, whether it be gifts of what you want to hear, gifts of experiences they know you enjoy, gifts of items you have had your eye on, et cetera but it will attach strings to absolutely everything, solely expecting you to pay back that gift by giving the manipulator exactly their way and nothing less.
Finally, manipulative “love” does indeed rejoice at wrong. Of course their wrong is rejoiceful to them because they perceive that doing something of poor character gives them advantage over good people who are “stuck” having to do the right thing. Manipulators perceive themselves to be above right and wrong; so much wrong has been done to them that they think they have a blank check to treat others as vengeful as they please.
But also, wrongs that happen to the manipulator’s target outside of the relationship are something to rejoice over. Did you go through a profoundly difficult circumstance in life recently? Are you trying to build a fresh start but someone else is being cruel to you? Are you weak in an area that is challenging for you to overcome? What great news to manipulative “love”! You will feel small and weak and hang on their every word of wisdom and let them influence you to do what you expect will be the right thing to do. Then, before you realize it, you will have even more losses in life to grieve over because you were just conned. Wrongs are awesome to manipulators. The more you are wronged, the easier they perceive it to be to take advantage of you for their selfish and destructive purposes.
Manipulative “love” hates the connection aspect of true love. True love unites people; manipulative “love” is where one person perceives a connection but where the manipulator is disconnected not only from that person but from goodness as well. True love is a journey of getting to know each other and accepting this beautiful yet flawed companion; manipulative “love” is about rejecting another’s beauty out of jealousy. True love expands your appreciation not just of a specific relationship but of the beauty of life in general; manipulative “love” wants your world to be as small and as painful as possible so that you give up and willingly cut yourself off from the vitality of life. Manipulators find it so powerful to influence someone to the point where they don’t have to force the person to do their will, but have deceived the person into thinking they want something awful for themselves out of their own heart’s desire.
Love is a beautiful thing that finds you and frees you and tells the truth to you in a way that you forever appreciate. Do not ever fall for anything less. Strive to be of the nature of true love within yourself and you will better recognize who does and does not share the nature you are seeking. You’ve got this!
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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