A couple of weeks ago, I found myself in a colorful debate with fellow Johnny Depp supporters. They felt the majority of us celebrating his victory, and continuing to blow apart Amber Heard’s lies, should just “ignore her” and “let it be”,
So that the chaos could finally “die down”.
To which I said —
It’s like on the one hand I completely agree with you, always starve the narcissist of your attention. You’re 100% right about that. On the other hand, in this particular case, she keeps hitting at him publicly and it’s like we (the world) are hitting right back on his behalf.
I was then reminded that I (along with countless others) are actually giving Ms. Heard “exactly what she wants”.
I get the concept but from very personal experience, there is one problem with this theory. This ideology does not actually apply to every narcissist. In fact, it usually does not apply to covert narcissists,
In particular.
Amber’s Expression of Narcissism Isn’t Overt
Although it definitely seems that way
Maybe it’s the bad acting, I don’t know. But let’s also be clear that I’m not diagnosing Amber either. Narcissism is a spectrum that we all fall on, some higher than others.
Often the ones higher up on the spectrum are more overt about it. Unless they’re wise enough to gauge the environment they’re in and realize hiding their narcissism as much as possible will reap greater benefits.
Malignant narcissists are especially good at this. However, covert narcissists thrive in expressing their abuse subtly. They are masters of passive-aggression and are skilled at throwing stones and then hiding their hands.
In the case of Ms. Heard, I have seen more of this than anything else. And although her range does hit me as high she was also very covert about her abusive ways, until one very important thing began to happen.
She was exposed.
So What Exactly Is a Smear Campaign?
It’s a verbal form of reverse psychology
I have already explained the importance of going ‘No Contact’ with a narcissist and of not giving them any of your attention, here.
I have also explained why allowing yourself to be discarded is, in fact, your power move here.
What I haven’t discussed is the importance of your own smear campaign against a narcissist. Or as I like to call it — literally telling the truth.
Smear Campaign is defined as —
- a plan to discredit a public figure by making false or dubious accusations.
In practice, this is when a narcissist starts saying bad things about you to others. Usually with the intention of turning people against you and/or ruining your public image.
It’s their way of controlling the narrative surrounding the abuse you’ve faced at their hands. We can use Ms. Heard’s op-ed as a clear example of this, where she details her abuse at the hands of Johnny Depp.
What makes her covert is the fact that she didn’t use his name. She doesn’t outright say, “it’s Johnny Depp” but gives you timelines and timeframes that point exclusively to her time with him.
This manipulated the public into drawing their own conclusion that would end in them connecting the dots to Johnny (on her behalf) — and therefore pointing the finger at him, without being directly responsible for doing so.
Why Do Narcissists Rely on Smear Campaigns?
It all comes down to control and saving face
There are two reasons a narcissist will begin a smear campaign against you —
- They’re mad you will not deal with them anymore (especially if this involves any refusal to break ‘no contact’), and
- They’re beating you to the punch of getting the story out
I believe Ms. Heard was offended by Johnny Depp being the one to end the relationship. As well as, notifying her that their last encounter would be the last time she would ever see his eyes.
We saw this injury play out in the courtroom as she looks over at Johnny Depp several times throughout the trial, before initially expressing exasperation over his refusal to look at her, even once.
I’ve said before that narcissists tend to do to others what will actually destroy them. They are constantly showing their hand, especially to their victims. In this case, the smear campaign they start is a direct tell that they are terrified of you telling the truth, first.
They Need to Control the Narrative
This is a game of “expose or be exposed”
They know that what you might say will be the truth and it will make them look bad. Plus, the more evidence you have the worse they know they’ll look.
By beating you to the punch they are knocking down your credibility of being believable to anyone they feel you might tell your story to.
Perfect example;
In Season 3, Episode 20 of The Office, there’s an episode called “Product Recall” where Dunder Mifflin is hit with a scandal after releasing a shipment of paper containing an obscene watermark of, “ a beloved cartoon duck performing an unspeakable act upon a certain cartoon mouse”.
Michael decides to handle this by calling the press himself.
His reason is —
“Here’s the thing. When a company screws up the best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out and then the story controls you.”
Michael isn’t wrong when he says this. Usually, the person who gets in front of the story first does in fact control the narrative. Thus, making the other party’s ability to prove themselves much harder.
The only difference between what took place in the show and what occurs in a narcissistic smear campaign is that the slip-up, as far as Michael was concerned (and deemed responsible), actually was an accident.
Your Smear Campaign Is a Calculated PSA
Made by your abuser to turn potential believers into skeptics
Not only to hurt you but mainly to save themselves and save face. What usually makes them so hurtful is that many victims just want to get away and heal. They aren’t thinking about telling the world or telling on the narcissist.
They simply want to recover.
Even in the audios shared in court, Johnny states how smoothly he would like to navigate their separation and do so as painlessly as possible for both parties involved.
However, narcissists are so wrapped up in the guilt of knowing what they did, along with the fear of it getting out, that they can’t help but believe you will do to them what they are now going to do to you. Tell.
This is exactly what Amber Heard did in her Washington Post op-ed, along with her speech at the 4th annual Women’s March LA: Women Rising on January 18, 2020. Despite knowing her role in the domestic violence she was speaking so loudly about.
What makes the narcissist’s smear campaign so ironic is that they create become a self-fulfilling prophecy because had they kept their mouths shut many victims probably wouldn’t come forward about their abuse.
No one likes being lied on
Once your character is being defamed and repercussions are presented to you because of blatant lies you are ultimately forced to defend yourself. You are pushed to tell the truth in order to clear your own name.
Ms. Heard chose to be defensive and create stories to shield herself from public criticism while throwing the blame at Johnny and ruining his public appeal — along with his career.
She created an offense that wasn’t there to being with, which ultimately forced Johnny to be on his own defense.
The way Johnny was forced to sue her for defamation after she went public about his alleged abuse in her Washington Post op-ed.
Silence Is Not Always Golden
Johnny tried using this method with amber — and it did not work
Johnny ignored her. When they broke up he did leave her alone. He maintained his distance and his silence, as all victims are suggested to do. His ability to do so isn’t surprising because despite his big personality,
Johnny is more passive than Amber.
His childhood upbringing sheds light on this factor and how he picked it up from him his own father, as his method of coping with the abuse he faced from Johnny’s mother, Betty Sue.
This included the method both, he and Johnny would use of walking away to avoid an altercation — saying nothing. And according to many professionals, this was the right thing to do. But what if it actually wasn’t?
Now, let‘s be clear about one thing
It’s lethal to a narcissist when their victim ignores them.
Covert narcissists rarely survive this because underneath the rejection is the realization that you’ve seen through the exterior and found what was under the mask to be unlovable and intolerable.
This is one of their two greatest fears.
The other is you then telling your truth, which is closer to the actual truth. This approach is very case-sensitive. We already know to ignore narcissists. The problem is this when no one is there to expose the lies and the truth the victim suffers much longer — even if they ignore the abuser.
Sometimes, justice isn’t served in silence.
In fact, when dealing with a covert narcissist sometimes telling your truth is more impactful than ignoring them and “moving on with your life”. This was the point I was making in my mini Twitter war. And we saw the proof of this point play out during, and after, the Depp v. Heard trial.
There’s Great Value in Speaking Up
Sometimes your justice relies on you clearing your own name
Once (or if) a victim decides to speak up and defend themselves, the narcissist is unmasked. Usually publicly, like Amber Heard has been. This is an absolute nightmare for a covert narcissist.
All they have is their reputation, which is built on the foundations of public perception. This is something Amber and her sister, Whitney, actually admit on the stand.
All she had was the perception we have of her and Amber has been visibly affected by our reception of her during and after the trial. However, Amber’s distress is not because she feels any remorse or guilt over what she’s done to Johnny.
It’s because we see her for who and what she truly is now. We know the truth so there is no mask that she can hide behind. In other words, There’s nowhere left to run. Amber fell on her own sword and this is what’s actually eating her up.
This is also why I also understood why Johnny didn’t actually care about winning the trial but about clearing his name and exposing Heard’s true character in the process.
Speak Up and Tell Someone Your Story
Sometimes we suffer more when we keep quiet
Often victims of narcissistic abuse are told to go ‘No Contact’. We are advised to ignore the narcissist, and go on with their lives.
We are encouraged not to talk about what happened to us (or not focus on it) because it would be considered giving the narcissist “the attention they want”. Sometimes unmasking who they really are creates the impact that’s needed.
I, personally, never found peace of mind keeping my mouth shut. In fact, it actually made me very sick. I didn’t start healing from my own encounters with narcissistic abuse until I started telling my truth to the world,
On this platform.
Ignoring the narcissist was never the problem. Keeping what we survived to ourselves and letting a false narrative speak for both sides is the problem. There is absolutely no justice in that.
This is why I understand Johnny taking her to trial after her smear campaign ruined a good portion of his life and success. Sometimes we suffer more when we keep quiet.
Obviously, you won’t convince a narcissist of your truth — because they already know they’re lying.
But in a world full of people in the same position, telling your own story (or even going to court) allows you to bring yourself the justice you need to heal and actually move on. Speak up.
Tell us what happened to you.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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“What makes the narcissist’s smear campaign so ironic is that they create become a self-fulfilling prophecy because had they kept their mouths shut many victims probably wouldn’t come forward about their abuse.”
True. My “father” talked so much shit about me I ended up writing 3 songs about him with ACTUAL details of my childhood. Impossible to explain away.