My friend Aaron has a theory that romantic relationships really started becoming undermined around 2007, with the advent of the iPhone. Suddenly, each person had a private computer in their pocket that was with them all the time. But, he says, it’s not the computer — and constant access to online dating sites — that caused relationships to crumble but another mindset altogether.
We became a culture of trading in something that worked perfectly well for the newest model, even if what we had was only a year or two old. We became conditioned to constantly look around for the newest upgrade, and we stopped taking such good care of what we already had.
It’s not “swipe” culture itself on the dating apps that threw a wrench into relationships, Aaron insists. It’s the idea that there will always be a bigger, more powerful, better, sharper model coming out right around the corner.
But good, long-term (monogamous) relationships require us to choose what we have over the possibilities that may exist out there. We have to abandon our search for the “next best thing” and appreciate what currently exists in our life.
Some people — perhaps the ones who are constantly swiping right or upgrading their iPhones just so they can show off the latest, greatest model — believe the grass is greener on the other side. But this is only true for them in the short term. Don’t like a trait in the person you’re dating? Trade them in for something else. Don’t like a feature of your phone, or are you tired of your car? Trade those in too. Consume, consume, consume.
The funny thing about constant consumption is it becomes less and less fulfilling. And any gardener knows that the grass is greener where you water it. If you just pick up and move each time you see dead grass or weeds poking through, you never get to make a home. You never get to rest.
For most of us, our grandparents’ generation didn’t have smartphones. They dated and married before the years of personal computers in each home, so they had to be out in the real world. (Yes, it must be said: Perhaps largely because women weren’t as financially independent back then, marriages went through loads of ups and downs, with women often staying in situations that they otherwise would have left. Let’s set aside those relationships and instead focus on the ones that are reasonably healthy and supportive.)
Rules for the dating world have changed a lot in the past couple of decades. Where it used to be cool to show a healthy interest in someone you wanted to date, it has devolved into a game of pretending to care less — or not at all. Hookups became more casual and transient and relationshipping turned into situationshipping.
I hear that hardballing and dating with intention are coming back and with it, vulnerability and authenticity. I’m all for that; After all, that’s what makes for sincere, connected relationships.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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