Kristina Virro is a CEO, TikToker, and a licensed therapist.
One of her TikToks got me thinking. In her video, she tells a typical (and heartbreaking) story that happens in her office during couple’s therapy.
It goes like this:
The couple (let’s call them Mary and Mark) goes to therapy. Mary is extremely open about her emotions and expectations. She tells Mark precisely which behaviors make her uncomfortable. Mark says, “yes, I understand.”
And proceeds to do nothing about it.
As the sessions go, Mary becomes more distant. When she reaches her breaking point, that’s when Mark changes. Now, he’s on his best behavior.
Except now it’s too late. Mary has already made up her mind.
According to Kristina, this story is extremely common among couples. It made me wonder: What’s behind this? What does it say about modern relationships? How can Mark become a better partner?
Why won’t he take warnings seriously?
The couple in this story didn’t have a communication problem. Mary spoke openly about what bothered her. Mark had all the information he needed to change. Yet, why didn’t he change?
Mark didn’t take Mary’s warnings seriously.
You take the other for granted because of the intimacy. Imagine your relationship with your siblings. You’re comfortable enough to joke and even bully them. You know this relationship can take that. But you wouldn’t act like that with your friends, right?
Your romantic relationships follow the same logic.
When you’re in a long relationship, you become too intimate, and that makes the boundaries blurry. You feel comfortable joking around, even when that hurts your partner.
You take the relationship for granted.
Except your partner doesn’t owe you anything. When you test the limits of your relationship, you risk stretching it too much.
Here are a few things that indicate you take your partner for granted:
- You put your interests first.
- You never plan special nights.
- You don’t take warnings seriously.
Relationships take effort. Sometimes that means changing your behavior. Other times it means listening.
Mark never thought he’d lose Mary. Otherwise, he’d take her warning seriously. But unless your partner is a psychopath (I truly hope that’s not the case), they won’t make empty threats.
What you do once doesn’t matter.
Let’s say the reason Mary is upset with Mark is that he drinks with his buddies and forgets to text her. She worries and feels unappreciated.
Imagine this happens once. Maybe Mark met an old friend, wanted to catch up, and lost track of time. That would hardly matter. Mary might be upset, but after an honest conversation, she’d forget about it.
What you do once doesn’t matter. Your partner doesn’t expect you to be perfect.
Now, imagine Mark does that every weekend. That’s not a mistake anymore; it’s a habit. The difference between a mistake and a habit is how often you do it. When you do it repeatedly, it becomes a conscious choice.
Mark knows how much it hurts Mary. But he acts this way because, for him, partying with the boys is nice enough to endure the fight with Mary the next morning. It’s like a purchase: How much you pay versus how much you get.
Except the currency is Mary’s emotions and their relationship.
The lesson here is: Intention matters. Everybody makes mistakes. But when you put your priorities first repeatedly, you choose to hurt your partner (even if not consciously).
You’re not wrong for putting your needs first. But being in a relationship takes sacrifices. If you’re not willing to listen and do your best not to hurt your partner, maybe you should stay single.
You can’t have the cake and eat it.
Your behavior vs. who you are.
The most common explanation you hear from the Marks of the world is: “I can’t change who I am!”
Which brings me to the question: Who are you?
I don’t have a simple answer to that question. But I’d say multiple things make you who you are: Your friends, hobbies, job, dreams, fears, and values (and I probably forgot a few things here). So we can establish that “who you are” is complex.
So when Mary asks Mark to change one behavior, like partying and not texting, does that truly change who he is? I’d say it doesn’t. If one habit determines your personality, you have deeper problems to fix.
Now, let’s say Mark is right: That one behavior changes who he is.
Why is that change bad? Humans change all the time. Think back five years. I bet you’re a different person now. Sure, you still have the same core values. But you’ve learned new skills, met new people, or maybe you moved to another city.
Unless you live in a bubble, life changes all the time.
You shouldn’t change only to please your partner (especially if it makes you uncomfortable). But if that change helps you grow and makes your relationship stronger, what are the downsides?
The trick is: Find your non-negotiable values. These are things you’d never change or tolerate.
Now, imagine your partner asks you to change. If that’s not on the list and it hurts your partner’s feelings, maybe you should consider it. If it’s your non-negotiable, maybe this relationship has deeper problems.
When you know what matters more, it gets easier to make decisions.
Relationships should make both parties happy. Find the balance between who you are and how to make your partner happy.
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Relationships are no kids’ game. They take effort, commitment, and knowing what you want. You’ll inevitably hurt each other (especially in long relationships). But what matters is what you do afterward.
Don’t play with your partner.
If you’re not willing to listen to the warnings, you’re free to leave. It sounds dramatic (and you likely don’t want to end it), but sometimes leaving is the best option for everybody. Mary would stop hurting, and Mark would be free to party without restraints.
One last piece of advice: In the world of Tinder, relationships feel meaningless. When Mark leaves Mary, he can find another girl with one swipe to the right. You become used to receiving what you want with little effort.
But if you want a great relationship, you’ll have to put in the effort.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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