A solution for the couple who wants sex to be spontaneous and intimate, but finds it hard to make sure it happens.
Years ago we would have laughed at the thought of “scheduling sex.” It’s not spontaneous, exciting, or invigorating. That’s what we told ourselves.
In reality we wanted our sex lives to be a time when we were connecting at a deep and intimate level. What it typically ended up being was the same place, same time, and the same position (hello again missionary).
Usually we would fall into bed, exhausted and worn out from the day, to make love that was mediocre at best. Episodes of spontaneous sex were few and far between.
Six years ago we set out to change our sexual intimacy. We were frustrated with what sex had become in our marriage and knew that there was much more enjoyment than we were experiencing.
It was then that we started The Intimacy Lifestyle. The Intimacy Lifestyle is about making sexual intimacy a priority in your marriage each and every week throughout the year.
Communicate the Expectations
You both need to sit down and talk (communicate) about how your marriage will be transformed by scheduling sex. The ability to talk to each other is vital to all areas of your marriage — especially between the sheets. There is so much that is happening in your life each and every day that if you do not take the time to learn how to best connect with your spouse you are going to struggle for years to come.
If you aren’t sure how to start the conversation try taking a 20-30 minute walk with your spouse. The movement and the side-by-side conversation helps you to open up and process your feelings.
If you struggle to talk about sex together we suggest you pick up He Zigs, She Zags: Get Your Communication on the Same Path.
Ask Each Partner to Agree To “Take The Lead”
Once you both are on board you will need to set up the parameters. The two of you need to decide the days that each one of you will be responsible for taking the lead (initiating) when it comes to sex.
You are not going to have sex on all of your days, although that would be fun, but instead you are going to take the lead (initiate) on one of those days.
For example, this is how our Intimacy Lifestyle works.
On Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday I have to take the lead and initiate sex. I only has to initiate on one of those three days. We know that if we haven’t had sex on Sunday or Monday then we are sure to have it on Tuesday.
Alisa’s days to initiate and take the lead are on Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. On one of those days she takes the lead and initiates sex.
Saturday is our day off. Although, there are times that we have a bonus day and enjoy each other on this day as well.
Now, keep in mind that this is what works for us. The two of you are going to need to spend some time in discussion on what will work for you. Maybe you block days during the week like we do, maybe you alternate weeks instead, or you come up with some variation that best suits your marriage.
Whatever you choose, make the decision to stick with this for three to six months. After this time visit how it is working in your marriage.
Define the Signs
The two of you need to talk about what it means to initiate sex in your marriage. If initiating has been one-sided for the majority of your marriage then there is some work to do.
You’re not alone, as this was our marriage for many years. Over time we have talked about and learned the cues each of us make when it is our turn to initiate. Some examples are:
- Lighting candles in the bedroom
- Notes with arrows on them leading to a specific place
- A soft whisper
- Texting throughout the day
- Leaving a flower or a piece of chocolate on the pillow
- Special piece(s) of clothing
- Arriving to bed naked
- Certain touches
- Code words that can be used anywhere
We will say that learning to initiate sex is one of the toughest parts for many couples when it comes to The Intimacy Lifestyle. Take your time and learn what is best for the two of you.
It’s time to start scheduling sex in your marriage. For more information on how The Intimacy Lifestyle works in our marriage listen to the ONE Extraordinary Marriage Show – Scheduling Sex.
We have been using The Intimacy Lifestyle for four years now. It has transformed our marriage in many ways, from deep conversations, to a spiritual connection we were lacking, and it has accomplished one very big goal, one that was sorely lacking from our marriage: Sexual intimacy needs to be a priority in marriage!
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Photo: Getty Images