I’m going to keep this super simple.
This isn’t complicated.
Constant bickering creates a simmering, resentful energy that will kill your sex life.
This bickering can only occur when two or more people participate.
You have the absolute power to not participate.
Just stop arguing.
When you stop, most of your arguments will stop.
Period.
Now. Go have some sex.
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What About Her?
I don’t care about her right now. I want to help you.
She isn’t making you argue. You’re choosing to argue.
Ninety percent of your disagreements are over stupid things. Things which require no argument. Probably not even a discussion.
I know how they start too. I’ve been in your shoes.
There’s a certain tone of voice that makes your hair stand on end. Or there’s a snarky comment with implied criticism. Or there’s a prying question that makes you want to snap.
You will either react the same old way you always do and get into another pointless argument…or you can decide right now that you’re sick and tired of reacting.
You would rather respond in a way that stops the negativity dead in its tracks.
But you don’t know how to do that exactly.
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The Massive Mistake: Overreacting
Overreacting in your relationship is like poison.
This is probably the first and most important thing I help men understand.
You know the wisdom of this intuitively, don’t you?
You’re the typical high-achieving rock star at work who helplessly melts into a messy masculine puddle in front of an unhappy woman at home.
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You never overreact at work. You’re considered a source of rock solid wisdom and level headed talent. You’re respected for your ability to perform under fire and you’re calm and cool even with looming deadlines.
And you feel pretty good about yourself because of that. You feel confident in your emotions and actions at work which others find immensely admirable. Your mojo is firmly intact.
You’re the typical high-achieving rock star at work who helplessly melts into a messy masculine puddle in front of an unhappy woman at home.
Her unhappiness feels like disapproval, disappointment and judgment. You struggle for a feeling of power and worthiness which causes you to amplify your competitive urge to prove her wrong.
Then you feel a knot in your stomach which makes you raise your voice and dive into 90 minutes of worthless bickering that solves nothing but shutting down the intimacy factory and making you feel like crap.
You’ve overreacted.
And now you’re pissed…not sure if you’re madder at her or yourself. You did it again.
(Note: That was an autobiographical account of about 25 yrs. of my life.)
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Why Men Overreact So Quickly
The reason many men react so quickly to their partner’s emotional attacks, criticism and disapproval boils down to two simple things.
Insecurity and fear.
We are not secure in our own sense of value and worthiness.
And we fear the loss of her affection, respect and devotion.
Insecurity and fear make us react to negativity or conflict and they trigger our defense system into overdrive. Emotions dominate our thoughts. We enter battle. And before we know it we’ve said and done things we’re not proud of.
The man has lost his confidence, self-respect and self-control. And women don’t want to have sex with the 13 year old boy who remains.
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We know that’s not the man we really want to be.
That’s really a much younger version of ourselves doing the talking.
And that little dude really pisses us off.
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Why Overreacting Kills Your Sex Life
A mentor of mine put it this way for me once.
When we overreact to women, the youngest part of ourselves is revealed. Our insecure, fearful 13 year old boy comes out to defend himself. He is afraid of being made to feel like he’s not good enough. His only possible reaction is retaliation.
When our 13 year old boy takes over, the man in the room takes a back seat. The man has lost his power.
He’s lost his confidence, self-respect and self-control.
And women don’t want to have sex with the 13 year old boy who remains.
It’s really that simple.
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How to Respond Like a Man
When it comes to negativity and conflict it will always serve you best to choose a calm, confident, clear-headed response than to allow your 13 year old boy to react. This will typically diffuse the conflict enough to avoid a major melt down.
You will feel better about yourself…more calm…more confident…more pleased. When you feel this way, you are immensely more attractive.
The most important part of responding like a man is thinking the thoughts and taking the action that represents the man you really want to be.
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I’m not talking about accepting toxic, abusive treatment. And I’m not talking about just standing there and taking the all the blame.
Responding like a man means seeing the truth about the negativity. It’s about facing it without fear and retaliation. It’s about knowing it probably isn’t all about you anyway.
A mature, masculine response includes calm curiosity. A willingness to listen and discuss. A decision to not argue…even if that’s where she’s trying to take you.
Her complaint may have some validity and it may just be venting. Either way, the best response is a calm, deliberate attempt to understand it and address it…not attack it.
If you disagree with her, then disagree. No argument or apology required.
And if you agree, well then, you’ve got something to work on.
The most important part of responding like a man is thinking the thoughts and taking the action that represents the man you really want to be.
And if you’re not crystal clear about who that is yet, it’s never too late to start figuring it out.
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Free Tip for the Ladies: Men have insecurities and fears just like you. You know exactly how to trigger those fears when you want to. Try doing less of that and see how much better the day goes.
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Some men are not crystal clear about the man they really want to be. And when you don’t know where you stand, you’ll fall (and react) for anything. Here’s a free ebook to help you figure out who you are and what you want. The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage. Click Here to get it.
Photo: kastavnn/Flickr
The funny thing is that I know what the author is trying to say, but I also had the gut reaction of “But wait, standing there and copping abuse isn’t being a man”. As always, the truth is somewhere in the middle. Any partner who attacks your sore spots or personality, or you as a person as opposed to your behavior has a lot of growing up to do. ASSUMING that your partner isn’t being personal and you’re having an adult argument, then by all means, take a little detachment and play the devil’s advocate against yourself. If you can… Read more »
Women who know their husbands or partners will step away from an argument will continue to escalate their behaviour since they know they have an upper hand and will continue to be abusive throughout the relationship. I have helped defend two men from their abusive wives who took pleasure in attacking their husbands who silently put up with everything. One woman took it further by grabbing a knife and slashing her husband. My husband and I helped file charges against her to get him out of a horrid relationship. The other man reacted back in rage one day. He drew… Read more »
“Why Overreacting Kills Your Sex Life”
I don’t think it’s neccessarily the “reacting like a 13 year old boy” that kills a sex life.
If we back up one step and look at the baseline of the situation you describe here, I think most men would step away from an immature, raging 14 year old girl in the first place.
Unfortunately, this article can be summed up to ostensibly mean that if you’re a man, let your wife’s bad behavior slide, but control your own because sex.
Everyone should control their temper and “don’t sweat the small stuff”, but let’s be real here; you’ll effectively create a narcissist whose actions go unchallenged all the while you bear the brunt repeatedly.
I can see resentment, hate and eventually divorce as the corollary to this.
do you believe there is no way to challenge bad treatment without being a reactionary 13 yr old? How should a confident, secure man confront bad treatment? Directly, decisively and unapologetically – without drama or concern for the outcome…that’s how.
Great comments from everyone. Guys, I’m proud of the way you responded without attacking Lindsay for her views. Responding…not reacting. Beautifully done. Lindsay, your feelings and viewpoint are to be respected. While I don’t appreciate the tone and insults, I get that you feel strongly about your opinion and were triggered by my tone as well. Let’s make it a conversation, shall we? I write specifically for the male reader – as if he is sitting right in front of me having a beer. Many women like to listen in on these conversations. And many of those women know they… Read more »
Well said. Asking someone to respond doesn’t mean asking them to accept bad behavior or be inauthentic. Its about taking the time to think of who you are and want to be and holding yourself to that higher more authentic standard vice reacting which is usually from a place of hurt, fear, anger and old wounds and often not who we really want to be. It is a very hard lesson for both sexes to learn and even after you learn it you will likely do it sometimes still. Hopefully your partner will be on their game the day it… Read more »
The same can be said for interacting with children. They always know exactly how to press the buttons of the parents to get attention. As long as the parent stays calm, the situation is under control. The same goes for relationships, work, anything.
When the wife starts getting angry, it always helps if I don’t climb the mountain of anger with her. Drop what you are doing, pay attention and listen. That is all that is required.
I have to say that hit home with me. It takes two to tango. I feel you have hit the jackpot on this article. I desire peace and harmony over sex, and you have given me the tools I need to create a healthier marriage. Thank you Steve. I subscribe too your articles in times of need. And I appreciate the simplicity of your wisdom.
truly cringeworthy article written in a condescending manner. As a woman if I read an article written this way but aimed towards women I would ask to have this writer banned from this site. Articles like this have no place in helping men and only reinforces the toxic narrative that men are the only ones at fault for everything. I’m glad that a woman didn’t write this ignorant trash.
Responding like a man? Really? So men’s should be a doormat for “unhappy” abuse so that he can get sex. Wow.
nice carrot to throw out there.
Lindsay,
Why are you choosing to argue.?
What are your a fraud of?
How would the dialog (mutual self-revelation) between women and men be different, if the response to a man sharing his honest and authentic views and insights with other men be if the response is curiosity, exploration, listening without assigning meaning or judgment?
What is the need for control and censorship, labeling things as ignorant trash, and other means of derision that permeates society, really accomplishing? Is wanting to shield ourselves from the cognitive dissonance of views divergent from our own (one both sides) enhancing communication and relationship?
Hi Lindley
I think if Steve had aimed the article specifically at women it would have been phrased differently, but great that you read it and took time to comment. What is it that upsets you? That Steve says to forget about our partners…or the suggestion that men will get more sex by following his advice? I feel it’s one or both of these. I don’t see a suggestion that men act as doormats anywhere. Just that responding rather than reacting is far better. What do you think?
Hi Lindsay,
I think it is good that you read articles that are directed towards men. It shows that you want to understand from both perspectives.
Let me ask your opinion. How would you change this article contructively?
Mark
Lindsay, You know how two people can look at the same piece of art and come away with two different perspectives….neither of them wrong, but personally “true and valid” to them individually? This truly ISN’T one of those occasions. I have read and re-read the article and can find no mention or suggestion that men are “always” at fault or should be a “doormat for abuse”…..he, in fact, specifically notes that he is not referring to that scenario. So where does the feeling that this is condescending come from? Where does your anger arise from? The suggestion to try to… Read more »
First, I’d like to applaud the writing and effort that is expressed here. It takes a fair amount of courage to “put yourself” out there and be honestly raw about it. These writers aren’t here for your approval. They are here to openly express their perspective on a similar and albeit touchy subject at times. How some of them choose to write is unique and really down to earth. My hat’s off to you. This being said… To Lindsay… You come across an intelligent woman. One whom can voice an opinion. There are several points you raise from your perspective… Read more »
GREAT post. Thank you.