Here are a few tips that I use that I’ve learned from experience, dating coaches and psychology to help me overcome anxiety when I see a girl I want to approach, or when I am getting ready for a date.
Tip 1: Cut the fear, and approach her immediately
In the pick-up/success with women community, we are taught that you should approach a girl quickly, as your fear will ruin the approach or likely not make you say hi at all. So, what can you do if you are feeling anxious and shy?
Approach her immediately. Take the headphones out of your ears, call your friend back later and approach her.
Obviously this is a harder type of tip to implement, however, it is extremely effective for getting over your fear quickly and building character, as you will notice that you become more of a fearless person after doing this over time. Give yourself less than 3 seconds to approach.
Tip 2: Gradually desensitize yourself
So let’s say the first tip is too frightening for you and makes your stomach turn over.
A second option is doing less scary things before talking to a girl or going on the date. Examples include : talk to a shop staff member (they always have to be polite), ask directions from people, ask for the time, or just give a compliment to a girl and then walk away. You can also yell in a private or public area and pretend it wasn’t you. A funny one is yelling out penis. This is effective, as it unstifles you psychologically.
Generally, these can be fun to do, but you need to make sure you gradually amping up the actions you are doing, all the way to the point where you are approaching a girl and attempting to have a full conversation, or to the point where you are comfortable enough to be on the date. If you don’t amp up the actions, you will likely still be anxious.
Tip 3: Mingling
This pertains mainly to nightclubs, as they tend to be areas where there are many people in one area who are stationary.
Mingling means to just start talking to anyone and everyone. This means hot girls, girls you are not interested in, guys, bouncers, bartenders etc… It entails that you do not have an agenda, and rather are just being social to be social. This is very useful to remove anxiety, as socializing with people actually is a natural remedy for anxiety (provided that it’s a non-confrontational conversation. Eject if this is the case).
Having a fun conversation with people just calms you down, and is a good way to work the club without getting a rep that night of the ‘predator’, the guy who’s approached every girl and is now coming off pushy. Been there, and done that, so this is why you want to mingle with everyone early on, make friends, and then flirt harder as the night goes on. You can literally talk about anything, and can even talk about the weather. All that matters is that you are talking to people. If you are going on a date, you can either go in a bar and mingle, or you can meet some friends and just start having a fun conversation for a couple of minutes or an hour.
Tip 4: Introduce people to other people.
Connecting to mingling, another method of removing anxiety is by being the connector, the social guy who is helping others get over their anxiety. You can do this by talking a girl or guy, and then when you see a cute girl pass by, you tap her shoulder and say hi. Then when you have her complete attention, introduce her to the person you were talking to before. You essentially want to create a social circle on the spot.
In order to this properly, two things have to be in place :
1) The girl you are already talking to likes you.
2) You have an excuse and premise why the girl you just stopped should talk to your friend (She loves your dress/ you look adorable/ join the party and hang!)
In the pick-up/success with women community, we call this “merging sets“. Merge which means to combine, a Set meaning an interaction. Do this, and your anxiety will drop over time, and you will notice that you will be the most popular guy in the club, and maybe even have girls approach you!
Tip 5: Get a wingman!
A wingman is essentially a buddy who helps you get the girl by occupying her friends.
A wingman can also be a good motivator and person to talk to when you are feeling anxious. Many times, I have found myself either pushing my friends to talk to girls, or had them pushing me to talk to a girl when I felt scared, and this proved to be very effective. Some of my best friends are my wingmen, and we help each other out by talking to the girl`s friends, or by motivating and encouraging each other.
Plus, you can really have a lot of fun and party with your wingman as well, as generally going clubbing or meeting with girls alone can be boring, however, many times you may not have a choice specifically if you see the girl and you are alone.
As a sidenote, you can also have a wing woman, but this is up to you. I generally find that if you are using having a girl with you as a crutch, you will struggle without her, and if she approaches for you, this lowers your value a lot and can kill attraction in the hot girls eyes. If used properly, however, you can really get girl’s comfortable quicker as they see that you are already chosen by women.
Tip 6: Self-amusement
So this is a bit of complex concept, but here it is in a nutshell : Self-amusement is a state of mind where you are doing things to amuse yourself rather than seeking a reaction.
In the pick-up/success with women community, there is a massive emphasis on this, as not seeking a reaction actually reduces your anxiety, makes you carefree, and actually gets girls chasing for your attention without doing much.
Most guys seek a reaction when talking to girls, and this is a knee-jerk response when you feel anxious or are unsure of how much value you have in a social situation. So, with that mentioned, find ways to amuse yourself.
Here are some examples :
– You talk to the girl and stroke your hair whispering to yourself ‘I have such beautiful hair…’ in a funny way. You can also tell the girl this.
– You can sing along to the music and make a parody of the lyrics.
– Talk to a group of girls and have your wingman pull you out of the interaction and say to the girls ‘Excuse me!??? This is boys night only, don’t flirt with my boyfriend.’ You can say you are joking after.
– If a girl asks you to buy her a drink, say you are on welfare in a joking way.
Self-amusing yourself is not that difficult. In fact, most of us do it when we are bored and don’t feel judged. In general, you want to avoid seeking a reaction from girls, and rather focus on amusing yourself in order to reduce anxiety and a need for an outcome.
Tip 7: Change your perspective
A lot of the root of you anxiety is part biology, large part perspective. Imagine if you knew women wanted you to meet them and were receptive to you, your anxiety would reduce drastically and you would have a higher chance of having the guts to approach them.
Perspective is everything, and this is why you need to constantly be aware of how you are thinking about meeting girls in person or on a date. This is critical, as the girl can feel your anxiety when she speaks to you, and anxiety will make her feel anxious.
Here are some perspectives to use that I found to be effective :
There is nothing to gain, nothing lose. Only an opportunity.
The world is abundant of women, so one lost is not the end of the world.
What one man could do, another man could do.
Even if I say hi and she leaves, at least I made her day as many guys do not have the guts to approach her.
Girl`s just want to be swept away. I am going to give her that opportunity.
Try these tips out and keep in mind that these tips are about long-term growth, however, can show results immediately when using them. If you are serious about getting better results with women, anxiety is something you must control, so get started and let me know how it goes!
Photo: Getty Images
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