Sami Holden questions whether kissing on the first date matters.
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GMP Readers – very soon we’ll have the brilliantly talented Theo Stockman as our next celebrity guest advice provider. You may have seen him in the Grammy winning Broadway show American Idiot or the Tony winning Broadway revival of Hair. Most recently he’s been in this season’s Inside Amy Schumer. Basically, he’s everywhere and will be taking a moment from his busy life to provide some dating advice for all of you. Send in your love/dating/relationship questions for him (and me) to [email protected]. Let’s get to this week’s advice…
Dear Sami,
I went out with my dream girl! I think the date went well, but I always feel a bit oblivious when it comes to what should occur on a first date. I think there was a moment where I could’ve kissed her, but it passed by so quickly. I chose not to kiss her. Will she think I’m not interested because I didn’t go for it?
Sincerely,
I Missed the Kiss
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Dear You Missed the Kiss,
If you watch enough TV, they’ll have you thinking that not kissing on the first date is the end of the world. There’s reality TV shows where people are naked on their first date. Those people end up together forever, right? I have no license to provide advice. If an action movie was made around me it would be entitled Sami Holden: Licence to Kiss. Get it? Because James Bond? No? OK, let’s move on…
There are no set dating rules. Throw them out. There is no “this must be done by this point.” That leads to too much pressure, and dating these days has enough of that. Congratulations on going out with your dream girl. My first concern is you referring to her as your dream girl. This tells me you have her placed pretty high up on a pedestal. Make sure that while you are going out on these dates, you are truly trying to get to know the real her and not just continuing to see what you want her to be. If you get to know the real her and she’s as amazing as you thought, that is so great! However, if you are placing unrealistic expectations upon her, things will unravel quickly leaving you with feelings of disillusionment. We’re all just humans (if there are incognito aliens on Earth reading this, it may apply to you as well – not trying to leave you out) with flaws and quirks.
It was one of those weird hugs that you would give a relative you barely know. Do you remember when you were in middle school and your parent tried to hug you in public, but you wanted none of that?
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You didn’t ruin anything by not going in for the kiss! If every first date I went on ended with a kiss, I would’ve developed a strong aversion to dating. I could tell on some occasions that my date was completely misreading the situation. It was made evident when they asked me out again. If they all would’ve tried to kiss me? No. Do not want. In all of the dates I have gone on, there have been very few instances where a first date ended with a kiss. It was statistically (I math-ed this out) much more likely to occur on a second date, and I was fairly certain by that point whether I liked them or not. It is possible for the other person to lose interest if too many dates go by without any tell-tale signs of things progressing. I remember a guy I went on five dates with over the course of a month. He finally hugged me goodbye at the end of date five. It was one of those weird hugs that you would give a relative you barely know. Do you remember when you were in middle school and your parent tried to hug you in public, but you wanted none of that? It was like that! By then I was sort of over it. No pressure on the kiss-portion, but make sure she knows you are at least interested. Some people have sex on a first date. If you only feel comfortable holding hands on a second date, that’s fine. Everything is fine because there are no solid rules. We can only assess each situation as it comes along.
Now to take even more pressure off of you…it is not your responsibility to take complete control of how your dating experience with her unfolds. Men do not have to plan all of the dates. Men do not have to pay for everything. Men do not have to always make the first move. Honestly, for the longest time I waited for the guy to make the move. I’d go on each date and if I liked him I would sit passively hoping he would kiss me because then I’d know he was interested. Younger me was a fool! I finally went on a date with someone where all I could think about was kissing him while we were together. Eating pizza – I wanted to kiss him. Watching a movie – I wanted to kiss him. When he finally walked me to my car on the second date I was certain he was going to kiss me, except it didn’t happen. He was shy. I decided to be impulsive and brave and after he hugged me goodbye, I kissed him. I shocked myself, but I wasn’t going to let a perfectly good kissing moment go by because I was trying to fit into some role of “how to be a woman on date two 101.” I can say I’m exceptionally glad I made that decision! It is within the realm of possibility that on your next date, she might go in for the kiss.
Keep an open mind to all the possibilities of how things could play out.
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I hope that if you are truly interested in seeing her again, you will not wait to communicate with her. There’s nothing wrong with an “I had a great time” text being sent shortly after the first date is over. You don’t have to ask her out immediately. See how she replies to that text. If you’d like another date, it’s worthwhile to ask her the next day. Don’t make the other person wait. Even better, maybe she’ll ask you. Yes, this happens. I’ve definitely set plans for future dates.
All of the responsibility for the progression of dates and becoming physical does not fall solely upon your shoulders. There are two people in this situation. Keep an open mind to all the possibilities of how things could play out. Above and beyond everything else, enjoy being around her. Kissing is great. Being physical is great, but it’s better with someone who you can laugh along with if your teeth accidentally knock. Date someone who you can be yourself around. Date someone who makes you smile. Kissing is instinctual. Don’t overthink it and definitely don’t compare your experiences to other people’s dating experiences. It’ll happen when the time is right, and you’re only on your own dating timeline.
Here’s for better dating days ahead,
~Sami
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Send your pressing questions for Sami to answer for Dating in the Digital Age to [email protected].
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This post is republished on Medium.
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