I listened to an interesting segment on the BBC’s Women’s Hour the other day, in which author Tahmima Anam talked about the art of silence when working in a sexist environment. Taken aback by the sexism she experienced on entering the tech world a decade ago, Tahmima came to the conclusion that-
‘If women felt they didn’t always have to be likeable at work, they could hold silence instead of feeling like they have to fill it.’
We raise women to be ‘nice’ and accommodating as a society. But, as Tahmima pointed out, that often makes us talk to fill awkward silences or smooth over unpleasant situations. While we should definitely rein that in, there’s another reason for employing the silent treatment. Selective deafness is often appropriate when you know someone’s trying to needle or shock you. As with tiresome toddlers or teens, any reaction is better than none for such people. Although my mission is to provide words for women, I often discuss silence as an option, including not laughing along with everyone else. What better way to make a so-called joke fall flat than by completely ignoring it?
You can also enhance the silence with non-verbal language. For example, an almost imperceptible shake of the head when they don’t deserve a response, a raised eyebrow when a childish joke is shared, or a stare-down when they insult you. If you are in the middle of a sentence when the sexist comment occurs, hold that silence for a good five seconds before continuing.
It’s a tough one, though
As Tahmima says in the radio segment, although everyone should call out sexism when it happens, you don’t always want to be the one highlighting every inappropriate comment, especially if you like your job. While there’s no defending sexism, sometimes it’s done by a clueless rather than a malicious person, and you may not have time to explain what’s wrong. Apart from anything else, we’d never get any work done if we called out every instance of sexism. Silence, therefore, is a way to register a smidgeon of disapproval without burning bridges or torpedo-ing your career.
Infuriatingly, however, sometimes the sexist doesn’t get the messaging of silence, or worse, thinks he’s stunned you into it (which can happen). The social media equivalent is the troll who announces victory because you decide that a no-avatar new account with two followers isn’t worth your time. Your lack of response is a clear sign to him that he’s ‘won’ the debate. In real life, he winks or smirks at you before walking away, or looks around for anyone else’s approval in the vicinity. (At this point, I would advise against the understandable temptation to scream after him at full belt since this will definitely look like his victory.)
We wouldn’t be human, though, if, once in a while, we didn’t want to deliver a withering retort that not only corrects the record but makes the sexist think twice before repeating such nonsense. So next time someone says,
“It must be that time of the month”, try
“You must be period-shaming”.
Ask your next mansplainer, “Are you telling me this because it’s your area of expertise or because you have a penis?”
It feels good! (Caveat — keep your safety in mind at all times.)
The backlash
The threat of a backlash hovers in many women’s minds when calling out sexism. A lot of people don’t like it when you take a stand. From accusations that “You’re too sensitive” to professional and personal threats, women walk a fine line when deciding what to do.
Silence comes in very handy with one ubiquitous form of backlash: Gaslighting. This happens when the manipulator tries to get you to question your reality, memory or perceptions. If you hear “You’re crazy”, “You have issues”, or denials such as “I never said that”, it’s probably gaslighting, and arguing gives it oxygen. Furthermore, since gaslighters use their own version of events, it’s often pointless anyway.
If silence isn’t an option, keep your focus razor-sharp when replying to a gaslighter. The intent is always to get you off track and, if possible, argue about accusations introduced to distract and blame you.
When someone denies what you know to be true, try:
“You and I both know what happened, so let’s get back to the issue.”
“That doesn’t change my point, which is ….”
“Yelling at me doesn’t change the facts.” (Gaslighters often respond with aggression.)
Whether it’s a well-placed silence or a pithy retort, with most forms of sexism, the aim is to dispense with it as quickly and concisely as possible.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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