Today, I am a fashionista.
The shelf of socks at the local big box store flutter in an air-conditioned breeze. So many fabrics; so many choices. Will these socks for a six-year-old present well in New York? Paris?
I need to be bold because that is what I see in the world when it comes to parenting. Gold sunglasses on a two-year-old flair magazine covers. Are the socks I’m going to pick out more of a winter white or a summer white? How do they pair with a Gucci belt? Will my child be the talk of the kindergarten? Hmm. I should tweet at a Kardashian after I make my choice of socks.
Today, I am an upbeat kitchen show host.
I have bought three-hundred dollars of groceries to make one snack in the afternoon. The alfalfa sprouts will add a nice decorative touch as it sits on a clean leaf of arugula. Yes, very nice.
Look at my smile, so chipper and sincere. And I’ll add a tomato rose just to the side sprinkled with truffle olive oil. I cook like this all the time.
Never do I throw a frozen pizza in the oven because soccer practice is at 5:30 and volleyball for my older daughter is at 6:15. The best use of my time is to spend ten hours making an after-school snack. Homemade bread should be ready in only fifty-three minutes which I will somehow pull out of the oven while I’m in the car driving everyone to their many activities.
I’m the best parent.
Today, I am a house flipper.
My home would look so much better with pebbled kitchen backsplashes that in no way have lots of cracks that are impossible to clean. Spaghetti sauce is a natural anti-fungal treatment. And when I’m done with that, I will move on to purchasing new furniture that looks like cardboard but it’s not. It could totally take the abuse of my three children and white is always the best color for a couch.
Curtain rods are important when thinking about the resell value of my home. I’ve got a deal down at Macy’s and it only costs my child’s college fund for a set. This is a home detail that my family will totally notice. Parenting is easier when I don’t have to worry about college funds.
Today, I am a calm parent and my mini-van is immaculate.
There are no fast food wrappers here. Heaven’s no! And no child of mine has dumped an entire box of red juice on any of the surfaces.
Nothing has it leaked down into the gear shift. There are no sticky substances that make it weird to go from drive to park. I am waiting for my child outside of our properly funded school. I read a self-help book about the power of positive thinking.
It occurs to me, as I’m not stuffing my face with any last minute dinner, that I am positive I am parenting the right way. The way people write about in magazines, how they show us on TV shows. I’m just like the celebrity on Instagram. My non-sticky fingers do not leave smears on the pages of my perfectly unstained book.
Today, I am a joyous minimalist.
Everything goes in a cubby. All the toys are put away and separated. I have buckets for each individual item that my children play with. There is the Lego bucket, the Thomas the Train bucket, and the Barbie shoe bucket. No toys are on the floor.
How would that work? I can’t imagine. I can easily walk around my house without ever tripping over anything at all. My feet will never get tangled in someone’s extra blanket that they forgot to put away. I do not have any buckets for broken toys because those do not exist. The documentary crew will soon be here so that I can show how I am the maximized minimalist.
Today, I am me.
The curtain rods have been pulled off the wall and I need to fix them. One of the car windows won’t roll down and there is something on the floorboard that scuttles around when I turn. Tonight, for dinner, I’m going to make quick microwaved burritos and then I’ll take a nap in the stands of whatever practice I am attending. When I get the chance to read, it will be something with explosions and have no redeeming value other than entertaining me for twenty minutes before I go to bed. My son stops by as I sit in my chair that has crayon marks on it and thanks me for picking out white socks. This way he doesn’t have to worry about if they match with his other white socks.
Today, I take my victories and stop paying attention to what is presented to me in the media about how to be a good parent.