10. Uggs
As Hugo Schwyzer points out, women’s fashion isn’t meant to be about what guys want to see; it’s about what women want to wear. And that’s how it should be. But that doesn’t mean we can’t whinge about the nauseating popularity and transcendent ugliness of Uggs. You want to wear something comfortable? OK, we’re guys, we understand—but how about a pair of sneakers?
Next: Testicles
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9. ‘Growing a Pair’
In August, Sarah Palin famously said that Arizona Governor Jan Brewer “has the cojones that our president does not have,” apparently unaware that women are born without this dingly-dangly courage center. In 2010, Republican candidates engaged in a string of post-feminist, post-logical attacks, telling everyone to “man up.” Thankfully their attempts to change millions of years of evolution have been unsuccessful, and you still don’t need balls to be brave.
Next: Sex
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8. Sex and the City
Four insufferable women. One insufferable voiceover that tries (and fails) to make the most banal and/or meaningless statements sound profound. This show doesn’t just make guys groan and roll their eyes, it makes them want to kick the TV in. But the real reason men hate it is because every time a woman we love thinks she’s “a Carrie” instead of a human being, we die a little inside. The show pretends to expose society’s slut-shaming double standards and to promote the idea that 30-something women can be financially (and otherwise) independent, sexually liberated forces of nature. And of course that’s true—we didn’t really need HBO to tell us that—but the real effect of the show is to elevate shopping and an unhealthy obsession with clothes and appearance as life-guiding principles (if you wonder how much influence it actually had on young women’s attitudes about what they should be buying, ask college-town bartenders how many Cosmopolitans they poured in 2003). But OK, consumerism is an American problem, not a female problem. So how about the central story arc, the essence of which is that a woman will forever chase the guy who treats her like shit?
Don’t even get us started on the movies.
Next: Marriage
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7. Weddings
Sex and the City is terrible, but nothing has promoted shameless materialism and empty values on the scale of the Marriage Industry. Watch SATC and you probably won’t be tied down and forced to guzzle Cosmos; get married and your closest friends and family will guilt, shame, and cajole you into spending tens of thousands of dollars and nine months of your free time on shit that won’t make you happy and won’t have any effect on the success of your actual marriage. If they really loved you they’d let you elope and make a down payment on a starter house.
Next: The Knife
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6. Bridalplasty
As if we needed any illustration of how crazy-making the Marriage Industry has become, there’s a reality show wherein engaged women compete to win the wedding—and plastic surgery procedure—of their dreams. The winner isn’t allowed to see her groom until the wedding day, when her new look is revealed. Is she getting her face butchered for the wedding or her husband? Either way, it’s bad for women, the country, the world, the human race, and really just too fucked up for words.
Next: Guilty Pleasures
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5. Reality TV
The Bachelor, America’s Next Top Model, Rock of Love, Bridezillas, My Super Sweet 16, Toddlers and Tiaras, The Swan, Joe Millionaire, Married by America, For Love or Money, Jersey Shore, Farmer Wants a Wife, Flavor of Love, I Love New York, The Cougar … shall we go on?
Next: Downtown Disco Balls
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4. Vajazzling
It’s when a woman glues crystals to her “vajayjay.” And yes, it’s real. Why would women do this? It’s not entirely clear. Is it art? Is it peacocking? Ladies: we’re already excited about your pubic area. You don’t have to rip out all the hair and glue stuff to it.
More than being wildly unnecessary, it’s a little scary. Nevermind that coitus with a vajazzled women will almost certainly lead to an unintended case of glitterballs—given the popularity of “manscaping” and Spanx for men, we’re worried about what might come next. Dickeration?
Next: Hoo-Ha
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3. The Word ‘Vajayjay’
Just because it’s cute and furry, does that mean you have to give it a stupid name? It’s a beautiful thing—you shouldn’t be embarrassed by it. But you should be embarrassed to call it a vajayjay.
Next: The Obvious Choice …
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2. Paris Hilton
A shoe-in for this and our forthcoming Top 10 Worst Things to Happen to Dogs list, Paris Hilton’s resume—if you can really call it that—includes being famous for vacuousness, a widely disseminated sex tape, and, more recently, (allegedly) hiding cocaine in her vagina to get it past airport security.
Next: Assault With a Deadly Weapon
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1. Axe Body Spray
Just take a shower, bro.
Our good friends at The Frisky have compiled a list of the Top 10 Worst Things to Happen to Men This Millennium. We recommend you check it out; those ladies know their stuff.