Relationship coach Chris Armstrong surveyed 15,000 women for their top relationship deal breakers.
Everyone has showstoppers in relationships. These are things that we just can’t look past when it comes to our mate. It’s a question I ask in every relationship learning lecture and session I do. To date, that amounts to 14,876 women and this is an aggregate view of their top 5 relationship showstoppers.
But first, let me just say that I am not capturing those responses that touched on physical attributes.
1. Indecisiveness: Oh, we’ve explored this one before in an article titled “Nice (Timid) Guys Finish Last”. Quick and easy recap here. Women don’t want to date someone that has a “whatever you want honey” response to questions nor do they want to date someone who just doesn’t take charge. It’s quite simple really. There has to be give and take, or one of the two people in the relationship is going to feel as if they’re the only one driving the car and, if that’s going to be the case, why not just have a bicycle? Oh yeah, because they’re boring!
2. Deadbeat father: I was initially shocked that this garnered the 2nd most votes. My shock did not come from some naivety behind the problem some men seem to have with being responsible fathers but more so because it tells me how many women would either date men with children or the simple fact they think about this detail regardless of their status as a mother.
But, the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. ‘If he’s a deadbeat dad, then how will that lack of responsibility and nurturing translate to a potential relationship with me?’ Or, ‘I’m a parent and I can’t imagine what kind of a soulless person could simply ignore the needs of their children.’ Sounds like a reasonable showstopper to me.
3. No/Limited Prospects: I always find it funny when people think it’s shallow to want to date someone that has prospects. Taking it a step further, people will assume that because they have a job then that’s the same as having prospects and, they feel like a woman must be a gold digger if she’s looking for someone with more.
Let me say first that this can certainly be the case but it can also be true that a woman would simply feel that if a guy doesn’t have a lot of money and has a long-term view of working, for instance, as an assistant manager at some fast food chain, then the ability to go on vacations, be able to help their kids through college, not live paycheck to paycheck, etc…. goes out the window.
In short: If he doesn’t care to improve his life, then he may not care to make a better life for the family as a whole. Compound this with the fact that women are in the workplace and don’t need someone to take care of them and, obviously, don’t want to feel as though they have to take care of someone else.
4. Lazy/Unhealthy: “I refuse to date another guy who loves his video games more than the sun on his back!”, stated a woman rather emphatically at an empowerment session I did a month ago. She’s not alone in her frustrations. Women are putting laziness and lack of physical ambition higher on their showstopper list every day. To them, there are so many fun ways to expend energy that don’t require a Coors Light and a recliner. ‘Why aren’t we hiking? What about yoga? There’s an outdoor musical festival, let’s go!’
5. Passive WRT Sex!: Again. Women no longer need a man to get by. It’s been about 50 years since college, travel, and technology have shed light on things ye’ old housewives wouldn’t have had any exposure to. Of course, this directly relates to fewer marriages, more women in the workplace, higher divorce rate, etc…. And no, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. I’d rather that women be free to be (even with the aforementioned consequences) than be trapped in marriages of convenience (for the man).
But, my good friends, everyone has needs, and sex is certainly one of them. Of course, women are going to say that a passive guy isn’t going to cut it. And, drum roll, the explanation is quite simple. I’m more confident, I’ve had some dull relationships (read: sex), and I’ve played the ‘weaker’ or the ‘understanding one.’ If we’re to be, then you need to take that leap and make it worthwhile: says the woman.
So what are men’s showstoppers? Slow down grasshopper, we’ll get to that in a future article.
P.S. Just below the Top 5 was men who are non-conversant.
Originally published on DivorcedMoms.