What is wrong with boys these days? Tony Amore turns the hose on those rabid teenagers.
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After reading some of the creepy texts sent to my daughter, or hearing about “requests” made of some of her middle school friends, I have a simple question:
What is wrong with us men?
Pretty much for time immemorial boys have been hormonal beasts. Social media however has turned them into raging idiots. Look let’s be clear: I can only speak about the motivations of the average heterosexual male, as I am one; I can only speak from the perspective of a father of two teenage daughters, in his mid-40s.
Now that we’ve taken care of full disclosure I will once again ask: what is wrong with these horny little bastards?
At the risk of sounding like some decrepit curmudgeon, what are things coming to when boys between the ages of 11 and 14 think it acceptable to text young women and request photos of their specific body parts, criticize the size and shape of other girl’s body parts, and then reply with “lol” when they are called out on it? Somehow these young men believe that this perceived intimacy created out of cell phones and social media allows for them to ask, no demand, more that they deserve.
The nightmarish part is that this trend does not stop with the 14 year-old alone. These behavioral practices towards girls and young women are exacerbated throughout adolescence and into young adulthood. Unfortunately, some have questioned the legitimacy of the rise in sexual assaults against women on college campuses, and this attempts to minimize the trend of devaluing women in American society.
In recent weeks Rolling Stone’s article profiling an alleged gang rape victim at the University of Virginia fraternity was debunked as shoddy journalism. Unfortunately, this too helps some to argue that the problem of sexual stereotyping of women in our culture does not exist in any greater or lesser degree that it always has. Some such as conservative columnist George Will suggested that the problem isn’t a problem at all.
I know, right?
Technology and the ever-present display of female objectification does not help either. Social media seems to create more frequent opportunities for reductive and derivative attitudes and behaviors to root themselves in public and private discourse. Let’s be clear: I am not a Luddite decrying the scourge of technology. I have said this before—social media is a tool. I cannot blame the ills of society on Facebook anymore that I can lay fault with my hammer for striking my thumb.
That being said, I can blame us for the way we choose to use the tool. If I am using the hammer to open walnuts and I hurt myself, well, you get the picture.
Snapchat, for example is a parent’s nightmare. Now for those of you who don’t know, Snapchat is an app through which one can send a photo, text message or both which will then “self destruct” after the recipient opens the message, a la Mission Impossible. The message then leaves no trace. The application fosters the illusion that what is being sent is a secret, somewhat private communication between two parties. Problem is that if the sender leaves a lag time (5 seconds, 10 seconds) allowing the message to stay “open,” the recipient can screen shot the image. This is where things can get nuts. Those photos then can take on a life of their own. Parents, you see the dilemma, yes?
Again, Snapchat is not the problem it is merely a symptom. What then is the disease?
America’s relationship with sex, the human body, and the relentless objectification of both.
When it was just television and magazines that used sex to sell by offering up unrealistic beauty standards as well as unrealistic portrayals of human sexuality, a parent could construct ways to avoid the visual stimuli and build teachable moments out of exposure to said stimuli. However, today that imagery and messaging exists on multiple platforms and most of them reside in your child’s back pocket.
And if your 12-15 year-old is anything like mine, her back pockets are often out of your reach for most of the day.
Consider too the critical distance between sender and receiver of sexually charged communication. The demolition of physical space has led to a misinterpretation of personal space and propriety. If you don’t have to use your voice, actually speak the words to a person’s face, that reduces any hesitancy to ask for that which you desire no matter how inappropriate such a request might be. Decorum becomes non-existent when the lines between public sphere and private space become blurred if not erased altogether by the magic mirror of social media.
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In the United States, meaningful sex education is virtually non-existent.
Ultra-conservatives have established the erroneous argument that by teaching children about sex, they will then have more sex and have babies and this will inevitably lead to the fall of the republic. Or, some feel this to be an over-reach into the private lives of American citizens.
The first argument is bogus. And the second, well honestly, families rarely have the deeper conversations that need to take place. How your children behave in public, at proms, and frat parties is everyone’s business especially when our sons decide it’s acceptable to slip Molly into the punch in an attempt to get our daughters to take off their clothes.
Perhaps this is a private matter that families should deal with in the home, true, but when the repercussions are seen in the prevailing attitudes that demean women and girls, someone is failing somewhere.
If we did engage in more meaningful, more realistic sexual education then maybe findings such as this would not be so prevalent, or so shocking:
Although adolescents make up less than 10% of the population, an estimated 20% to 50% of all rapes occur against them, and six of 10 forcible rapes occur before the rape survivor reaches age 18.[5-7]
Ageton[8] reported 67% of raped adolescent and college-age women involved an acquaintance. Ageton’s[8] findings showed that between 7% and 9% of the adolescent female population has been raped, and 1 million teen-age females are raped each year. This study calculated that 1.5 million rapes occurred in each of the five years of the National Youth Survey.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeThis same study also seems to suggest that the majority of sexual assaults seem to originate in “sexual stereotyping myths.” So before you dismiss the relevance of a 20 year old study let me ask the following questions:
- Do sexual stereotyping myths exist?
- Would you consider sexual stereotyping myths more or less pervasive today when compared to 10, 15, or 20 years ago?
- If sexual stereotyping myths exist what mechanisms allow for their persistence and pervasiveness in our culture?
In case you are wondering, here are some examples of SSMs (sexual stereotype myths):
- a man is not a man unless he has sex with multiple partners
- a woman/girl wearing a short skirt and skimpy shirt is asking for it
- a man has a right to demand sex if he buys a woman an expensive dinner
- if a woman/girl is making out with a man and things get out of hand then it is her fault
Still think the findings from 1995 are outdated and old-fashioned?
April is sexual assault awareness month. My wife and one of our friends posted separate posts on Facebook trying to raise awareness. Clearly people saw it but few “liked” it. A cupcake recipe gets more “likes” than something important such as this.
Oh, I’m sorry does the subject of rape bring you down, put a crimp in the seamless texture of one’s falsified, Facebook persona?
All this miraculous technology that people around the globe are using to fuel revolution and dissent, and we are hesitant to use it in order to address an uncomfortable truth that one forcible rape occurs in the U.S. every 6.2 minutes (FBI.gov)?
Any man who assaults a woman disrespects women. He objectifies them. He has not been taught how to desire women without seeing them as objects, or as meat. He has not learned the balance between sexual desire and social decorum; and he certainly has not learned the meaning of respect. This is the middle school boys joking about his classmates flat chest; the fraternity brothers holding a wet t-shirt contest as a fundraiser; the middle-aged men cat-calling to the young women downtown on their lunch breaks.
Some will ask, “Well what about the girls? Don’t they share some of the blame too?”
No. No, they don’t.
No one, let me repeat, NO ONE has a right to another person’s body no matter how they dress, look or act. You have no right to demand, to force, to take anything that is not offered. That is common sense. That is respect. My daughter ultimately has the right to decide what to do with her body, but my plan is to build her self-respect so that she understands that the images media offers us are not true representations of who we are as human beings. Those images are marketing tools. We are not products; we are people.
Here’s the thing, and I am going to be judgmental here, if you have a son and that son objectifies women, then he is an ass. When I meet him, when he comes to my house to spend time with my daughter I will turn a hose on him. He wants to be sexual, he wants to express his desire for all our daughters by repeatedly asking for nudes, or seductive selfies then I will put the fear of god in him.
Because if you won’t do it, then I will.
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Photo: Rich Brooks/Flickr
This piece originally appeared on The Plagued Parent.
I had reached the point where I had stopped reading posts of this nature, because of the hopelessness and rage to which what I read seemed to be giving rise. I have both a daughter and a son, and I have to consider the effect of what I teach each of them has on the other. Much of what I would have said, had I gotten here earlier, has already been articulately expressed, so it would add nothing to repeat it. I am encouraged that this article has facilitated a much needed conversation – so many threads of this nature… Read more »
I guess we found out.
http://www.desmoinesregister.com/story/news/education/2016/04/13/students-hire-stripper-roosevelt-high-swim-club-event/82963104/
A school club not under the jurisdiction of the school at least to the extent that they can’t punish the girls, but to the extent that the school can make changes. Somehow I don’t see this happening if it were boys and a female stripper. Everyone would at least have been suspended and the club would definitely have been. Somehow, I doubt the problem is teaching boys. It seems to be that we have a problem teaching girls.
No, we have a problem teaching EVERYONE. We so fear that fact that our own offspring are in and of themselves their own people, their own sexual beings, that we won’t even let another trustworthy adult teach them sex education. We’re so scared of our kids being tempted by the truth that when they find out that truth for themselves, they must do so in secret, and risk things like raping/being raped, STIs, teen pregnancy, drugs, alcohol, etc. You cannot blame the kid for never learning any better – you can only, and must always, put the blame on the… Read more »
BTW
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-36040395
So why do I think all those people demanding zero tolerance for sexual harassment and demanding respectful behavior from people will suddenly demand moderation and compassion?
I have to disagree with the premise of your title. While something needs to be done with the way boys interact with girls trying to make that the starting point puts the cart before the horse. Men and boys are raised to think lowly of themselves and that they aren’t worthy of respect. To try to get them to respect girls and women before even learning how to respect themselves is folly. Again I agree with most of what you say and is something that needs to be done. But if you try to do that first you are literally… Read more »
@ Danny “To try to get them to respect girls and women before even learning how to respect themselves is folly.” I’ve said the same thing when people talk about teaching boys empathy for others. You get no where or at least not very far as long as he feels that he is undeserving of compassion. When he puts himself in your shoes, he’ll see himself and by extension you as undeserving of compassion. That said. I had a comment before. I’m not sure why it hadn’t been approved / been deleted, but let me rephrase it as a question.… Read more »
I hear ya, Anthony, and I agree to a point. I just went off the deep end with a comment about “dic-pics”. That’s not where it ends either. The way so many young men treat women today is despicable…but I, and perhaps you, are more old fashion, more “classic” males. We both have daughters too. There are two sides to every coin though, and the dark side of this one is no better. Unless one is still living in a cave, they are fully aware of how our young women are treating our boys too. Facebook is an equal opportunity… Read more »
Here’s my bottom line. I have never been whistled at walking down the street, I have never clenched my keys crossing a dark parking lot nor have I worried while trail running. I’ve never had a date try to get me drunk and “take advantage” of me, if I had would I actually complain about it? If as you say women have been responsible for the construction of social and cultural interactions they’d have done a better job planning. You’d think they’d have also predicted the pay gap; lack of leadership opportunities in tech sectors, Fortune 500s, scientific research, engineering… Read more »
Glad those thing never happened to you…..But you are not representative of all men….. in particular.. “I’ve never had a date try to get me drunk and “take advantage” of me, if I had would I actually complain about it?” How do you even get published on this site saying things like that? You do know that one hell of a lot of us guys have been in that position……and you mock it?? Being compelled, forced or even surprised into a sex act is a quite horrible thing and you are making fun of it? Just because in your misandristic… Read more »
This is part of the problem with attempting delicate discourse in venues such as this. My commentary was meant to point out the ludicrous nature of this on both sides of the argument. I apologize for my comment, and for having offended you by it. I also apologize without qualification for overgeneralizing. This was designed to be provocative, but not hurtful. Unfortunately, without voice this sometimes falls flat. Which it certainly did in this case but rest assured there was no malicious intent. For this I am sorry.
Wow, so you think it’s funny when men are victims of rape. Hopefully, you have been banned, Anthony.
“What is wrong with us men?
Pretty much for time immemorial boys have been hormonal beasts. Social media however has turned them into raging idiots.”
Maybe start off with reigning in the hyperbole and the rhetoric shrouded as a question there- half-hearted qualifications after the fact don’t do the trick. For example, do you think it would be equally productive for someone to refer to your daughters’ gender as collectively ‘bestial’, ‘idiotic’ or ‘wrongheaded’? I thought not.
If you’d seen some of the language being used by said 13-14 year-old boy you’d see that beastial, idiotic and wrongheaded pretty much fit the bill. As responsible and engaged parent we screen my daughter’s social media interactions and on occasion have to tell her to be mindful of what she posts, how she posts it and to whom. Also, I am an equal opportunity a*@hole. I will critique just about anyone, rhetorically speaking that is. If a discussion is provoked, then yes it is productive in my view. Besides, I try to fire at one target at a time… Read more »
There was a Cold war-era saying originating from the old Soviet Union that went “Criticize, but don’t generalize.“. Or, if you prefer, ‘Aim small to miss small.’ There is a big difference between saying “some of the language being used by {a} 13-14 year-old boy” and saying “The nightmarish part is that this trend does not stop with the 14 year-old alone. These behavioral practices towards girls and young women are exacerbated throughout adolescence and into young adulthood…What is wrong with us men? Pretty much for time immemorial boys have been hormonal beasts.” – In your reply you narrowed the… Read more »
I’d like to mention something, and since this post mentions facebook, maybe this is the appropriate place to do it. I held out for a long time on signing up to facebook, so I’ve only been on there for just under 2 years now, and I have 40-some-odd friends now. All of my guy friends post the usual stuff you’d expect. Movie trailers, sports news, tech articles, pictures of their adventures or hobbies, funny memes, whatever. The women though, they like and post provocative pictures of themselves, make sexually-charged comments, and share pictures of hot guys with well-oiled muscles. It’s… Read more »
Not sure, I don’t really use Facebook. I have an account and maybe about as many friends as you. No one tends to post anything too crazy, but I’m almost 50 and most of my friends are in their 30+. My mom saw my brother flexing on his page. She thought it was immature because he’s over 50, but he’s a weight lifter who benches 380. That’s still a sore spot with my nephews who feel they should be stronger than him. One nephew, who’s a gym rat. He benches 215, but has 9% body fat posted a picture of… Read more »
Yeah, same here. Well into my 40s, and all but a couple of my friends are a fair bit younger than me, but all over 30. I guess there are pockets of people you get exposed to online. My “friends” on FB are, for the most part, friends in real life too, and I don’t make friends with guys who mistreat or disrespect women.
…and right after I type that, it also occurs to me that I don’t make friends with guys who have been successful with women. Odd correlation, that is…
For my daughter’s cohort — 14-16 year-olds — Facebook is not something they use. For them it is Instagram and SnapChat. Of the two SnapChat is the absolute worst in that it creates the illusion of safety by limiting the amount of time your message sits on the screen when opened. Theoretically you can post all sorts of crap and eliminate accountability. That is unless the reciever screenshots the message and then disseminates that. Private space is transforming before our eyes. To be clear, the potential problems here do not necessarily arise from mature, adult males. We’re talking teens here… Read more »
Anthony – Unfortunately, this very much can be a universal experience that doesn’t just affect teenagers. There are grown men engaging in these same behaviors. The amount of men that think it’s okay to say or demand things from you online is out of control. Many men today think they are entitled to naked pictures. They think they are entitled to abusive porn. But it most certainly starts with teenagers and that’s where it needs to be addressed. Check out Bye Felipe on Instagram. There is a collection of conversations between men and women. The majority of the women are… Read more »
I wonder though…for every guy out there who’s crass, vulgar, disrespectful, demanding…everything you just described as a “normal man”, how many guys out there who are the opposite, and women don’t even seem to acknowledge their existence? Is this a case of it being a vocal minority, or is it really true that all my friends, who seem so respectful towards women, in person, in public, online, and in private conversations I have with them, have a dark sexist, misogynist streak to them that I never get to see? I dunno. I find that hard to believe. I also find… Read more »
Anthony, I was not attempting to say that being crass, vulgar, disrespectful or demanding was just something ‘normal men’ did in a way that was meant to attack men or put them down. I was trying to say that even when a man is crass, vulgar, disrespectful or demanding that he is not neccessarily some monster, but a real complex human being that may very well live two lives. The one he shows in public, and the one he allows himself to be online. I remember a couple years ago going to my local gym. There was a guy who… Read more »
@ Erin “They think they are entitled to abusive porn” In a sense they are. People choose more or less to participate in the production. I use more or less not because every one who participates is being “abused”. It’s to recognize that people with limited options may feel that porn is the solution. I can see that a person making $10 / hour might feel that making a few thousand in a day making a porn movie could be the way to go. It’s somewhere in the realm of free will and coercion. I’m less convinced with those who… Read more »
1. No one is ‘entitled’ to sexual material. It’s simply something that exists in the world. It however is not something any individual is ‘owed’ or ‘deserves’ just because we are sexual beings. No human being on the face of the planet is entitled to sexual material just because people produce it. However, I do believe that men especially today live in a world where they do very much believe they are entitled to sexual imagery of women and their bodies. We see this show up in the collective male anger toward women when they refuse sexual access. 2. People… Read more »
@ Erin 1. “No one is ‘entitled’ to sexual material.” No one is entitled to hamburgers or tampons just because they’re produced either. I’ve heard discussions about how both of these things might be unhealthy. 2. “People who choose to produce porn, abusive or otherwise, do not negate the responsibility of people who choose to watch porn” Agreed to the extent that anyone has responsibility for anything that they do. The guy who built the bungee cord that snaps doesn’t negate the responsibility of the person who jumped off the bridge. “Doctors are seeing arise of young girls coming in… Read more »
1. Look, you made the statement that people are entitled to sexual material. They aren’t. But please go ahead and talk about tampons and hamburgers all you want. You only do so as a means to distract, complicate and thus mitigate away from the importance of the subject of porn itself. It doesn’t change the fact that no, people are not entitled to sexual material. Although that’s certainly the message the world as specifically sold men since the day they were born. The belief that men are entitled to sexual material and women’s bodies is alive and well in our… Read more »
You need to asks the question What is wrong with girls and women these days when it comes to treating men and boys?
That was not the focus of the post. And even if it is a valid issue it does not justify treating anyone poorly rather it just perpetuates the problem.
Relax, nothing has changed except that things move faster and there is a record, but even that might not matter in the future as every one’s naughty bits will be on-line. You act like I’ll show you mine if you show me yours was invented in this generation.
Actually it has been invented in this generation. Instant gratification is proliferate and the perceived anonymity makes matters worse. You say that in the future everyone’s genitalia may be online anyway so it is a moot point. How are the naughty bits getting there and why is a deeper question that perhaps lead us to confront our less than mature view of human sexuality this culture encourages.
No “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” predates this generation by a good bit. Anyone who recalls “playing doctor” long before the advent of social media has dabbled in this. The only difference is that you don’t even have to be in the same room as the person you want to see nude. You can just exchange pictures.
No see, it’s different because “playing Doctor” is more innocent. What some teenage boys choose to do with their internet lives is NOT innocent. “Boys will be boys” isn’t an excuse; normal and well-adjusted teen boys DO NOT do this. I know, because my little sister has dated several people and not one of the boys she has dated (Including her current boyfriend) has EVER been crude or dismissive with her. Because their parents raised them right.
Actually, it’s very different. What Anthony speaks to is the fact that much of this takes place behind a phone or computer makes it much easier to say things and request things and demand things that many people wouldn’t be able to say face to face or even over the phone. There is a disconnect when you are typing versus speaking. It is a fact of our online world. I have teens. I am a writer online. Who’s female. I’m well versed in these realities. To compare what Anthony is writing about to playing “Doctor” is dismissive.