I had just gotten out of the movie theatre when there it was. A beautiful white fluffy ball of a dandelion growing amidst other weeds along the back alley side walk. I just couldn’t resist turning on my cell phone camera, tuning in to the intricate wonder of the silk tipped seeds ready for flight and dropping out for 5 seconds. I had promised myself to cut back on taking so many cell phone pictures, but I had just finished seeing the documentary film about the lives of Timothy Leary and Ram Das, Dying To Know, narrated by Robert Redford. I didn’t want to resist.
The film focused on Timothy Leary’s preparation to die and his relationship with Richard Alpert (now known as Ram Das). This chronicle of the journey that Leary and Alpert took together and apart, was a real trip. It illuminated how Leary’s “Turn on, Tune In, Drop Out,” mantra was bastardized by the Nixon Administration and others, out of paranoia that the Land of the free, fearless frontiersmen was being turned over to a generation of drugged out slackers.
Dr. Leary was greatly opposed to bringing LSD to the party to party. He thought turning on to be a very serious enterprise. He believed that experiencing LSD should be done only under the supervision of a qualified guide. Leary and Alpert worked on what those qualification should be by conducting experiments with thousands of individuals and each other.
After Albert got kicked out of Harvard and Leary quit, they went to live together. Their research continued under auspices not as prestigious as Harvard and with a much more diverse set of colleagues. More and more Albert took on the roll of holding Leary’s hand so he wouldn’t trip while tipping and cleaning up the messes when he couldn’t prevent Leary’s slips.
Albert wanted altered states of consciousness that he could build a stable lifestyle around. As Leary continued to fuel his exploration of inner space with hallucinogenic drugs, Albert took off to explore the spiritual landscape of India
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Albert began to feel that he wanted to be more than Leary’s pal. He also wanted altered states of consciousness that he could build a stable lifestyle around. As Leary continued to fuel his exploration of inner space with hallucinogenic drugs, Albert took off to explore the spiritual landscape of India. A few gurus later Albert reincarnated himself as Ram Das.
Das developed a strong interest in supporting the grieving and the dying. Leary kept tripping, until Leary developed end stage prostate cancer.
Leary decided it was time to explore the “undiscovered country whose bourn no traveler returns,” (spoken of by Shakespeare’s Hamlet). Leary wanted to die with his eyes wide open.
Dying to Know contains great footage of these two great explorers of inner space having a conversation about Leary’s pending death. Perhaps the most difficult conversation two men can have.
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I found it quite difficult to turn on, tune in and drop out when I was trying to keep up with the mortgage payments and the lives of the family members that mortgage sheltered. It is easer since I have been forced to retire from work, but far from easy.
Men have a long history of being encouraged to withdraw when confronted with powerful emotion that can’t be overcome by solving problems. Death is the ultimate problem, lacking in fix it, fight it solutions. So often the default solution to the emotional distress is to flee from death awareness.
As a substance abuse counselor I don’t recall ever encountering anyone who was having great difficulty stopping the use of hallicinogenic drugs as being their primary substance abuse problem. I encountered many men who were dissatisfied with “normal” states of consciousness, meaning states that are approved by mass culture. I encountered many men who sought out drugs to be “comfortably numb” to their emotions.
Without preaching, I often invited men to consider spiritual traditions that provided altered states and comfort from uncomfortable moods, with out the harmful side effects often associated with substance abuse.
I have never taken a hallucinogenic drug and have no plans to do so.
Currently my turn on is visual images. For me, the invention of overnight photograph development was unbelievable. Now carrying around a camera, most of my waking hours, in the form of a cell phone, is beyond unbelievable. What is happening more and more is that I spot an image and don’t think to reach for the cell phone camera. I don’t think at all. I am just present. What a gift from the Universe when that happens.
Many men avoid thinking much about death because death doesn’t care what titles you have earned, your credit rating or how hot your partner is. It doesn’t care about how many marathons you’ve run or how much your children love you. Death dissolves everything.
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Ram Das and many other spiritual teachers, talk a lot about right Now. Eckhardt Tolle talks about that moment when you spot something in nature that is awe inspiring, before you label it. Before you tell yourself, “gee that’s an eagle, a bald eagle and I was lucky enough to get a good view of it. I wish I had gotten an image of it to share on Twitter. Maybe someday I’ll have enough money to see condors in a the Andes, now that would be cool.” Before all of that mind chatter, comes that moment of awe. Tolle suggests working to expand that moment to better understanding the Now.
Many men avoid thinking much about death because death doesn’t care what titles you have earned, your credit rating or how hot your partner is. It doesn’t care about how many marathons you’ve run or how much your children love you. Death dissolves everything. Doing something that takes you to a state that cannot be described in words is good death preparation for many.
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So what do you believe, is there something after death?
Does what you do while you are alive have any influence over what happens next? Are these questions you will be asking yourself later? If so, what are you waiting for?
For me, there is no conversation I dread more than having one with somebody who knows what happens after death and feels that it is important for me to know what they know. I fear creating distance between myself and someone I care about by reveling that I am curious about what happens after death, when they know, but aren’t telling me.
The consumer culture can be a difficult one to escape. I still like to alter my mood by buying things.
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For now the conversations about dying that I am having with myself are the best. I am becoming increasing turned on by the beautiful images that the Universe serves up when ever I ask. I am becoming increasingly turned on by accepting ugliness as being part of the Universe, that I just am not getting yet. It is difficult to talk about when I feel like I’ve always known that beautiful and ugly are the same.
The consumer culture can be a difficult one to escape. I still like to alter my mood by buying things. I am grateful that my ongoing conversations with The Goodmen Project help me keep my, “so I’m going to really die someday,” conversations going. I realize that if you are reading this article it is because GMP editors thought it would help sell advertising. That’s okay as long as this advertisement for the value of talking to yourself about death reaches you.
Please remember that if your thoughts about death get you to thinking about harming yourself or others get some help right away. That is not a conversation that you want to keep having with yourself.
It is easier for me to drop out more than I used to. I had to retire from work. The house is gone. I still need to pay rent. I love my obligations to love ones so don’t spend vast amounts of time full of myself. I have lived well, although I often have trouble remembering that. I want to die well. I want to keep the conversation going. “Gee, look how the light is hitting that tree outside. Where’s my cell phone.”
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If you or someone you know is in crisis or having suicidal thoughts please reach out. You are not alone. Here are some resources.
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Photo credit: Getty Images