Do you become unhappy just because your wife is unhappy?
Do you tend to copy her energy though all of her ups and downs?
Do you get nervous and angry when she’s angry?
Stop doing that. You hate it and you know it.
And she hates it even worse.
Let me explain.
The Copycat Husband’s Modus Operandi
Because he’s unsure of his own worthiness and masculine value, he tends to copy his wife’s energy. It seems like the safe thing to do. It’s way too risky to actually be happy when she’s having a meltdown. And when she’s having a good day, he sees it as permission to be happy along with her.
He’s got one eye on her at all times looking for his cues…like a well-trained Labrador.
“How should I be feeling and acting right now? What’s the safe thing to do here?”
Have you seen a newbie on the dance floor trying to keep up with a group of line dancers? They look a little goofy and massively uncomfortable in their own skin.
That’s how Copycat Husbands feel. And it sucks for both of them.
When he allows his feelings of personal happiness and well-being to be driven by his wife, he loses all of his power.
He loses the confidence to comfort her.
He loses the ability to stand strong with her and not run to the nearest exit.
He spirals down into a posture (physically and emotionally) of self-preservation and defensiveness.
He makes apologies where no apology is needed. Then he tries to “fix” her.
The final result is the ultimate display of powerlessness.
He’s lost the ability to comfort himself!
And when his unhappy, angry wife witnesses him in that frame, she can’t help but get even more unhappy and more angry.
Affection and sexual intimacy is an impossible dream.
Now nobody is happy!
Clues You Might Be a Copycat Husband
If you’ve ever said any of these things, you just might be a Copycat Husband.
“Oh boy, when I get home shit is going to hit the fan!”
“Oh man, I just know we’re going to have a blow out over this.”
“She hasn’t been happy lately. I better not go. Happy wife, happy life, you know.”
“What do I have to do to make everything better, honey?”
These are indications that you feel powerless and you lack confidence in dealing with conflict.
You’re accepting responsibility for her happiness and treating her as something you’re supposed to manage.
Again, that makes her unhappier and you unhappier.
How can anything improve if you both are unhappy?
That’s why you should reconsider where you’re getting your source of happiness.
Happiness on Your Own Terms
Long before you ever met her you lived by an unchangeable rule.
Happiness is a do-it-yourself project.
The other day a man told me he remembers a time when he felt free, confident and happy. He remembers when his mojo was pretty strong and he didn’t get rattled by much. He was confident in his knowledge and competent in his abilities.
She seemed to love that about him!
Then he got married.
And suddenly, he was in a frantic search for his mojo. It lasted for many years. This romantic relationship reduced him to the confidence of a 13-year-old.
He saw other men who seemed to have it so much better. He wondered how those guys got so lucky to have wives who loved them and made them happy.
He resented his wife for not being as happy and sexual as other wives he knew.
Enough is Enough
Then, sometime in 2016 he said “This is bullshit”. I’m tired of following her moods. I’ve been riding in the back seat of my own life. I want to feel autonomous again. I want to feel happy and alive no matter what she is doing.”
He embarked on a journey of rediscovering his own happiness. He learned about the true source of confidence, well-being and masculine value.
Then he started making changes. Real changes – no more walking on eggshells and no more puppy-dogging her approval.
He felt stronger, clearer and acted with more intention. He felt a new sense of purpose that had nothing to do with his marriage or his wife.
Three months later I received this email from him.
“Man you wouldn’t believe the turnaround. I feel liberated. And she’s chasing ME now. She is around me all the time and treating me like a priority. She is actually initiating compliments, conversations, back rubs and sex! The other day she asked me, ‘How can I be sure this real?’.”
He told her, “I guess you can’t. But you better hang on because there’s no looking back now.” She smiled and said nothing.
I asked him what he thought about all those “lucky” men he used to envy.
He said, “They weren’t lucky. They just chose to be happy.”
If you’re a man who has had enough and wants to be chased again (or for he first time), I wrote a free ebook for you. Download “The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage” HERE.
Photo Paul’s Pictures/Flickr