Intimacy expert Allana Pratt says the #1 key to communicating after an affair is to speak in a way the other can hear.
I have coached men and women for 17 yrs. And yet I don’t coach friends ever. Unsolicited advice just doesn’t work. Yet when a close friend revealed that every time she tried to talk to her husband about his affair, they got into a huge fight. So I encouraged her to write him a poem…
What she wrote took my breath away. It’s filled with a lot of anger. I’d say it’s even bordering on emasculation, which I’m totally against. And yet here’s the wild thing.
He had cheated on her. Kept it secret for a year. Denied it until she proved it. He cried when he read it. He heard. I think the barriers between them were so thick that this was needed to begin again.
Kicked in the gut, life yanked out of me.
Can’t breathe, I’m in the underworld, I inhale fire.
Lies dissolving my heart like acid on flesh.
Trust is gone, I’ve been dropped… falling… falling…
YOU, my hero, have violated our sacred bond of trust… I feel discarded, like garbage, into the realm of the valueless, has-beens, used, useless….
My spirit dulled from color to black and white, my future from a bright pathway of sunshine and possibilities… to a horrid massive creaking metal door slamming shut my dreams with you.
I trusted you to be a good man, honest and forthright.
I trusted you that even if you were scared, uncomfortable or uncertain, you’d sit in the fire, handle your shit and come to me.
I trusted you to speak up, ask for what you wanted, co create a life that worked for us.
I f’ing bragged about you! How humiliating…
Livid, disgusted, horrified… and now disheartened that you are not as strong as I thought you were, not as bold, courageous, kind or caring as I thought you were… like finding out OZ from behind the curtain, or seeing a noble fireman rescue a cat from a tree, only to see him kick a dog to the curb as he leaves…
You were my whole life, we were a team.
You buoyed me up, the banks of my river, the pole to my flag, the arms around me so I would never fall, the belief that come what may, you’d be there… and you’ve lied, broken trust and even cheated… you have let me down, my heart, my soul. How could you?
How could I be so stupid to live in hope and fantasy and not see the reality of you? Perhaps I loved your potential, who you could be, but who you aren’t. Perhaps I lived in avoidance and unwillingness to trust my instincts.
What’s miraculous is that through all this pain, I’ve cried and fumed, yet deepened my Self Love, forgiven myself where I was in denial and strengthened my trust in my feminine intuition.
Can I ever trust you again? I don’t know. I have forgiven, yet I have not forgotten.
You haven’t stepped up.
Breaking trust is unacceptable.
Saying sorry isn’t enough.
Making it better through your own development as a man is the only possibility.
Making it better by me learning how I was a part of creating this, too.
I release all judgment, I let the past go.
I bask in the pure awareness of what I’m worth and what’s possible.
I welcome the growth required for us to begin again.
The choice is yours.
What did you feel from reading this? What did it stir in you? Has this actually happened to YOU?
Of course women cheat on men as well. Women leave men. Women emasculate men. Pain in relationships goes both ways.
One of the most common complaints from a male client whose woman has had an affair, is that he didn’t see it coming. Or that he suspected but just decided to work harder. He avoided conflict at all costs and in the end got even more hurt.
Men whose hearts are wounded from past relationships or from unconscious or unkind moms, are the prime targets for being cheated on. Their wounded heart is so cut off from feelings (in an attempt to protect themselves from abuse or never to feel emasculated again) that they shut off their masculine intuition, their primal instincts and get blind sided.
They energetically can’t ‘reach’ their balls, their pelvis, their legs like tree trunks and thus they stand unwavering in the fire of a woman’s emotions to have a difficult conversation about the truth. Instead they avoid and deny what’s going on, only to get blamed for the affair!
Given you can’t control another, you can’t ever 100% affair proof your relationship, yet you CAN do your inner work to be discerning, aware and courageous enough to have uncomfortable conversations about fidelity, trust, allowance and getting your needs met in your relationship.
So what happened to this couple? They are back together, stronger than ever. They sat in the fire, did work with a counselor and began to communicate all the ‘unspeakables’. And it worked.
They learned one of the main pillars of my teachings: ultimately trust is about trusting yourself. If you struggle trusting your partner (or yourself) after an affaire or breakup, for solutions that work read my complementary Get Her To Say Yes Report & 4 Part Video Series. Get Her To Say Yes.
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Photo: by Helena Soler www.Flickr.com