Lauren is a 30-something, agnostic, unmarried, Asian-American, woman who lives in the Bay Area.
David is a 60-something, married with an adult son, Zen Juddhist, man who lives in Flint.
The Rules – They choose a topic, and with no discussion, each knocks out around 1,000 words. What you get is the straight scoop, the skinny, the 4-1-1 on what each one thinks.
LAUREN:
Oh, Valentine’s Day. Does anybody even know or remember why this is a holiday? As I’ve always known it, it’s a day that we’re all supposed to celebrate love and hearts and flowers and chocolate. Oh, and a little cherub-baby named Cupid shows up to hit your soulmate with an arrow or something – which seems a little aggressive – and, honestly, David, I don’t know how I feel about it.
Something about the holiday often feels a little like a checkmark, or a test – like are we doing it “right”
As a kid, it was definitely just something that we did. That being said, I remember really enjoying the class Valentine’s card exchange. I’d get to go to the store and choose a box of cards and bag of candy that I liked – for the record, I heavily leaned towards those variety packs of cards, where there were four or five different images and pun-inspired phrases, and that came with fun stickers. Once home, I’d make hard decisions about which classmates would get which card variation and then tape the candy down via donut-circle and seal up those suckers into an envelope. I loved mail. Heck, I still love mail!
But I didn’t just like the matching game and crafting of preparation, I also liked handing out and receiving ones too. Giving things to other people and seeing who chose what kind of cards, noticing if anyone had selected the same ones to give as someone else. Sure, it was a little bit of an assignment, but, in retrospect, I kind of see it as practice in sharing part of yourself, as well as thinking about and spending time doing something for others.
DAVID:
Lauren, it was on the drive home from the grocery that I heard the radio ad.
“Valentine’s Day is just a few weeks away. Order your roses NOW!
Lock in your best price! Don’t let supply chain issues cost you a
fortune to show your sweetheart how much you love her!”
Yes, an online floral shop was selling rose futures. What’s your take, Lauren, on the flower market short-term? Are you bullish? Is this what we’ve come to, that our level of affection for our significant others depends on how much we are willing to spend on flowers?
It’s not just flowers. It’s jewelry, it’s spa days, it’s candy and PJs and Build-a-Bears and sexy underwear. If we’re not buying stuff for our Valentine, according to current market wisdom, we must not really love them.
In short, modern Valentine’s Day has become one performative as hell ritual in the life of American couples. Cath and I, we reject that from the ground up to the Kármán Line, the boundary 100 km up that defines the edge of space.
LAUREN:
Being well into my thirties now, Valentine’s day feels a little different.
The social norms around what makes for a solid Valentine’s Day are advertised far and wide. It’s for couples. You better get your person a gift, or at least a card, or risk being shamed for coming up empty handed. If you want to be festive, wear pink, purple, or red. Perhaps wear something alluring on your night out, because yes you should be going out and spending money on dinner or a show, or dinner and a show. Show them how much you care with diamonds or a brand new car. Oh, but don’t worry, if you do happen to be a crazy-cat-lady spinster, #GalentinesDay is a thing.
Some people love the holiday, the specific date, thematic clothing, a good wordplay hashtag. Great, enjoy! Personally, I could care less about the pomp and circumstance of it and like it for what has become its undertones. The way I see it, Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to communicate to someone else that you’re thinking about them.
I know, I said opportunity. Sometimes dates sneak up on us and we’re left going “Oh great, another holiday that we have to worry about among the thousand other things going on.” We all lead busy lives, and I swear time moves faster and faster as we get older; so I love a good reason to connect with someone or to stop the daily grind for a moment and celebrate. However, it can be a fine line between finding an excuse to make the time to celebrate or feeling forced to do so. It really comes down to what’s being communicated, with words or otherwise.
DAVID:
By the way, here are some interesting sidelights I found out about St. Valentine. He was a 3rd century bishop who ministered to persecuted Christians during the Roman era. Emperor Claudius condemned him to death. Val was beaten to death with clubs, beheaded, and buried on February 14. His skull, crowned with flowers, is exhibited in the basilica of Santa Maria in Cosmedin, Rome. Perhaps not the best choice for a love god.
But I digress. Lauren, I’ve noticed, an awful lot of people spend most of their lives doing whatever the hell they want, consequences be damned, except for those few days where a certain performative behavior is expected. I know Jews with loathsome ethics, and yet, there they are on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, right in the front row of our synagogue, a glowing beacon of all things bright and beautiful. I hear tales about Christians with the same behavior; they exhibit the most un-Christ-like actions and beliefs on the day to day. But on Easter and Christmas, oh my, they sit in the pews, hands clasped and eyes cast upwards.
That’s performative, isn’t it? And about 180 degrees opposed to the true meaning of every faith.
LAUREN:
As the saying goes, it really is “the thought that counts.” I want to show you the level or depth that I care and thought about you, and I want you to do the same for me. If I’m in a newer relationship, we might not know each other that well, so maybe I gave you some cookies and you gave me a bouquet of flowers. That’s sweet, right? Right! Full Stop.
However, the deeper or longer you know someone, the more inside jokes you form and the more you learn about each other’s histories. And with that, we can do more. Maybe next time I will specifically make you oatmeal chocolate chip cookies because those are your favorite; and the time after that, I might make tacos for dinner because that’s your forever food – and we’ll definitely make sure to have a perfectly matched music playlist for the prep and the meal. And maybe you give me a hibiscus plant because you know I think holiday roses – no thank you – are ridiculously overpriced and also that I happen to love Hawaii; and the time after that, you decide on an “edible arrangement” because you know that I value almost any amount of food at least ten times more than flowers or plants, all the while making sure to choose one that doesn’t include strawberries – yay, allergies – or cantaloupe – childhood food trauma is real, David.
Caring and kindness isn’t reserved for romantic relationships though, the same goes for family, friends, colleagues… It’s nice to be appreciated and thought of. And while Valentine’s day is a perfectly fine reminder to do something for someone you care about, thoughtful actions absolutely don’t need to be reserved for holidays and birthdays. I feel like true caring and deep connection gets built and maintained by the random things we do and say and share, when someone isn’t necessarily expecting it. Like telling each other when you see a post on social media that reminds you of them or picking up a random item when you’re at the grocery store because they mentioned wanting to try it, or suggesting going to a drive-in showing a classic movie because you can’t believe they never saw it. It’s the thoughts.
Although, part of me does want to go back to the energy of elementary school Valentine’s and just have a party with cupcakes and balloons and all the people I love. So I guess it’s also the space. Thinking about someone and then making space or time or going a little bit out of your way to show them that you’re thinking about them.
Isn’t that what we all want? To be cared for or cared about, maybe even celebrated?
DAVID:
Now, I am not opposed to Valentine’s Day. I like chocolate. I like going out for a nice dinner, maybe some theater with my wife. I like flowers and so does she. But the narrative that LOVE equals the sum total of our Valentine’s Day performance is rejected by both of us.
Here’s what does matter. Love is what you do every day. Full stop.
When you say, “I love you,” do you do it with all the sincerity of a blank-faced cashier’s “Have a nice day” as you walk out the store? Or do you take 6 seconds out of the 86,400 seconds in the day to actually look at your significant other, touch them gently, look in their eyes for a moment, and actually say “I love you” to them? Not at them, but to them?
When you are getting ready to go out for one of your S-O’s things; a work event, out for drinks with “their” friends, you get my drift: Are you on time? Not much is more of a passive-aggressive insult than when one partner is routinely and purposefully late. It speaks volumes. Their stuff is not as important as your stuff. It’s an easy way to minimize your S-O’s value in your life. Don’t do it.
Make the bed. If you’re the last one up, tuck those sheets and pull up the quilts. Make it look finished. If you’re the first one to the bedroom, fold down the bedclothes. Make it look welcoming.
Thank them for food prep. Whether they bring home the pad thai, the In-and-Out burger, or they spend 45 minutes putting together a nice lasagna, thank them for taking the time to care. The family table is an altar. Treat it with respect and kindness.
Make the coffee. Or the tea. In every culture, that you bring a treasured one a hot beverage is a sign of affection and respect. Don’t miss this opportunity.
Listen to each other. Always ask, “Do you want help to solve this, or do you need me to listen?” Lauren, I think this one is terribly important for guys. Most of us men, we want to solve things right away. Yet, I’ve found that many of the women in my life, although they generally want to solve the problem too, often need a sounding board first, before they move on. That means, gentlemen, remind yourselves, it is not always your job to solve someone’s problem. Sometimes your job is to listen, pay attention, put down the phone, and demonstrate that you are concerned about your S-O’s issue at hand.
Be kind. The Dalai Lama said it best: “My religion is simple. My religion is kindness.” And yet, and we’ve all been on both sides of this, some of the most vicious personal attacks come from, or are targeted at, the person with whom you have pledged to spend all of your days. And if you’re not married, after the third date there are a few implied covenants that speak to decency in a relationship. Here, read this:
I take you to be my wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish always.
Does it say anything about screaming at someone because they forget to pay a bill, didn’t buy the right brand of whole wheat bread, put the sheets on the bed upside down and backwards, left you with just enough gas to get to the corner station? No, it does not. Yes, things get screwed up in every relationship. That doesn’t mean you have license to be an asshole. And if the other person is continually and purposefully an asshole, then you have a major problem that a Valentine’s Day blow-out won’t solve.
And when you are that asshole, because we all are, sooner or later, there are two crucial words: I’m sorry. Two words, that’s my suggestion.
Laugh and hug together as often as possible. That’s it, that’s what matters. Not a giant box of candy.
In short, here’s the deal. Demonstrate with sincerity and compassion, every goddamn day, that you care immensely about this person in your life. If you do, then when Valentine’s Day rolls around, you won’t need a big performance. It’s great to have one anyway, right, we all love a little romance, yes? But if you don’t do the stuff I mentioned up there, then a couple dozen roses, a bottle of Mondavi 2017 Reserve To Kalon Vineyard Fume` Blanc, some wildly expensive chocolates, and a high zoot dinner are not going to solve the problems that will confront your relationship down the road.
Every day, be kind and loving. It’s that simple.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
