Let’s Hook Up, Wait… I Mean, Let’s Go Out On A Date…
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We’ve both got some history under our belt, kids, and some requirements for what’s OK and what we simply won’t ever do again. (Red Flags, we like to call them.) As we navigate “dating” again, we quickly realize the rules are very different. Our experience gives us some distinct advantages in terms of recognizing what we don’t want. And perhaps our unfinished wounding might keep us from starting the dating process again.
Rules for dating a single dad.
(I’ve got two kids and a full-time job, but I’d still like to find time to be with someone.)
1. Let’s not rush into things.
If my date doesn’t have kids, they probably don’t have much in common with me.
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I will admit that getting back out there, for me, as a man, initially was about sex. Today, I think sex can get in the way of learning if you like the person. And if you’re going to do more than lay around in bed with this person, you might want to go easy on the seduction moves at first. Get to know if you like talking to, as well as looking at your potential partner. I don’t have any hard rules on this. But if you slow the drive to the bedroom you might avoid getting mixed up in something purely physical. It can blur your vision when trying to figure out if you want to hang with this person for the long run.
2. I’m Looking for 100% Pure Connection
Half of my life is behind me. I have two beautiful kids. And I’m happy with myself, just as I am. (I’d like to keep getting fitter, but my joy is genuine.) In several previous online dates, I found myself sitting across the table from very attractive, usually younger, women who had nearly nothing in common with me. I could see myself eyeing their bodies and trying to imagine the sex, but I stopped myself, pretty quickly, even with the fantasizing. It takes a lot to get to a second date with me. Today, I’m even getting pretty stingy with first dates. I don’t want a “date.” I don’t want nice. I want my next relationship to start out with the potential going the long distance. I’ve never been a casual dater.
3. I’m Into Moms
If my date doesn’t have kids, they probably don’t have much in common with me. At our age kids are either a choice you made or one you didn’t. And nothing against the non-parents in the group, but I’m so wrapped up with my kids, that if you don’t have that same passion and joy, we’re probably going to have to look for things to have engaging conversations about. If you have kids, we’ve got an immediate starting point for everything. Trying to talk about your kids with a woman who’s not a mom… Well, they just don’t get it.
4. Let’s Be Clear About This
I think that initial attraction is something that we can’t really control or completely predict.
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Games of any kind are an immediate timeout. Passive aggressive might have worked in some other decade, but as adults, we should’ve gotten that silliness out-of-the-way. One thing I will tell a first date, “You can ask me anything. In fact, I prefer the hard questions. I’m trying to learn the answers myself. I will always try to answer honestly.” And the one relationship I’ve had since my divorce, went right for it. And while we are no longer a relationship we went through the whole process, getting to know each other >> dating >> breaking up, without any drama. None. We’re still friends. That’s how it needs to be. Let’s do without all the crazy stuff.
5. Brutally Honest
If it’s not a fit on the first date I’m going to try to let you know as gently and as quickly that it wasn’t a fit. I think that initial attraction is something that we can’t really control or completely predict, but I also don’t think we can do without it. I have created a dog metaphor to help me explain what I’m talking about. And I usually share this concept on the first date. (Hmm. Maybe this explains a lack of second dates.) Here it is. Two dogs meet up in a park. Either 1. both tails are wagging; 2. one tail is wagging; or 3. neither tail is wagging. It’s as simple as that. I was born with a Boston Terrier’s body. I can be several different sizes of Boston Terrier, but if you’re into whippets and poodles, we’re probably never going to be a match. And there’s no accounting for taste. I think some of this is hardwired.
6. The Spark Is Only a Start
If the chemistry (tail wag) is ON, there are still a ton of steps along the path before we’re in a relationship. We need to have intellectual compatibility. (If I’m a reader and you’re a reality tv junkie, we might not go the distance.) We need to synchronize our schedules over time. (Kids, work, and all the other stuff we’re just remembering we love to do) have to be the priority. It may take several months to get in our first four dates, but… Like I said earlier, we shouldn’t be in a hurry. And then we’ve got all the negotiations about how and when we want to see each other. (Let’s not start with jumping in bed or looking at vacation calendars for a while. Okay?)
7. Fearless Commitment To Monogamy
At first, divorce may seem like we’ve gotten the key to the kingdom of sex again. It’s not that easy. If that IS what you are looking for, go for it. I won’t be in your queue. If we do decide to sleep together I want to know that we’ve just become mutually exclusive. That might be a stretch if you’re playing the field, or not sure about what you want. It’s not difficult for me. By the time we get past 1st-base, I’m letting you know that I am into you. And if you want to go further, we’ve got to establish some mutual objectives. (If we’re about to sleep together I can assure you we’ve had this conversation.)
8. Feeling the Feelings
Men are often accused of not feeling their feelings. And, in fact, feelings can be scary for both men and women. But as we begin navigating our time together we’ve got to be able to talk about whatever we’re feeling. The beauty of that is feelings include the ability to fully love. So when an opportunity arises I look forward to being 100% present with my feelings. There might have been a disconnect on those terms in my previous marriage. But I’m a learning individual. I know that I feel deeply and I enjoy being expressive of those feelings. If feelings scare you, that might be something for you to look at. Feelings are the key to compatibility, in my opinion.
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I look forward to having another opportunity to learn about myself “in a relationship” at some point. I’m happy and patient right where I am. But I believe by having my priorities clear and articulated I can do a better job of finding and sorting through the process of finding that NEXT RELATIONSHIP. I wait enthusiastically.
Always Love,
John McElhenney
@jmacofearth
Here are a few more posts from The Whole Parent
- 4 Steps to Recovering Your Loving Self: We Bring Our Own Issues
- Big 5 Relationship Questions to Answer Before You Start Dating Again
- Sexual Energy and the Strength of #Desire in Men and Women
- Sex, Love, and Relationships: Dating Is A Bit Like Space Travel
- Here and Now: Touching Objects of Desire
- DATING METAPHOR: Two Tails Are Wagging or Neither Tail Is Wagging
- The Coffee Date Fail
- Redefining Dating, As a Man, As a Dad, As a Lover
For more of the story visit The Whole Parent site. I welcome your comments and suggestions here.
And your additional participation is possible here on Facebook and Twitter.
images: used by permission from Ricardo Acevedo’s book NIGHT ©2009
Bravo John I have found myself on the single list after 10 years of marriage this year and it’s been a little daunting thinking about dating again. I have been quite lucky to (re)meet an old flame and discover the spark and connection is still there. I am a definate fan of 3. Moms and 5. Brutal Honesty. Without kids I am not sure how much I would have in common with another woman, kids take your life on such a divergent path it’s hard to relate to someone who hasn’t had kids. And with 5, that is one thing… Read more »
Yes, Luke. I agree with everything you say. And funny how old flames can still have the flame. Good for you. Last time that happened I married her and had a couple kids. We knew each other in high school, but didn’t date. So… Good luck on that.
Let’s stay HONEST!
Hi John McElhenney Reading this gave me a good feeling,even if I am 50+ I do not worry about those men that look for young women. Life would be so much easier for all of us if we all were as clear about what we want,and don’t want as you are here. You will tell the woman she can ask you about anything. I do not want to answer just any question from a man the first time we go on a date,so I was surprised to read you will answer just any question. But then, maybe Americans don’t ask… Read more »
What a cool comment, thank you. What I meant about asking questions was, figuring out what we want requires a lot of information gathering. Ask me what you want to know about me, I may or may not be able to give you an answer, but I’m likely to try or tell you “I don’t know,” if I don’t know. And I’m not saying to exclude the non-sparking people from our lives. BUT… In my experience, for me, that spark has to be there at the beginning, for it to ever be there. I’ve only had one girlfriend as a… Read more »
” In several previous online dates I found myself sitting across the table from very attractive, usually younger, women who had nearly nothing in common with me. I could see myself eyeing their bodies and trying to imagine the sex, but I stopped myself, pretty quickly, even with the fantasizing. It takes a lot to get to a second date with me. Today, I’m even getting pretty stingy with first dates. I don’t want a “date.” I don’t want nice. I want my next relationship to start out with the potential going the long distance. I’ve never been a casual… Read more »
Wow, you have a lot of emotions tied into men. You picked one fairly inocuous statement, that implied almost nothing and insinuated almost everything. There are a number of ways a person could end up with someone a lot younger. They could rationalize that women grow up faster than men, this could have been an initial experience before he got more picky, this could have been someone suggesting a date for him, the girls could have decided that he looked nice online and he (while working through who he is) thought, why not? He already admited that he’s still figuring… Read more »
Thanks Kat. It’s both of us, men and women who are responsible for clearer communication. I was not after a “younger” woman. I was after an authentic connection. And, in fact, one of these women was surprised when I did not kiss her when I had the chance, as we were parting after our first date. At first I found it funny. But upon reflection I found it assumptive that I wanted to kiss her, that I wanted to get that close. In the course of our evening I had not really felt like I wanted to go there. I… Read more »
Erin, gotta agree with you about the men wanting to dating younger women. I’m fairly young myself (early 30s) but it immediately turns me off when a man says he wants to date a younger woman. I’ve seen plenty of profiles online where he’ll be 40 and he’s looking for 25-35. If you’re one of those guys you immediately receive a dismissal from me. I’m up for dating a range of ages but don’t just go for the younger women, because one day I will be the 40+ year old woman and I have to know you’ll still like me… Read more »
Let’s see. I didn’t “find myself on a date” I realised during the date, with an attractive woman who was within my desired age range who happened to be younger than me and not a mom. It was my realization that we had nothing in common (yes we seemed to have a lot of spark on txt messages and via email) once we were sitting at a table together. It was a moment of finding myself, not discovering that she was younger. I discovered that I wasn’t interested in this attractive, younger, woman for a variety of reasons I tried… Read more »
Well, Erin, thank you for commenting. There is a lot to parse through in your response. I’ll start with the top points and see if that’s enough. 1. Dating younger women. Yes, I selected these potential dates and knew their age, and also that they had not ever had children. My post shows some of my learnings as a result of these mistakes. It’s pretty telling for both men and women when their profile says they are 50 and they want to date partners who are 30 – 40. I’m not that guy. I’m pretty clear about wanting a woman… Read more »