What Are the Warning Signs of a Dead Bedroom?

What are the warning signs of an impending dead bedroom, you ask? Here’s a list:

No sex until marriage for religious/non-religious reasons.
Being a virgin.
Wanting that first sexual experience together to be “special” and waiting until the honeymoon to consummate.
Talks about the “duties” of a wife/husband without including sex but including household chores.
No cuddling.
Not being romantic.
No date nights.
Lack of sexual imagination. No fantasies at all.
Doesn’t masturbate.
And shames you because you masturbate.
Unable to articulate ANYTHING pleasurable about sex. Never had an orgasm.
Never initiates sex.
Being bad in bed and never improving. Reluctant to try new things.
They belittle you for wanting sex “too much” or for your fetishes or fantasies.
Weaponizing sex or withholding it to get favors or chores.
One-sided decisions about sexual frequency. “You know this rate isn’t going to last, right?”
Idealizing the idea of marriage. Overly concerned about “what other people think.”
Not realizing sex and affection is a basic human need.
Frequent porn use and lying about it.
Doesn’t have a clue when the last time you last had sex. Selective recall on timing. “It was last month! I remember!” when it really was three months ago. “It can’t be that long!”
They don’t “feel” sexy. They hide their body or don’t allow themselves to be seen naked.
Refusing to have sex with the lights on.
Family shows little affection. Never hold hands, no cheek kisses, playful taps, or hugging.
Parents sleeping separately.
Avoiding all sexual topics in conversation.
Being squirmy when sex scenes are in movies or shows.
Postponing sex and making excuses.
Abuse or sexual trauma in the past.
Anything under the OCD umbrella, like aversions to fluids, smells, and tastes. Excessive hygiene. All sensory issues like too hot, sticky, messy, rough, or anything that triggers them.
A history of anxiety or depression.
Avoidant attachment. Pushes people away instead of working through issues.
History of premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction.
Having a list of health ailments as excuses to avoid sex.
An aversion to genitalia. “That thing is disgusting!”
Not being affectionate.

I blindly looked past EVERY RED FLAG when I decided to get married to a 34-year-old virgin who was saving himself for marriage because of religion.

“I can teach him! He’ll learn to love sex! He’ll want to please me.” I thought.
Ah, no. That didn’t happen.

Instead, I got:

“Sex is for you, anyway!”
“You’re the one who always wants it!”
“Is this all I am to you? Just a lay?”
“I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s just sex.”
“I’m just not a very sexual person.”
“I could go the rest of my life without sex.”

Avoid these red flags at your own peril.

35 flags waving in my face didn’t deter me. I don’t know why I blindly hoped we’d become sexually compatible.

I could have spared myself decades of misery if I had read this before getting married. But, instead, I’m here. Writing about dead bedrooms and affairs to get a tiny portion of my needs met daily.

Please learn from this list. Do it for me. Get out while you can. Make sure your partner is right for you in every way, especially sexually, if that’s important to you.

Don’t ignore EVERY red flag.